I feel like crying right now.

And then I feel guilty because I feel like all I’ve done here lately is whine and complain.  I know that’s old stuff, trauma stuff.  I even hear it in my mother’s voice: “No one wants to be around you because you’re so negative all the time.”  I know it’s old stuff, and I know this is my space to say whatever I want to or need to…but I still feel like I should censor myself, like I should just shut up if I don’t have something good to say.

But sometimes things just suck for long stretches of time.  That’s not my fault, and it’s okay to talk about it.  (This is what I’m trying to convince myself of, anyway.)  I don’t want to shut myself up anymore.  I wouldn’t let anyone else shut me up, so why do I let the internalized voice of my mother shut me up?

I’ve had a headache for four days now, and it won’t go away.  If I take any more Tylenol, my liver will reach up my throat and strangle me.  I tried taking a Flexeril on the assumption that it was tension-related, but that hasn’t helped.  I’ve tried ice.  I’ve tried heat.  I don’t have any more prescription painkillers left, so that’s not an option.

And I’m frustrated with my GP.  I think I mentioned before that my insurance suddenly decided my psychiatrist couldn’t write my prescription for progesterone anymore.  I was going to see an OB/GYN, but it was easier and quicker to get an appointment with my GP.  I had the appointment today, and it was useless.  First, they somehow ruined my urine sample, god only knows how.  I gave them a full cup, and I don’t know how they managed to ruin the whole thing.  They wanted me to stay until I could pee again, but I lied and said I had to be back at work.

Then I saw my doctor and asked for the progesterone, but he wouldn’t give me a prescription.  I get that I’m complicated because I have a serious illness and take a lot of meds, but I’ve been on the progesterone already.  I just needed a prescription from a non-psychiatrist because my insurance company was being ridiculous.  But he just said I had to see an OB/GYN.  He wouldn’t even write me a prescription for this week so I don’t go crazy.  Nope.  So now I have to wait until I can get an appointment with an OB/GYN, which, as previously mentioned, scares the shit out of me, AND I’m just going to have to deal with a week of full-blown crazy.  Which is probably a big part of why I’m fighting back tears right now.  Fuck my hormones, and fuck my doctor.

(Disclaimer: most of the time I like this doctor.  It’s just really hard for me to be able to ask for what I need, and it feels really awful when that need then goes unmet.  Then it starts the messages about how I don’t deserve to have needs at all.)



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21 responses to “Frustrated

  1. You deserve to have your voice heard and your needs met. I’m so sorry that things with your multiple doctors are so difficult right now. Let yourself let it out when you need to. If you bottle it up, you may explode.

    • Yeah, writing is how I deal with things. I’m not so much the exploding type–I tend to get massively depressed and suicidal because everything starts to feel hopeless. (Or because my hormones go psycho on me when I’m not medicated.) But I’m really trying to avoid that.

      What I really want is one central person who can coordinate all my medical stuff. I kinda thought that’s what a GP would do, but I appear to have been wrong. He seems okay for minor things like my asthma, but beyond that…nope. Why can’t there be some kind of system where the docs all collaborate and talk to each other so that there’s continuity of care and I’m not left feeling totally alone with a bunch of serious medical issues? I get that it would be more work for the doctors, but you could offer a much higher standard of care that way. But instead we’ve got this system where each doctor will only deal with one small piece, and you run back and forth from doctor to doctor to doctor because there’s no communication and no central coordinator. It’s insane and horribly frustrating.

      • I wish for the system of care you described every day. I have signed releases with every doctor I have to try to encourage them to talk to one another. It hasn’t helped much.

      • Yeah, sometimes I want to ask what the hell I signed releases for, since my doctors never actually talk to each other. When I’m in charge of the world, things will be different!

      • 🙂 I’m sure they will!!

  2. That sucks, I’m sorry it’s so difficult right now. I get migraines, and I suggest putting a cold compress on your head while soaking your feet in hot water, or an epsom salts bath with a cold cloth on your head. Acupuncture helps a lot if you can access it, and some teas are miraculous for pain and moods. Can you find Eastern medicine practicioners around you? They have very different views on things, and it might help. Hang in there! xo

    • I can’t afford anything that insurance won’t cover, like Eastern medicine. There used to be a sliding-scale acupuncture clinic in my town, but it shut down at the end of last year. I was seeing a really great chiropractor for a while too, but I can’t afford him anymore.

      I’ve tried using heat and cold both for my headache. Mine’s at the base of my skull and up into the crown, so I’ve tried ice and heat packs mostly on the back of my neck/head. It helps a little while I’m lying there with the ice pack on my neck, but as soon as I get up again, the headache is back. Maybe tonight I’ll try an epsom salt bath while icing the back of my head/neck.

  3. breakdownchick

    Sending hugs:)

  4. Sending hugs aswell. Kinda fuzzy right now but we have this internalized voice aswell and relate because of it. Feeling the need to censor even on the internet as well. Its hard and sucks.


  5. So sorry that you are suffering and frustrated. I want to think that the GP had the best of intensions wanting you to see an OB/GYN. I am not one to tell you not to worry about that visit but I wonder if you might get your landlady to go with you (given that you mentioned there is a bit of a bond between you two). Please excuse me if I am off base with that idea.

  6. I have a special level of frustration reserved for doctors who won’t even give enough to hold you over until you can be seen. Lucky you’re not here in Canada….could take months to see an OB. :(. I understand the desire fir you to be treated and followed by OB but really? It can’t be good for your poor system to come off any med so hard. Xox. Wish I could go to your appt with you. (I know that sounds weird but you know what I mean. Lol).

  7. I’m sorry that your doctor is being a turd. Hopefully an OB/GYN can help you out. You may want to explain to them some of your past or just say I’m a victim of “insert word” and don’t feel comfortable with “whatever procedure”. I would hope that they’d be willing to work with you on that. I hope you feel better soon! And you shouldn’t feel guilty for coming to your blog to rant. If this is the best place for you to do that, do it. We’re all here to support you!

  8. mandy

    I hate not being able to undo the old “you’re undeserving” messages. They weigh us down, disable us. You DO deserve to have your voice heard. So, vent away. Sometimes the system sucks.

  9. oh man I hear you. I have to fight off that message that” my needs don’t matter” all the time. Especially when I feel like I’m getting the run around from my docs. No one wants to be the one to give you pain meds, but they all recognize that your in pain and that it is part of your medical condition that they can’t really treat in any other way, but after a couple prescriptions for pain meds, they cut you off, which I wouldn’t mind if they could offer me an alternative but they can’t or don’t. So you’re just left hanging.
    Sorry- didn’t mean to hijack your post with my own complaints, but I get it. And yes, this is your space to say whatever you need to say, positive or not. I enjoy hearing your voice.

  10. Also- see if your insurance covers an osteopath. It’s a medical doctor who usually also takes GP patients, but they specialize in structural stuff. Mine does adjustments and it’s covered by insurance.

    • if you’re still having headaches, let me know. I was a massage therapist in my life before IBD and might have a few tricks you can try. Hope you are feeling better.

  11. I feel for you — your doctor/OBGYN situation really sucks. As for your blog, you’re right — this is YOUR space and you should rant and rave and complain all you want. We want to hear how you are REALLY doing. I can understand the voices in your head telling you to stop being so negative, but I don’t think you’re being negative persay — there are just negative things going on in your life and you need to get them out! Take care, try and rest, and I do hope your headache has moved on by now!

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