I’m SO FRUSTRATED with this new case manager, S. She’s nice, but…completely useless.
Every time we meet, she basically tells me I’m fine. Apparently, as long as I get out of bed, then my mental health is A-OK. I feel like she’s basically saying, “So, like, why are you even getting services? You don’t seem crazy to me.”
I guess some of that is her fault. I mean, I haven’t told her I tried to kill myself a week ago. But why would I? I’ve only just met her. I don’t know her yet, and I certainly don’t trust her. She doesn’t seem to get that. She just takes everything at a surface level, and that doesn’t make me feel like she’s someone I even could trust with below-the-surface stuff.
Never mind that I know about 500 times more about mental illness than she does. She didn’t know what “treatment resistant” meant, for god’s sake. I mean, doesn’t the term pretty much define itself? She’s like, “What, you mean like you won’t take your meds?” She didn’t know what DBT was, either. I had to explain it to her. How does anyone who’s worked in psych for more than 5 minutes not know what DBT is?
And clearly she hasn’t read my history at all. I’ve told her that my diagnoses are major depression, complex PTSD, and DID, but she insists on saying my diagnosis is borderline. Nope, lady, and it hasn’t been for at least 4 years. She keeps asking all these questions about my family that I know for a fact are explained in the files my last program sent them. ZERO sensitivity around the fact that my family is the source of most of my trauma–she just expects me to discuss it offhand. Today, sitting out in public, she starts asking me what it was like to grow up with a cop for a father.
I mean, what the hell was I gonna say? “Well, I thought I was hot shit when he took me to school in his patrol car because it impressed all the other kids. But then at night he’d rape me, threaten to kill me, threaten to kill my sister, make me watch him rape my sister, make me watch him shoot animals, make me participate in animal abuse, and sell me to other men for sex”?
So I just changed the subject, started talking about use of force complaints dropping drastically when one California town made all its officers wear video recorders. It wasn’t even a skillful deflection, but she did not notice at all. ‘Cause, you know, I’m totally fine because I got out of bed, got dressed, and put my hair up.
So now I’m left feeling tense and raw, with memories right at the surface that I didn’t want to have to deal with. I’ve been having nightmares since the suicide attempt, and I’ve got a feeling tonight’s are going to be even worse.
This just really sucks.