I feel like crying right now.
And then I feel guilty because I feel like all I’ve done here lately is whine and complain. I know that’s old stuff, trauma stuff. I even hear it in my mother’s voice: “No one wants to be around you because you’re so negative all the time.” I know it’s old stuff, and I know this is my space to say whatever I want to or need to…but I still feel like I should censor myself, like I should just shut up if I don’t have something good to say.
But sometimes things just suck for long stretches of time. That’s not my fault, and it’s okay to talk about it. (This is what I’m trying to convince myself of, anyway.) I don’t want to shut myself up anymore. I wouldn’t let anyone else shut me up, so why do I let the internalized voice of my mother shut me up?
I’ve had a headache for four days now, and it won’t go away. If I take any more Tylenol, my liver will reach up my throat and strangle me. I tried taking a Flexeril on the assumption that it was tension-related, but that hasn’t helped. I’ve tried ice. I’ve tried heat. I don’t have any more prescription painkillers left, so that’s not an option.
And I’m frustrated with my GP. I think I mentioned before that my insurance suddenly decided my psychiatrist couldn’t write my prescription for progesterone anymore. I was going to see an OB/GYN, but it was easier and quicker to get an appointment with my GP. I had the appointment today, and it was useless. First, they somehow ruined my urine sample, god only knows how. I gave them a full cup, and I don’t know how they managed to ruin the whole thing. They wanted me to stay until I could pee again, but I lied and said I had to be back at work.
Then I saw my doctor and asked for the progesterone, but he wouldn’t give me a prescription. I get that I’m complicated because I have a serious illness and take a lot of meds, but I’ve been on the progesterone already. I just needed a prescription from a non-psychiatrist because my insurance company was being ridiculous. But he just said I had to see an OB/GYN. He wouldn’t even write me a prescription for this week so I don’t go crazy. Nope. So now I have to wait until I can get an appointment with an OB/GYN, which, as previously mentioned, scares the shit out of me, AND I’m just going to have to deal with a week of full-blown crazy. Which is probably a big part of why I’m fighting back tears right now. Fuck my hormones, and fuck my doctor.
(Disclaimer: most of the time I like this doctor. It’s just really hard for me to be able to ask for what I need, and it feels really awful when that need then goes unmet. Then it starts the messages about how I don’t deserve to have needs at all.)