I don’t really know where I am lately, psychologically speaking.  I’m out of touch with myself/selves.  The voices aren’t very present most of the time since the suicide attempt, except when I debate what to do about therapy/treatment.  Most of the time I just feel dull.  Not the dissociative numbness I’m used to where I know I’m feeling things, just from a very long way away.  This is just…flat, empty.

I’m not motivated to do anything.  I haven’t been writing or making art or listening to music.  I haven’t even been knitting, which is very unusual for me.  I lie in bed with Law & Order playing on Netflix, but I don’t think I could tell you the plot of any of the episodes.  For some reason, it helps to have the picture and the noise to occupy my brain, even though I’m not really paying attention.  (Don’t ask me how that makes any sense.  I’m as lost as you are.)  I play solitaire on my phone just to have something to do with my hands.  You’d think I’d want to knit so at least I’d be producing something, but I don’t.  I’m not opposed to it; I just don’t care.

If I could, I’d just sleep all the time.  I’m not even talking the suicidal “I want to sleep forever” stuff.  I just feel safest in bed with the covers wrapped around my shoulders and tucked up to my chin.  It’s like I almost don’t exist under there, nothing but my face.  It’s soft and warm, and nothing else in my world is right now.

But I can’t even sleep.  Not very well, anyway.  I think I’m almost asleep, but then I turn over and I’m awake again.  Then I wake up several times during the night.  Then I’m up early in the morning because my colon is screaming at me, and then I can’t get back to sleep.  My sleep meds aren’t helping.  Even Benadryl isn’t helping, and that almost always knocks me out.  I just want to sleep.

I haven’t even been terribly motivated to do political stuff.  I have to drag myself.  I went to a phone bank this week, and I spent 5 hours canvassing today.  And I do well at those things, and I enjoy being trusted with authority and responsibility.  But I’m just tired and unmotivated and unexcited.  I’d rather be curled up in bed.

I don’t understand what’s going on.  I have this intuitive sense that something’s going on with my parts just outside my awareness, but I don’t know what.  I should probably be worried, but I’m not, really.  I should be trying to communicate with them and find out what’s going on, but I just don’t have the motivation.  I can’t make me care enough.  I mean, everything is flat–at least I’m not anxious, at least I’m not depressed, at least nothing hurts.  I’m worried if I start digging, there could be another suicide attempt.  And being here isn’t really so terrible.

But it isn’t where I want to be, either.



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8 responses to “Disconnected

  1. It sounds a lot like that apathetic kind of depression to me, but we all have different names for our experiences. I hope it lifts for you soon.

    • It probably is depression. Remarkably, it’s only in the past several years that I realized that my apathetic/not interested in anything times were also depression. I’m so much more used to the acute, painful, gut-wrenchingly suicidal form of depression that it never occurred to me that anything less than that actually counted as depression too.

      But I hope this lifts soon too.

  2. For your situation, it doesn’t sound too bad. Sorry if that is unfeeling – I’m sure it’s very uncomfortable. IMO definitely no digging around. Maybe your body is trying to protect you with this lassitude, to give you a chance to recuperate and regroup. Our bodies / spirits can be wise that way.

    • Nope, not unfeeling–I tend to agree, it’s a lot better than things could be. It could be that the tiredness and apathy are some unconscious form of self-protection. I hadn’t thought of that, but it makes sense.

  3. Wish you felt better. Glad you did manage to do some canvassing. The flatness and lack of motivation, that is no fun.

  4. Dear Hope, Might i offer a different view? Adderall can knock loops out of the system and leave you with a gut wrenching lassitude. I am NOT saying stop taking it. Not at all,.I completely understand your taking it, for whatever the reason. I take Ritalin daily for narcolepsy and so have no judgmental feelings about Adderall or Ritalin whatsoever. Only about the doctors who start young kids on these meds without thinking about what they are doing.

    That said, now that you take Adderall, you need to know that you may be pushing your body/mind/brain beyond its limits, artificially. I know it can feel good to use the drug to get up to speed (no pun intended) when you feel blah, But sometimes you do need a drug holiday, a time to let it wash out of your system simply to let the neurotransmitters rebuild themselves and reboot your system, if you’ll permit the computer analogy. You can’t keep pushing your brain/body with stimulants…not without consequences,. and I think this lassitude/depressed feeling is telling you that you need to take a rest from the drug and perhaps from all the activity that requires the drug to get it done.

    That may be harder to do than I can imagine. All my life i have been able to do whatever I wanted on my own schedule. But that’s my sense of things. There is only so much you can push and pull out of your brain/body with the help of Adderall before it starts to fight back, complain, and say, Wait a minute, I’m worn out, I’m tired, I just want to lie back and watch mindless episodes of TV and let myself regenerate some energy.

    Give yourself some kindness and a break. Don’t worry about why you feel as you do…Just let yourself be and be good to yourself. Please. This too will pass, Feelings do and states of energy come and go, if you don’t panic. I wish you well, and though I am not a praying person, I heard your plea about your sisters and the fiancé and I will definitely be thinking good thoughts on their behalf as the days go on. Good luck to them and to you.

    By the way, thank you for commenting on my most recent Wagblog post It was very important to me and but it did not get many readers, and I appreciate the time you took to read and write something!

    • I don’t take the Adderall on a daily basis. Not even weekly, most of the time. Like you, I use it to treat a sleep disorder. I have a circadian rhythm disorder, so I take Adderall occasionally when I really need to be able to stay awake all day.

      I also deal with severe chronic fatigue due to my ulcerative colitis and the drugs I have to take to treat it. I’m on chemo drugs and immunosuppressants, and those take a lot out of you. There are days when I am physically incapable of standing up long enough to make myself food. Again, the stimulants come in handy when I’m having a really bad day with fatigue.

      But I don’t take them on any sort of a regular basis. I do a lot of my work from home, so I can adjust my schedule around my symptoms. I only use stimulants when I really need them.

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