I Hate PTSD

It’s midnight.  Someone just knocked on my bedroom window.  Twice.  A window that does not face the street, meaning they would’ve had to come around the side of the house.  And there’s a car on the street outside my bedroom window, right by the house, just sitting there with the lights on.  They didn’t knock on the door.  Just my window.

My heart rate is 124, and I feel like I can’t breathe.  I’m trying to breathe, but it feels like there’s no air.  I am fighting the urge to hide in the closet and pile clothes and blankets on top of me to hide me.  Every little noise is making me jump.

Now I’m terrified someone is going to break in through my window and rape me.  I was almost ready to go to bed–I have to be up early in the morning because I’m doing a cross-state trip with my boss and the other regional lead.  Now I doubt I’ll sleep at all tonight.  If I do, I’ll have nightmares about being raped.  I’m afraid whoever’s in the car outside saw me peeking out my window at them, so now they’ll kill me after they rape me so I can’t tell anyone.

I know this is irrational.  I know my mind is going way too fast, but I keep hearing noises at the window someone knocked at, and I’m terrified to go look.  I’m just sitting here paralyzed, hoping they’ll go away.  But even if they do, even if they already have, I’m not going to feel safe.  I’m going to jump at every little noise, and there are a lot of them tonight because it’s raining and windy.  It’s been almost 15 minutes now, and my heart is still racing.  I still feel like I can’t breathe.

If my father hadn’t spent 16 years abusing me, if I hadn’t been physically and sexually assaulted in the state hospital…I wouldn’t be panicking like this.  If people hadn’t thought it was okay to fuck me, I’d be okay right now.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “I Hate PTSD

  1. Sunshine

    Poor thing…so sorry you are going through this…can you call the police and have them come look behind your house and the car in front?

    • My father, who was my primary abuser, was a cop, so they don’t exactly make me feel safe. But the car is gone, nobody’s outside my window, and I’m okay-ish. I might try to sleep soon.

  2. These situations get to us easily. They are awfull. Everything you wrote does make sense. Ptsd does suck. When we hear something, we go in overdrive also. Sorry you go through this. 😦

  3. breakdownchick

    I know those feelings all to well. My heart goes out to you.

  4. Understanding and hugs. You shouldn’t have had to go through those things.

  5. What a creep, whoever did that…I HATE him, musta been a HIM, on your behalf, Hope you have a better night tonight. Take care, Pam

    • Thanks. I hope it’s a better night tonight too. I’m not even going to get home until at least 1:00am because I’m working in Boston right now. My UC may keep me up–for some reason, it’s always worst at night and early morning.

  6. I didn’t sleep last night at all either….trying to get off my psych meds. and it;s a beech. I need to take something to sleep tonight or I will be a real “basket case” and not serving my main purpose. But we will see if it works. I am trying to reconfigure my remaining dose so I take it at bedtime, what little I do take now, and sleep at least then…If not, Well, I may be up too! Hope you get a little shuteye tonight too. You need it! Pam

    • Ooh, yeah, med withdrawals can really mess with your sleep, and no sleep will make you crazy. When I absolutely can’t sleep, a big dose on Benadryl almost always knocks me out. Sleeping pills never worked for me, but the doc who did my sleep study said that’s because of the particular combo of sleep disorders I have. My brain is all wacky.

      But I’m still in Boston surrounded by a bunch of drunk campaign organizers. And we live three hours away. Not sure if we are ever even leaving boston.

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