My birthday is on Sunday, and I’m feeling kind of crappy because I don’t have any plans.  Having plans would require having a social life outside of the campaigns and the internet, and I don’t have one.  Lately, it’s a good day if I can manage to get out of my pajamas, and going out happens infrequently and usually only for campaign stuff.

I’m hurt that BF hasn’t tried to make plans with me.  If he asked, I’d take a bus down to New York City and be with him.  I miss him all the time.  Before this year, he only lived about an hour away, and we went out at least once a week.  Now we hardly even talk, and it hurts.  To be fair, I haven’t initiated anything because I’m worried that he doesn’t really want to talk to me or see me.  I mean, the last time I called him was when I found out my grandmother had died, and he was more interested in going to bed than listening to me.  But it was finals week for him.

There will be a little celebration tomorrow night with my landlady and her family.  I have dinner with them on Wednesday nights, and last week her 8-year-old son decided I needed to have a party.  He’s pretty cute.  He’s obsessed with Bruce Springsteen but can’t sing to save his life, so I’ll probably get serenaded by some barely recognizable Bruce Springsteen songs.

But other than that, no plans.  My mother and sister are buying me a nice bike, which I’m pretty happy about.


Cute, isn’t it?  It’ll make it a lot easier for me to get around.  See, I live two miles from the center of town.  It’s not that far, except that it’s on a busy road with no shoulder where people speed like hell because the cops never run radar there.  So it’s not walking-friendly.  But with a bike, I’ll be able ride into town instead of having to wait for the bus.  From the downtown stop, I can get to other places I need to go, and our buses even have bike racks on the front so you can take your bike wherever you’re going.  They also have those things you can chain your bike up to at the busiest stops.  (Do those things have a name?  Those upside-down U-shaped things?)

My grandparents will probably send me a check, which I’ll probably use to get a helmet and a lock.  My other sister probably won’t get me anything, which is cool because I know she’s broke like I am.  I don’t really need a lot of presents and stuff anyway.

I want to do something special for myself, but I honestly can’t think of anything I want to do.  I did buy myself a new computer which I just got today.  It’s soooo much better than the old one.  I’ve learned my lesson and will never buy another $300 computer.  You think you’re saving money, but you’re only saving money because it’s a piece of junk.  It wasn’t even a year old, but the fan had crapped out, so to keep it running, I literally had to stick an ice pack under it.

But there’s nothing I can think of to do on my actual birthday.  Probably I’ll just end up canvassing with my campaign folks.  Maybe I’ll pretend the convention is my birthday present, since it starts five days after my birthday.  The 13th is pretty much nothing but parties, and I’ve mostly figured out which ones I’m going to.  My AG candidate’s party starts at 7:30, so I’ll hit that one first.  My gubernatorial candidate’s party starts at 9:00, and I’ll probably need to be there to schmooze and convince delegates.  I’d like to hit at least one of the lieutenant governor candidates’ parties in between, since I still haven’t decided on that race.  I jokingly told my boss on the gubernatorial campaign that I’d vote for whichever lieutenant governor candidate’s party had food I could actually eat.

I just really don’t want to sit home alone on my birthday.



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11 responses to “Birthday

  1. The bike is fantastic, and a new computer too. Sounds pretty good to me. Hope you feel well, that might be the biggest birthday gift for you right now.

  2. That is one sweet looking bike! AND a new computer. You’ve gone and given yourself a birthday present, there! Maybe you could gently hint to BF, that “duh! It’s my birthday weekend!” and he would take the hint. Sometimes we’re not reaching out for fear of being rejected, when the other person is dealing with the same fear. You won’t know unless you try, right? I know long distance relationships can suck, but they suck a little less if you can talk regularly.

    • Isn’t it a cute bike? I’m kind of in love. Plus it’ll make my life easier–I think riding my bike into town will actually eat up less of my energy than standing and waiting for the bus.

