It’s midnight. Someone just knocked on my bedroom window. Twice. A window that does not face the street, meaning they would’ve had to come around the side of the house. And there’s a car on the street outside my bedroom window, right by the house, just sitting there with the lights on. They didn’t knock on the door. Just my window.
My heart rate is 124, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m trying to breathe, but it feels like there’s no air. I am fighting the urge to hide in the closet and pile clothes and blankets on top of me to hide me. Every little noise is making me jump.
Now I’m terrified someone is going to break in through my window and rape me. I was almost ready to go to bed–I have to be up early in the morning because I’m doing a cross-state trip with my boss and the other regional lead. Now I doubt I’ll sleep at all tonight. If I do, I’ll have nightmares about being raped. I’m afraid whoever’s in the car outside saw me peeking out my window at them, so now they’ll kill me after they rape me so I can’t tell anyone.
I know this is irrational. I know my mind is going way too fast, but I keep hearing noises at the window someone knocked at, and I’m terrified to go look. I’m just sitting here paralyzed, hoping they’ll go away. But even if they do, even if they already have, I’m not going to feel safe. I’m going to jump at every little noise, and there are a lot of them tonight because it’s raining and windy. It’s been almost 15 minutes now, and my heart is still racing. I still feel like I can’t breathe.
If my father hadn’t spent 16 years abusing me, if I hadn’t been physically and sexually assaulted in the state hospital…I wouldn’t be panicking like this. If people hadn’t thought it was okay to fuck me, I’d be okay right now.