I’m so screwed.

My roommates just told me they’re almost certainly moving out in two months.  They have a legitimate reason–a mother with cancer who doesn’t have anybody else to take care of her–but it’s going to screw me over.  I can’t afford this place on my own.

It took us months to find this place to begin with.  My disability isn’t really enough to live on–around $700 a month.  One bedrooms around here go for $800-$1000.  This place is $800, but I’m pretty sure my landlady is renting it to us for less than market value.  I’ve been on the list for public housing and rent vouchers for almost a year now, but it’s around a five-year waiting list.  I can’t rely on that coming through any time soon.

So I have to find another roommate/s.  Words cannot describe how much I don’t want to deal with that.  I’m not very good with people, especially in my space–it doesn’t feel safe.  (PTSD stuff.)  Part of the reason I get along well with my current roommates is we’re all kind of hermit-ish.  We mostly stay in our own rooms and don’t see each other very often.

The other problem is going to be that it’s a really small apartment.  It’s really only supposed to be a one-bedroom, but we turned the eat-in kitchen into a cramped living room and turned the living room into a second bedroom.  So people who can afford something better probably aren’t going to want to live somewhere so cramped.  It’s also kind of out of town, and the public transit system sucks.  It’s all right if you have a car, but someone who doesn’t have a car might not want to live here.

But I have to find somebody else.  I can’t afford to live by myself, as much as I wish I could.  It’s  stressing me out a LOT.  I just want to go to bed and not deal with it at all, but I can’t do that.


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19 responses to “Crap.

  1. happilydpressed

    Good luck /:

  2. Sunshine

    Hope you find the right roomies… where I live is expensive (rent) as well and my options are running out by the end of summer…hugs

    • Maybe we should be roomies! How do you feel about western Massachusetts? I’m right on a lake, and there’s a marina at the end of the street. 😉

      • Sunshine

        Love that! I live in a similar setting…in the boonies 🙂 I lived once in Springfield outside of Boston…great place but the visa expired more than 25 years ago…

  3. Sending you my best wishes, Hope!

  4. What an icky situation. I hope you can find two more hermits who are looking for a place to hibernate. Those are the kinds of roommates I would personally be after, as well.

    • Yeah, it’s really stressing me out. I don’t exactly want to post an ad on craigslist looking for hermits, though, because I guarantee you I’ll just get a bunch of emails from people who want to have sex with me because that’s apparently 95% of the people on craigslist, and then I’ll be in PTSD hyperdrive, so even if I get some legit emails, I’ll be too freaked out to meet with anyone. Meanwhile I’m also panicking because I’m afraid I’m going to end up homeless again, and I’m just too sick to be able to survive that right now, and there’s NO ONE who can help me with any of this except Idiot Case Manager, who already wants to put me in a group home.

      I need some fucking Klonopin right about now. Why the hell did I insist on going off it, anyway?

      • Well, m’dear, if we were neighbors, I would offer you a cup of sugar AND a Klonopin. I’ve thought about insisting going off it before, but it just works too well and there are just too many anxious stretches of time in life. Maybe you could get in to see a doc?

        Your housing situation — I feel for you. Yes, I imagine Craigslist is not the place to start. I think this is one of those things we go through that we just have to believe something decent and good will happen. And I really don’t think you need a group home — hopefully idiot CM will get that through her thick little skull!

      • Klonopin and I are actually not good friends. Any of the benzos tend to make me more dissociative, especially if there’s something stressful going on (like this housing situation) that would push me toward dissociating anyway. That’s why I insisted on going off it several years ago. I’ll probably take some extra gabapentin tonight, though.

        Idiot Case Manager is apparently not big on getting anything through her skull. Apparently she doesn’t even check her voicemails. I had to cancel last week to go to my friend’s memorial service, and she called and left a voicemail asking where I was. I left her a voicemail Friday telling her the same thing as the last voicemail, and today I got ANOTHER voicemail. I really just want to hit her. It wouldn’t be as bad if she were actually helpful, but…she’s not.

      • That there is an excellent reason to stay off benzos. I’m glad you have something else you can take for stressful times. I don’t take much Klonopin, but am also allowed for Zyprexa PRN’s. One’s good for one situation, another for another situation. Isn’t it funny how sometimes we know better than the doctors what works?

        Would it be a big deal to say something to her supervisor about it? I mean, what if you had left a super-urgent voicemail and she never listened to it? I’m just thinking out loud here. She does sound pretty obnoxious. Back when I was still working in MH, there were special teams that had case managers who only worked with people who were “precariously housed” or homeless. I wonder if your center has something like that?

      • I think patients usually know what works for them better than doctors. I’m lucky that I have a psychiatrist who gets that, and he’s cool with me tinkering with my meds as long as I don’t do anything too drastic.

        I’ve been thinking of seeing if I can meet with the team leader. I’m just scared of making the situation worse, you know? Once they decide you’re a problem patient, you’re pretty much screwed.

        I don’t think they do housing aside from group homes. At least, when I was first trying to get services last fall/winter and was faced with possible homelessness, they told my team leader from my former program that they wouldn’t add me as a client until I had housing. But they were basically being all-around jerks.

  5. mandy

    Dang it! The thought of moving gives me shivers and the thought of meeting new people, too. But sometimes good things come when least expected–I’ll cross my fingers you find just the right situation for you!

    • Oh, I won’t be moving. I don’t have the financial resources to do that, period–and I’m also just too sick at this point to have the energy. But I have to find someone to rent their room. I hope something good comes out of it, but right now I’m too busy freaking out about the situation.

  6. That really sucks! Maybe your landlord can help you find somebody?

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