      You’re right about the fear of rejection. I have this basic assumption in all my relationships that everybody hates me, or at least finds me annoying and wishes I would shut up and go away. Even with people, like BF, who’ve known me for years and shown over and over that they want to be part of my life. Even with those people, I find it really hard to initiate anything. And traditionally BF has been the initiator of pretty much everything in our relationship. But it’s probably not fair of me to expect him to always initiate things, and our relationship is changing since he moved to NYC. Maybe it’s time for me to grow out of my comfort zone a little.

  3. I’m happy that you’re getting a bike! It looks super cute! It’s cool that your landlady and her son are throwing you a birthday party. I hope the new computer works out well for you. You might want to try telling your bf that you want to spend your birthday with him. I had to tell my bf that and we live together.

    • Yeah, my BF can be interpersonally clueless sometimes. He’s one of the kindest people I’ve ever known, but sometimes he’s clueless about how to show people how much he cares. And we haven’t quite figured out the long-distance relationship thing, either.

      I’m looking forward to the mini-party tomorrow night. It’s just my landlady, her partner, and her son, but they’re a cool family. When I spend time with them, it’s kind of like a surrogate family. (Including staying up all night over the weekend to take care of my landlady when she got food poisoning and her partner was away. I told her I’m verrrrry used to puke and poop at this point.)

      And I’m getting a super cute bike! I feel like I need to buy a retro wardrobe to go with it. I even ran across a company a few weeks ago that makes hats of all different styles to go over bike helmets.

      • LDRs can be hard. I hope that everything works out for the both of you.

        It’s awesome that they’re a surrogate family for you. It’s always nice to have people around you that you know care for you.

        You should totally get a hat! If you do you’ll have to show us what it looks like 🙂

  4. Owl

    Happy Early Birthday! It’s sucky that your bf hasn’t tried to make plans, I’m sorry you’re feeling alone and disappointed. I hope you can make your birthday fun for yourself and feel loved…I think the hardest part of life is that we often have to give ourselves love first when we want it from someone else, and make things special for ourselves, by ourselves. But you do deserve a special day and I hope you can make it that way. Best wishes and enjoy your new bike!!

    • Yeah, I’m not very good at giving myself love, and I almost never feel like it’s okay to ask for any from other people. It’s kind of a self-defeating thing, and I end up feeling very alone.

      It’s also hard because I literally can’t think of anything special I’d want to do for myself for my birthday. I don’t know if that’s because I’m not used to doing anything special for myself or because the anhedonia that comes with my depression makes it hard to enjoy things. Probably some of both.

  5. Oh wow what a great bike! Are you going to be okay riding it? I hope it is nice and smooth to ride and doesn’t exacerbate any pain for you. It’s a great idea and a really cool looking bike – I hope it gives you some more freedom to go where you want, when you want.

    I soooooooooo wish I could join you on your birthday! I’d love to hang out with you and eat junk, drink wine and laugh until we’re in tears. I so miss having a friend like you in my life (I mean here, physically, in my life – you are the most amazing internet friend evah!) I’ll be celebrating with you in spirit 🙂 Happy almost birthday my dear friend. I’m so lucky to have met and grown to care for you over these last years.

    *HUGS!* xox

    • Yeah, the bike is really cute. I’m pretty sure my sister is the one who picked that out for me. I don’t think riding will exacerbate my pain–things that involve sitting down are okay. It’s more a question of when I’ll have the energy to ride. But I actually think it might be easier than standing and waiting for the bus. I’ll just have to experiment and see how it goes.

      Well, I can’t eat junk or drink wine, but I can still laugh. I need to work on inventing a transporter so we can hang out. I used to own an Enterprise-D tech manual….

  6. mandy

    Love the bike!! I got one similar a few years ago (didn’t want the speed racer with the skinny seat!) and it’s so much fun. I hope you will enjoy it. I hope you’ll enjoy your special day however it happens ❤

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