Triggered

Some fucker just banged on my window again.  This time I decided that I may be 5’4″ and sick as hell, but I didn’t take years of martial arts classes for nothing–I can defend myself if I need to.  It was some young guy in khakis and a button-down shirt, and he said he was looking for Christina.  I told him no one named Christina lives here.  He just stared at me for a minute and then said he’d wander around and try to find her.  He seemed…I dunno, stoned or something.

I’m trying to decide if I should call the cops.

When I told my landlady about somebody banging on my window a couple weeks ago, she said she thinks the previous tenants were selling drugs, and my bedroom was their bedroom.  But I’ve lived here since January, and I know the apartment was vacant for several months before that because they were renovating the apartment.  Wouldn’t the former tenants’ customers know they’d moved by now?

But I don’t really want to call the cops because then I’d have to deal with my cop issues.  I’m sure I’d do fine in the moment, but I’d fall apart later.  That’s usually how it goes for me with triggers.  People think I’m handling everything great, but then once things calm down, it all goes BOOM.  And I’m already struggling since I found out about my grandmother dying, so I don’t really want to deal with more triggers right now if I don’t have to.  Then again, I also don’t want to worry that I’m going to be raped or murdered in my sleep because I decided not to call the cops.

Okay.  Calm down.  That guy seemed too out of it to really do us any harm.  Plus, one of my roommates is a large guy.  Harmless, but he looks intimidating, and sometimes that’s all that matters.  I’ve locked the front door and the door to my bedroom, so if somebody tries to get in, I’m gonna know about it before they actually get in.  In the morning, I’ll call my landlady and see what she thinks I should do.  If I need to, I can make a police report then.  She also mentioned that there’s a cop who lives two doors down who’s a really nice guy, so maybe he can handle it informally.  I am not going to freak myself out about this tonight.  Well, no more than I have already.  (Yeah, I’m still shaking.)

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Triggered

  1. kat

    id still be shaking too! and even more if i had to deal with cops (i hate cops, dont trust any of ’em)

    • I hear ya. I know some of them are good people individually–my sister, for example, I trust–but as a group, I don’t trust them either. Too much power and too little oversight creates a perfect situation for abuse of power.

  2. This is a rough situation. I’d lean toward filing a police report, in case anything ever really does happen, but I don’t really have a fear of law enforcement. Maybe your landlady is right and you could talk a bit to the officer that lives near you? I dunno, no more advice to give on that one. Just know that we are all out here thinking of you and sending positive thoughts!

    • Thanks, my friend. I did end up talking to the police, but it was because one of my neighbors called them. But I gave them a description and told them what happened, and the guy took down my name and info. He also said to call them if the guy shows up again, so at least now I don’t feel like I’m overreacting. With my PTSD, it’s really hard to tell what’s normal fear and what’s hypervigilance, so I tend to err on the side of, “Oh, you’re just being crazy.”

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