I’m realizing that I spend a lot of time these days feeling disconnected.
I interact with people a lot, primary through my political work. It’s great; I love it. But I only get to be part of me in that context. It’s a part of me that I like–capable, confident, smart, quick learner, good with people. I feel valuable and wanted. I even feel like people like me. I’d like to be that person all the time–it feels good.
But it’s not all of who I am, and neglecting the other parts of me isn’t going to do us any good in the long run.
There’s also part of me who’s sick and scared. My hair is falling out. I can’t stand up for more than a minute before my legs start to shake and give out on me. Half of my right big toe is numb, and the last two days, I’ve had tingling and numbness from my left elbow down to my pinkie and ring fingers. I get headaches I can’t shake for days. I have bruises all over my body even though I haven’t bumped into anything. My belly hurts almost constantly. I’m still waiting to hear back from my gastroenterologist about the recent labs, but I’m starting to think this is something more than just the ulcerative colitis. It scares the shit out of me.
And there’s the depression that’s always there, niggling at me. I can only push it away for so long. Anxiety, too. I just keep worrying that something is going to blow up in my face that I can’t handle, and everything will fall apart. I can push away the fear and depression for a while, but it never really disappears.
And I can feel young parts close to the surface. I always know when they’re nearby because I start to crave care, someone to take care of me because I’m scared and alone and I can’t do it myself. But I have to. I’m an adult, and there’s no one to take care of me now. I don’t even have a community anymore, not since I had to leave the treatment program I was in. I still see my team leader twice a month, but most of the time, I’m on my own. Idiot Case Manager thinks I’m doing great, not that I believe I’d get any substantial help from her even if she didn’t think I was doing great. I get the sense that aside from drugs and hospitals, they don’t have much to offer.
And what is it I really want people to offer, anyway? What is it that you think would actually help?
I want to feel not alone. I want a community where I can be all of me. I keep thinking about going back to the trauma unit just to be surrounded by people who get it, but that doesn’t really fit. I’m not in crisis; I don’t need to be monitored and locked up; I need to have my freedom and ability to do my work. But I also need to feel held, and I don’t, here. There’s no one around me who understands what I’ve been through. I don’t even have a therapist anymore. Partly that’s my own fault, I know. I could look for another one, but I don’t. I probably won’t. Or, well, I’ll search and search, I’ll find them online and read their profiles, but I’ll never pick up the phone and call. I’m too afraid.
I’ve built up my own walls, and I have no idea how to get out of them. I’m alone and afraid, and it hurts so much right now.