Today’s been a rough day.
I needed to get into town to pick up the iron supplements my gastroenterologist prescribed last week. I thought I was feeling well enough to do it. Because it’s summer, the bus that goes past my street only runs every 2 hours, so I thought I’d try riding my bike into town. It’s only two miles, mostly flat, so I didn’t think it would be a big deal.
Yeah, I was wrong.
By halfway there, I felt like I might die right there on the road, but it was a busy street with nowhere safe to pull off and rest, so I made myself keep going. Then, as I was riding into the center of downtown, I started to have an asthma attack. My leg muscles just quit working, and my bike and I fell over in the middle of an intersection. It took me more than a minute just to be able to get up, and somebody had to help me get my bike up and onto the sidewalk. Luckily I was wearing pretty thick jeans, so I didn’t tear up my leg except for part of my ankle, but my knee and the side of my leg are pretty bruised up.
I feel so useless. A year and a half ago, I was walking/running around 5 miles a day, and I was doing intense martial arts training three nights a week. I was strong and in good shape, and I knew my body could do pretty much whatever I wanted it to. I had the arthritis and pain in my lower back and hip to deal with, but it didn’t limit me much. Now I can barely do anything more demanding than sitting in bed. Occasionally I can walk a little, but I have to use a cane, and it takes me days to recover afterward.
Right now, I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I feel completely cut off from everything I need, and I feel like I’m completely alone in dealing with this. I mean, people try to be kind and helpful, but it usually doesn’t go beyond holding doors open for me and such. Apparently I need a personal chauffeur so that I can do normal things like go to the pharmacy and buy groceries.
And there’s not even anyone I can talk to about all of this. I don’t have friends anymore, not in real life. I have friendly acquaintances on the campaigns, but we interact almost entirely around campaign stuff, not personal issues. And I don’t think I’d tell them how hard things are anyway because I want them to see me as competent and capable, not crippled and deserving of pity. But it’s so, so lonely and painful. I feel like crying, but I’m fighting it because I think it would just make me feel worse.