Feeling Crappy

Feeling crappy tonight.

I saw C today, and she said she’d spoken again with A.  (If you recall, I was told that to keep C as my clinical mentor, I have to have a therapist, so I’d agreed to meet with C and A together on the 29th.)  Apparently A reconsidered, and now she doesn’t think she can work with me because she doesn’t understand DID well enough.  I don’t know why she decided that now instead of back when I first started seeing her.  I told her I had DID and wanted to work on those issues.

I don’t understand why it hurts so much.  I haven’t even seen her in 2 months or so, maybe even longer, but I’m sitting here fighting back tears.  I didn’t even want to go to the meeting with her!  I was dreading it.  So why does it hurt so much now?

So now I have to find a new therapist.  I don’t know how–I have literally been through every therapist within range of public transit.  I don’t even want to try anymore, but if I don’t have a therapist, then I lose C, too.  Then I’d be stuck with no one except Idiot Case Manager, who’s worse than useless.

I also found out my insurance won’t approve my progesterone because the prescription came from my psychiatrist.  WTF?  I’m using it for PMDD, and without it, I go crazy every month.  I don’t know why they’d suddenly deny it now; I’ve been on it for months, and they’ve never objected before.

S, the nurse who was on my team back when I had a team, said she knows an OB/GYN who’s trauma-sensitive and won’t insist on doing an exam, so they’re going to make me an appointment.  I’m still terrified.  I mean, how do I know they won’t suddenly insist on an exam once I’m there?  I don’t have anyone who could go with me anymore, and I don’t know that I’d be able to say no.  I have a tendency to shut down and let people do whatever they want with my body.  I’m debating whether I should omit certain medical information–like the fact that the first 2-3 days of my period are so painful I can’t function and the fact that one of the scans they did when I first got sick with UC accidentally found an ovarian cyst–to decrease the likelihood of them deciding to do an exam.  I know I shouldn’t leave out information, but…I’m scared.  I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying to tell myself that I can handle it and that I have the ability to say no.  And there are things that I probably should’ve talked to an OB/GYN about a long time ago, like the unmanageable cramps.  I’m also interested in discussing actual birth control (I’ve just been taking the progesterone for the two weeks before my period), potentially one of the ones where you get to skip periods most months.  First for the PMDD but also because my UC always gets much worse around the time of my period.  So maybe it’ll be productive to see this doctor?  That’s what I’m trying to convince myself of.



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17 responses to “Feeling Crappy

  1. Wish I could go hold your hand at the OB/GYN because it does sound like you could benefit from a visit and medication. I delayed having a pelvic exam until my mid 30s. And then I was lucky to have women GPs who handled the GYN care. Birth Control Pills can be very helpful. And ovarian cysts are painful and can be debilitating.

    I am also very sorry about your situation regarding therapists. No bright ideas, just sorry. Crying makes sense, who wouldn’t in your shoes.

  2. Ahhh hell, Hope. This is a thought out of nowhere, so tell me if I’m crazy — have you ever thought about a therapy dog (or pet or whatever)? I know some people with serious medical issues who are able to bring their dog in with them to the exam and it greatly calms them. Again, that is a totally random suggestion, just thought, well maybe?

    Visits to the GYN are scary, in and of themselves, even for people who don’t have a negative abuse history. I try to avoid at all costs. I can’t even imagine what you are going through. If nothing else, just keep blogging and blogging and blogging and letting all those feelings out. I do know THAT does some good, at least for me.

    • If I had a dog, I’d try that. But I really can’t afford a pet, unfortunately. I wish it were possible, but it’s just not, given my current financial situation.

      Thanks for the understanding. Sometimes I feel like I’m just overreacting, so it helps to know I’m not just being a drama queen or something.

  3. My symptoms get worse around my period too. It sucks 😦

    • Yeah, apparently it’s a common thing in female IBD patients. My theory is that the muscle contractions in the uterus might stimulate muscle contractions in the bowel, but I’m just guessing. I was an English major, after all, and I have no medical training. It could also be something hormonal because my increased UC symptoms usually start a few days before my period does.

  4. can you link me to your “About” page? I can’t find it.

  5. You’re hurt because you keep opening up to these people and then they screw you over somehow. Therapists have been doing this to you since you and I met. 😦 It makes me so sad when they betray you, even when it’s in your best interest, like this. If she doesn’t think she can help you … I just don’t know. Xox

    As for the gyn, maybe practice saying no? Script it for yourself so when you dissociate from the fear you might automatically refuse? I so wish I could with you.

    Please though, tell them NO physical exam right up front and then be truthful about your symptoms. They can’t help if they don’t know. 😦

    I love you sister. Xx.

