I just don’t even know what to do anymore.

I’m still confused as hell about my suicide attempt.  I mean, five minutes before I did it, I would’ve honestly said I was fine.  I feel fine now, but now I don’t know if I can trust it.  I don’t know if I can trust anything that goes on in my head anymore, and that’s a really shitty feeling.

S is really pressuring me to see a therapist in their clinic.  I agreed sort of half-assed.  I really doubt they have anyone who would have any clue how to help me.  I’d scare the fuck out of them.  I mean, this agency (let’s call it SN) is so bad that people who work there make fun of it and talk about how bad it is. 

S is nice enough, but she has no clue.  I mean, she’s maybe 25, probably younger, and she’s in community college.  I don’t have the right to be an educational elitist since I never managed to get a degree, but honestly it doesn’t give me much faith in her ability to be at all helpful.  I’d do just as well sitting at home watching Supernatural on Netflix.  I know way more about the DSM than she does, and she doesn’t understand dissociation AT ALL.  Today she asked me, “Well, but you’re safe now, so why do you still dissociate?”


I even had to give her the super-basic primer on dissociation: “Everyone dissociates, but it happens on a spectrum.  You ever get stuck in a boring meeting and daydream about your next vacation?  Ever arrive at work but not really remember the drive from home?  That’s dissociation.  That’s the normal, functional end of the spectrum.  I’m on the other ass-end of the spectrum.”

“But you seem fine.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much the point of dissociation.  I almost always seem fine unless the shit is hitting the fan.”    I couldn’t tell her I was fine until I dumped two bottles of pills down my throat a few days ago.  I won’t tell any therapist at SN, either.  I’ve been around this block enough times to know that they’d panic and dump me in the psych unit even though I’m fine now (I think).  Literally the only lingering effect is I haven’t pooped since Thursday and hey, my gastroenterologist always said it would be good if we could find a med that made me constipated.  Maybe failed suicide attempts cure UC.

But I do wish there were someone I could trust to help me figure out what the fuck was going on in my head on Thursday.  What’s going on in my head now.  I could go back to see A, maybe, but I don’t think she has enough of a handle on DID to be able to help me either.  And since the respite situation, I stopped trusting her about hospital issues–she would’ve let them toss me in the psych unit even though she knew I have serious hospital trauma issues.  C was the one who saved me from that.  A wouldn’t have.  And if I go back and see her, we’ll have to spend weeks or months mending bridges.  I honestly don’t know if I have time for that.  I mean, how do I know I’m not going to try to kill myself again tomorrow when I wake up?  Or next week?  Or ever?

I can’t trust anyone anymore, not even myself.  Especially not myself.

What the hell am I supposed to do?  I’m really scared.



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24 responses to “Untrusting

  1. kat

    i can tell you are scared. and what you need to do, even though i understand why you are hesitant, is to reach to someone, to anyone, a friend, a professional, or even call the crisis line in your area. you really need someone to see you for who you are, to hear you, and to be there for you—even if they cant ‘fix’ you. But right now, you just need someone whom you know will not abandon you, will stand by you and listen and support you.

    • There is literally no one in real life I can trust not to freak out and hospitalize me. If C were here, I might be able to talk to her, but she’s in India for a month. I don’t have a therapist, my new case manager is about 12 years old, and crisis lines will trace your phone and send the cops on you. (I’ve had that happen before.) I don’t have any friends anymore–friendly acquaintances, sure, from the political work, but no one I could talk to about anything serious like this.

      This blog is the closest thing I have to anyone to talk to. This is all I have right now.

      • Healing Slowly

        Here is a thought, in case you would like to try calling a crisis hotline, without them being able to trace your phone. You can sign up for a free google voice account, and you can pick any phone number you want. You install a plugin on your computer, and then if you have a headset with a microphone, you’re all set to call them, trace-proof.

        Aside from that, I absolutely get the trusting problem. I know that if I did not have my husband in my life these days, I’d be in a very dark place, contemplating doing some very dark, cruel and illegal things to the people who have hurt me. He truly is my saving grace. I can tell him all the dark, cruel and illegal things I’d like to do to the people who have hurt me, and he won’t freak out and send me to some psych ward. The biggest reason for that, is because of the way his family tortured him as a child. He’s had the same thoughts about his family, and he doesn’t think I’m wrong to have them, or that I’m some menace who needs to be locked up.

