I just need to vent for a while.
I’m so sick of being sick. I didn’t sign up for this, and I shouldn’t have to deal with it. It’s not fair.
Today, I woke up in my own shit. A few hours later, I crapped myself again. I’ve spent the last several hours trying to clean bright orange shit stains out of my clothes, my sheets, and my mattress. I can deal with the mess, the grossness, and even the embarrassment. I’m used to those things by now. What I hate is that I can’t even control basic bodily functions. Until this last year, I hadn’t crapped myself since I was about two years old.
I called C in tears an hour ago. She brought me adult diapers. DIAPERS. I am 27 years old, and I have to wear diapers. Nobody else will know, but it still feels incredibly humiliating.
I just don’t think I can take much more of this. I mean, I do all the things you’re supposed to do: I changed my diet, I take my meds, I see my gastroenterologist. Things are better than they were a year ago, but I’m still sick. I’ve never gone into remission. This disease still greatly limits what I’m able to do.
Days like today just make me feel so hopeless. Instead of calling through my phone bank lists, I’ve spent my day on the phone with my GI doc’s office and C. I want to curl up in bed and sleep to escape all of this shit, but I can’t until I get the bright orange stain out of my mattress and dry it out. Also, both sets of sheets I own are currently in the washer. And I need to do another load of laundry because I no longer have any clean underwear.
Fuck ulcerative colitis.