  6. I had a very difficult time going to a GYN for the first time too. I still can’t have a pelvic exam without serious flashbacks to how traumatized I was as a little girl going through countless medical exams to prove I wasn’t lying about the abuse! I flat out refuse a male doctor and that makes it to where I am able to do it but it’s never something that I am ok with. I feel for you and hope you will be able to get your health under control.

  7. Ugh, sorry you’ve got so much on your plate! Thinking about your hormone issues, I wonder if one of the long-lasting progesterone treatments might be for you? I’m not current on that, but I know they’ve come up with a number of ways to deliver progesterone that last months to years. It does require a full-on gyno exam, though.

    I was raped by a male gynecologist, and will never go to a male again. I’d rather die first. Besides which, I think it’s perverted for a man to want to touch women’s genitals all day long. Sorry to unload my bias, but that’s the way I feel. I actually like nurse-midwives the best of all. They usually bring a lot of common sense, empathy, and humor to the situation at hand.

    • I don’t actually know that much about the various birth control options. I’m a little hesitant to try something long-term because if it causes problems, well, I’m kinda stuck with it, at least for a while. And there are some studies that correlate hormonal birth control and UC flares, although generally it’s linked to estrogen rather than progesterone.

      Yeah, I wouldn’t go to a male OB/GYN either. It is creepy. It’s only in the last year that I’ve been seeing any male doctors because generally I don’t want anyone with a Y chromosome touching me. But my GP and my awesome gastroenterologist are both male. My GI doc does have to knock me out before he sticks a camera up my butt, but I think I’d have to be knocked out even if I had a female doctor. I know some doctors do it with the patient conscious, and that sounds pretty awful to me.

      • One of my acupuncture patients–I should say, FORMER acupuncture patients because he got well and doesn’t need me anymore, except for seasonal tune-ups–had such terrible UC that they wanted to take out his whole colon! He had to have so many ‘scopes that eventually he started doing them conscious, because he didn’t like the sedation more than he didn’t like the ‘scope. He is remarkable in many ways, though. I have “only” had two colonoscopies plus three upper endoscopies and I can say with 100% confidence that without the teesh-toosh (Hebrew for anesthesia), I not go for eet.

        One plus for being conscious–my patient got to see the look of shock on his gastro’s countenance when he saw R’s colon 3 months after starting acupuncture–when R had his first ‘scope with the GI, he had announced that R’s colon was “shot” and had to be removed because of risk of toxic megacolon, etc. etc, so R came to me and his colon decided to regenerate its epithelium. His colon was more than 50% regenerated. After that he had ‘scopes every three months, which was great because it documented the healing. Eventually R had a brand new colon after 30 years of illness. He put a lot into it himself, with meditation, visualization, reflexology, other modes of healing. Plus he religiously stuck to the diet I gave him, and he took the herbal medicines I gave him. I was just as amazed as his jerky GI doc.


        Q: What is a sigmoidoscope?
        A: A flexible tube with an asshole at each end!

        (Sorry, the devil made me do it ;-D )

      • Wow, those are some impressive results! I did a few acupuncture sessions when we had a low-income acupuncture clinic here, but they shut down shortly afterward. Nobody’s talking about taking my colon out yet, though. (They wanted to when I first got sick, but I managed to avoid that.) I’ve done as much of the alternative stuff as I can do an my own and afford–very strict diet, a few herbs–and while I’m not as sick as I was at first, I’ve still never gone into remission. Sometimes I think the drugs make me nearly as sick as the UC itself.

        Still, nobody’s doing a colonoscopy without knocking me out. I wish they could knock me out for the prep, too! I’ve never had trouble with whatever sedation they used, except that apparently the anesthesiologist for my first one didn’t read my chart, so he had to change his plan at the last minute when he found out I’m allergic to eggs. Apparently whatever drug he was going to use is made with eggs. But he still knocked me out, just with something else.

      • Oh yeah, the prep. In Israel, where I lived when I first got sick, they use propoline glycol, which is basically liquid plastic. You had to drink a gallon of it as fast as you could. I had trouble not throwing it up because it smells so evil. No lemon-lime electrolyte solution there. I read somewhere that some GI docs are accepting if you get a colonic therapy clean-out right before the exam. I think it might work if no more than 15 minutes elapsed between the treatments, but it is a really enticing idea that instead of spending 12 or more hours on the shitter, one could just get cleaned out from below, do the thing, and be done with it. Remind me to tell you about the events in the Israeli hospital…..

      • I don’t even mind spending all night on the toilet–god knows I do that enough anyway. But for me, the prep causes horrible, painful cramps and hours of shivering. The UC already causes more than enough pain, thankyouverymuch, and the prep makes it worse.

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