I’m SO FRUSTRATED with this new case manager, S.  She’s nice, but…completely useless.

Every time we meet, she basically tells me I’m fine.  Apparently, as long as I get out of bed, then my mental health is A-OK.  I feel like she’s basically saying, “So, like, why are you even getting services?  You don’t seem crazy to me.”

I guess some of that is her fault.  I mean, I haven’t told her I tried to kill myself a week ago.  But why would I?  I’ve only just met her.  I don’t know her yet, and I certainly don’t trust her.  She doesn’t seem to get that.  She just takes everything at a surface level, and that doesn’t make me feel like she’s someone I even could trust with below-the-surface stuff.

Never mind that I know about 500 times more about mental illness than she does.  She didn’t know what “treatment resistant” meant, for god’s sake.  I mean, doesn’t the term pretty much define itself?  She’s like, “What, you mean like you won’t take your meds?”  She didn’t know what DBT was, either.  I had to explain it to her.  How does anyone who’s worked in psych for more than 5 minutes not know what DBT is?

And clearly she hasn’t read my history at all.  I’ve told her that my diagnoses are major depression, complex PTSD, and DID, but she insists on saying my diagnosis is borderline.  Nope, lady, and it hasn’t been for at least 4 years.  She keeps asking all these questions about my family that I know for a fact are explained in the files my last program sent them.  ZERO sensitivity around the fact that my family is the source of most of my trauma–she just expects me to discuss it offhand.  Today, sitting out in public, she starts asking me what it was like to grow up with a cop for a father.

I mean, what the hell was I gonna say?  “Well, I thought I was hot shit when he took me to school in his patrol car because it impressed all the other kids.  But then at night he’d rape me, threaten to kill me, threaten to kill my sister, make me watch him rape my sister, make me watch him shoot animals, make me participate in animal abuse, and sell me to other men for sex”?

So I just changed the subject, started talking about use of force complaints dropping drastically when one California town made all its officers wear video recorders.  It wasn’t even a skillful deflection, but she did not notice at all.  ‘Cause, you know, I’m totally fine because  I got out of bed, got dressed, and put my hair up.

So now I’m left feeling tense and raw, with memories right at the surface that I didn’t want to have to deal with.  I’ve been having nightmares since the suicide attempt, and I’ve got a feeling tonight’s are going to be even worse.

This just really sucks.

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12 Comments

April 24, 2014 · 11:47 pm

12 responses to “

  1. I was going to comment on your posts about the suicide attempt but I couldn’t think of the right thing to say out of the blue with how I don’t comment here regularly. Then it felt like the moment had passed. But I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time, I know how it feels to be scared to go to sleep, it’s not nice. It does get easier though, I can’t promise better – I’ve not got there yet – but easier will happen eventually if you keep going.

    • I understand–I don’t often comment on other people’s blogs because I want to say something that will help, but I don’t even know what to say and all my words feel meaningless. I do appreciate your support.

  2. kat

    im so sorry about your oblivious, blithe, green case manager. mine is none of those things, and yet is still worthless. i think its actually just a job whose goal is to do nothing. my case manager called today to say my psych appt tomorrow is cancelled and cant be rescheduled for 3 weeks, and wanted to know ‘was that ok’?!! of course i said, no its not really ok to wait another 3 weeks for discussion about changing my meds. ‘oh. well, i really cant get you in til then. so, its ok, right’?? oh, i got it now–i said to her the magic words ‘sure, its just fine’.

    • Ugh, I hate shit like that. Just don’t ask if it’s okay if the answer isn’t going to mean a damn thing. I’m sorry. That’s a really shitty situation.

  3. That sucks your CM is so…young? young-sounding? not doing her research? not mental-health minded? I don’t know, one of those. No good advice there, other than maybe she’ll get replaced by someone better. And, yes, it is good to be able to get up in the morning, get out of bed, and put your hair up, but it doesn’t mean you’re fine. I wonder if maybe you’re giving her the impression you’re fine on purpose, a bit subconsciously, because you don’t want to let her in and don’t trust her. I know you don’t want to do therapy at the center, but maybe they have someone skillful with your particular diagnosis that you could just do a brief interaction with and see if it works out? I’ll stop suggesting now. Just hang in there!

    • That sucks your CM is so…young? young-sounding? not doing her research? not mental-health minded? I don’t know, one of those.
      All of the above, really. I hope she gets replaced, but I don’t know how the turnover rates are at SN.

      To some extent, yeah, I’m acting okay. I don’t know her, I don’t trust her, and I don’t want to end up hospitalized because the 12-year-old CM overreacts to something. Also, we always meet out in public places because she doesn’t have her own office, and that’s really uncomfortable to me. I mean, it’s a community outreach program, but I don’t really feel like discussing my trauma history on a public sidewalk, you know?

      And honestly I feel like any vaguely competent psych person should know that just because someone LOOKS okay doesn’t mean they are. Sometimes how I appear and how I’m doing internally don’t even remotely resemble each other. It wouldn’t bother me so much of she didn’t keep saying I seem okay–I feel like she’s not even trying to know me because she’s already decided I’m fine from the get-go.

      Honestly I doubt I’d be able to trust a therapist connected with SN. They’re just too trigger-happy about hospitalizing people. C wants me to give it another try with A, so I agreed to try. C’s going to try to set up a meeting for the three of us, so…I dunno. Maybe that’ll work…but I’m not feeling terribly hopeful about that relationship either.

      I think I’m just fucking impossible. Maybe it’s my own fault. I just reject everything and everyone, and then I complain about having nobody to talk to. You made your own bed, kid.

      • ~meredith

        Acting is always acting. That’s the frustration with walking the line of “what kind of crazy will get me the most help with the least amount of disturbance?”
        Suicide just sucks. Learning to say, “attempted suicide,” is inhumane because the bullshit line that “these attempts are really just cries for help” is dismissive.
        I also didn’t know what to say when you wrote about your suicide experience because it’s heartbreaking. I read, though. You’re not impossible. Your circumstances may be impossible at this time, but here you are, today. Good! I cheer for you, Hope. Meredith

  4. Oh Hope what an ordeal. I really hope she gets replaced soon. How in the world did she get through school? So very sad.

    It often feels like if you are functioning no one believes it can be DID. We are all supposed to be like those depicted on tv with DID. A little education could go a long ways.

  5. Cat

    OMG I’m going through exactly the same. I totally understand where you’re coming from. Fortunately, I’m transferring services otherwise I might have had to ask for a change.
    It sounds as if yours is very inexperienced and underneath that dumb façade she is probably really nervous. What kind of idiotic question was that about the cop stuff? It sounds like you dealt with her really well. Isn’t there some kind of file she can read to familiarise herself with what’s going on?

  6. My god. I’m guessing there isn’t anyone you can report her to, or complain about the attitude? Do you have to go through this agency, or can C refer you somewhere else? Sorry so many questions. S reminds me of a social worker I’ve been dealing with (for a young person I work with) – just totally incompetent and doesn’t have a clue. It’s so frustrating, I really feel for you. And it shouldn’t be okay. If she’s still in college surely she should have some sort of supervisor who oversees all of this as well. It’s just not okay.

    • Well, theoretically she works with a team, but I’ve only met them once, when they did my intake interview. I’d probably feel too guilty to complain about her because she’s not malicious, just…clueless. There’s no other agency I can go to, unfortunately. SN is the agency that the Department of Mental Health contracts out to in my area. I’d say screw it, I don’t want this “help,” except I’ve basically been told that it’s this or the hospital.

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