Whirlwinds All Around

I feel like crying.  I don’t know why.

I’m just so exhausted all the time lately.  Some of it’s the meds (fucking 6-MP, man), and some of it’s probably depression.  But knowing what it is doesn’t make it any easier to manage.

I slept ten hours last night, was up for about 3, slept another 4 hours, and have been up for 5.  Still exhausted.  I flaked out on the phone bank I was supposed to go to because just thinking about getting out of bed and getting dressed and brushing my hair made me want to cry.  There’s another phone bank tomorrow that I’ll try to make it to, and then Thursday I’ve been invited to go on the road with my regional field director and the other regional lead to do one on one meetings with volunteers and then go by HQ.  I’m leaning toward opting out of tomorrow’s phone bank so I’ll (hopefully) have the energy to do Thursday all day–because I also said I’d cut turfs for a month’s worth of canvasses for five towns in our region by Wednesday night.  If all else fails, I have Adderall and caffeine pills to get me through Thursday.  (No lectures, please.)  Then I have Friday off.  Saturday, the political director for the AG campaign I’m working personally called and asked me to march with the candidate in the pride parade on Saturday, which I said yes to.  Then Sunday I’m canvassing for the gubernatorial candidate.

Don’t get me wrong; I love this stuff.  Okay, phone banking and turf-cutting are boring but necessary.  What I like is feeling needed.  I like having a title (“regional lead” sounds important, right?) and getting calls from important people.  I like having politicians know my name.  I like being trusted with responsibilities.

That probably makes me a little egomaniacal, but…well, that’s me, I guess.  I’m mostly okay with that because it has been SO FUCKING LONG since I felt like I was good at something, like I wasn’t disposable and replaceable.  I mean, these campaigns wouldn’t suddenly crumble if I got kidnapped by aliens or something, but they’d struggle.  They’d be a little frantic trying to fill in the gaps I left.  So maybe it makes me a little bit of an asshole, but I like feeling like I’d leave a hole.  It makes me feel like I can justify my existence.  And every campaign I’ve worked on, my candidate has won.

But the fatigue makes me feel crappy.  I’m not even sure if it’s real, you know?  I keep questioning whether I’m just using it as an excuse to get out of the drudge work of phone banking.  That’s probably my family talking–“You’re just being manipulative, you’re just faking it, it’s all in your head, you’re just making excuses for being lazy.”  I know that…but their voices make so much sense to me a lot of the time.  Their reality was the only reality I had for the 22 years before I could get away from them, and it’s only been 5 years since then.  Their reality still has a powerful hold on me, as much as I don’t want it to.

I need a therapist.  There, I’ve admitted it.  I need someone to help me sort through all this shit because I can’t deal with the competing realities alone.  I told C that I was willing to sit down with her and A and see if that relationship could be salvaged.  Honestly, I’m not terribly hopeful about that, but I’ll at least try.  C was going to email her last week to set up a time.  I see C tomorrow afternoon, so I guess I’ll find out more then.  If I can’t make it work with A, maybe she can at least refer me to someone else so I don’t have to start all over from scratch.  I’m still not entirely sure I’m willing to trust anyone, but I think I have to try.  Because I know I can only carry on the way I am now for a limited time.  I’m treading water in a flash flood.

Unrelated side note: Alabama, where my sisters live, is getting hit by severe tornadoes.  I haven’t been able to reach either of my sisters tonight, and I know that friends have had their homes destroyed.  If you pray or think good thoughts or whatever, could you guys include my sisters?  I love them more than anything else in the world.  And assuming my middle sister is safe, she and her fiance (both cops) will spend the next few weeks digging bodies out of the rubble.  So they could use prayers and good thoughts for that, too.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Whirlwinds All Around

  1. If you are working up the ranks within a campaign then keeping a strong ego and sense of self worth strike me as essential.

    I am glad you are trying to reconnect with A. No matter how it turns out you will be able to tell yourself you made an effort. Trust yourself to make choices within any therapy relationship. I am certain you can advocate for yourself as long as you remember it is your well being that matters, nothing else.

    It stinks being far away from family you love if you think they are in danger. Of course I will think of them and you. Fingers crossed. May everything seem brighter in the morning.

    • Yes, I’ll at least make an effort with A. But honestly I like her dog much more than I like her. I think the dog’s a better therapist.

      Ego strength is a difficult thing for me. It should feel good to have self-confidence…and to some extent, it does. But it also makes me anxious and guilty. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel good about myself, and at any moment someone’s going to come along and knock me back down in the mud where I belong.

  2. I think a lot of people with IBD suffer from fatigue. I know I do. I’ve tried taking a B-12 complex and it doesn’t really seem to help.

    I hope your family is ok! Good thoughts/prayers for them.

    • Thanks for the good thoughts/prayers. My sisters are both okay!

      Yeah, fatigue does seem to be a common theme for us. I’ve tried B-complex vitamins, iron, vitamin D. My labs come back normal, but the fatigue doesn’t go away. What I can’t figure out is why it’s so much worse sometimes, like now. It makes it hard to plan anything.

      • I’m glad they’re both ok!

        I can imagine. I haven’t found anything that really works besides naps and even then that doesn’t always work. I definitely hate dealing with it with work though. I can’t take naps in the middle of the day 😦

  3. Sunshine

    Congrats for being human! If you feel like crying, go ahead..the body needs it sometimes even for no reason but to empty the jar. Hugs ❤

  4. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so frustrated! It’s so hard to overcome the fatigue, but know that your pain is real. I think you’re taking the right steps talking to someone about it! I’ll be keeping you and your sisters in my prayers. I hope you hear from them soon

    • Thanks. Sisters are okay!

      The fatigue is the second-worst thing about having UC. (Flare-ups, of course, and number one.) I used to have so much energy. I could work campaigns, I practiced martial arts three times a week, I cooked, I went out with friends. Now, I’m doing good if I can stay awake for 6 consecutive hours. Some days, I can’t even stand up long enough to cook a pot of rice. I’m 27, but I feel like I’m 107. I hate it.

  5. I think it is important to be needed, there was a time where I was convinced only my nephew dog who had epilepsy needed me; but it was enough to keep me around for awhile and to feel special, he liked me best and I was best at watching him. The self confidence helps too.
    As for the therapist idea, I think it is good to have one and if it’s A or someone new at least you will have someone to talk things through with.

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