Feeling crappy tonight.
I saw C today, and she said she’d spoken again with A. (If you recall, I was told that to keep C as my clinical mentor, I have to have a therapist, so I’d agreed to meet with C and A together on the 29th.) Apparently A reconsidered, and now she doesn’t think she can work with me because she doesn’t understand DID well enough. I don’t know why she decided that now instead of back when I first started seeing her. I told her I had DID and wanted to work on those issues.
I don’t understand why it hurts so much. I haven’t even seen her in 2 months or so, maybe even longer, but I’m sitting here fighting back tears. I didn’t even want to go to the meeting with her! I was dreading it. So why does it hurt so much now?
So now I have to find a new therapist. I don’t know how–I have literally been through every therapist within range of public transit. I don’t even want to try anymore, but if I don’t have a therapist, then I lose C, too. Then I’d be stuck with no one except Idiot Case Manager, who’s worse than useless.
I also found out my insurance won’t approve my progesterone because the prescription came from my psychiatrist. WTF? I’m using it for PMDD, and without it, I go crazy every month. I don’t know why they’d suddenly deny it now; I’ve been on it for months, and they’ve never objected before.
S, the nurse who was on my team back when I had a team, said she knows an OB/GYN who’s trauma-sensitive and won’t insist on doing an exam, so they’re going to make me an appointment. I’m still terrified. I mean, how do I know they won’t suddenly insist on an exam once I’m there? I don’t have anyone who could go with me anymore, and I don’t know that I’d be able to say no. I have a tendency to shut down and let people do whatever they want with my body. I’m debating whether I should omit certain medical information–like the fact that the first 2-3 days of my period are so painful I can’t function and the fact that one of the scans they did when I first got sick with UC accidentally found an ovarian cyst–to decrease the likelihood of them deciding to do an exam. I know I shouldn’t leave out information, but…I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.
I’m trying to tell myself that I can handle it and that I have the ability to say no. And there are things that I probably should’ve talked to an OB/GYN about a long time ago, like the unmanageable cramps. I’m also interested in discussing actual birth control (I’ve just been taking the progesterone for the two weeks before my period), potentially one of the ones where you get to skip periods most months. First for the PMDD but also because my UC always gets much worse around the time of my period. So maybe it’ll be productive to see this doctor? That’s what I’m trying to convince myself of.