        I have no idea how to help you, because I’m very much on the normal end of the disassociative spectrum. I’m sure the reason I didn’t end up on the other end of that spectrum, has everything to do with how my brain works, versus how yours does. It irritates me that ‘normal’ people are far too quick to deal with people who think scary and dark things, by putting them in some sort of hospital somewhere under constant medication. Medication doesn’t always solve these issues, and the people who work in those kinds of hospitals rarely feel any empathy for the people they look after there.

        I wish I could do more for you, because I know the fear of not knowing who you can trust, and the worse fear of not knowing if you can even trust yourself.

      • You know, I don’t know why I didn’t think of using Google Voice. I use it sometimes for campaign calls when I want to call from a number with the same area code as the people I’m calling. Gotta love it when the obvious answers just don’t occur to you, huh?

        I’ve actually read studies linking variations in certain brain structures to dissociative symptoms, so it really could be that our brains not only work differently but look different. Of course, those studies can’t prove whether the differences in brain structure cause dissociation or whether dissociation causes differences in brain structure. And really, the studies were not large enough to definitively prove the link anyhow. Still, it’s interesting. (Or I’m a nerd who thinks brain things are more interesting than most people do. That’s a distinct possibility too.)

        My experience is that, yeah, a lot of people who work in psych hospitals and psych units don’t have a lot of empathy. At least not on general psych units. A lot of times they see symptoms instead of people, or they just see all their patients as problems. I know seeing the symptoms of mental illness can be scary and/or painful, and people tend to deal with that by emotionally withdrawing. But I think it would be better for everyone, staff included, if instead of withdrawing, they reached out more and tried to connect with people. But often they’re so underfunded and understaffed that they literally don’t have time. It’s a fucked up system. There are exceptions, of course…I just wish they were the rule instead of the exception.

  2. Trauma Response Syndrome

    Hello, I am very saddened by your post today. Mainly, because of the lack of understanding of the impact of trauma, trauma responses (especially dissociation) and how to help people who are still actively dissociating. Also, because I know that qualified trauma therapists are so rare it’s disturbing. As a therapist and a trauma survivor (with previous severe dissociation), I can relate to your frustration. The system is broken. You are not alone. The beautiful technology that brings us all together allows me to offer support through the internet ❤

    • Thank you.

      It really is frustrating that it’s so hard to find people who get it. I’ve had a couple good therapists in the past, but now I can’t seem to find any–I’ve been through 5 in the past 3 years. I mean, I’ve been told that upward of 1% of the US population deals with complex dissociative disorders, which is roughly equivalent to the percentage of people diagnosed with schizophrenia. There’s still plenty of stigma attached to schizophrenia, but clinicians know what it is, believe it exists, and are knowledgeable about how to treat it. But those of us with DID are pretty much shit outta luck in a lot of cases.

  3. Question…and a pushy one— Which is better, a) goining it alone while you are scared and do not trust yourself or b) going to a “professional” even though they are not the greatest?

    I agree with you that there are mental health professionals who appear (are) clueless. We are experts compared to them because we have lived stuff and they have not. Yet sometimes you just can not go it alone. If you do go to a therapist I think you should be honest about why you do not trust the profession in general. You want help, but you do not want involuntary treatment. You need to be respected.

    • Honestly, I’ve found that it’s usually better to have no treatment than to have useless or harmful treatment. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know for me it’s better to be alone by myself than alone with someone else–and I definitely don’t want to PAY someone to make me feel alone.

      If there were some way to guarantee that whatever therapist I would see would be good, I’d go. But there’s no way to guarantee that. At this point, I feel like another therapy FUBAR would just totally break me, which is something I cannot afford at this point.

      As much as I mistrust myself, I mistrust other people even more.

      • Once again your writing shows you have thought it through. It stinks that you live where there is a lack of good mental health referral systems.

  4. happilydpressed

    When you get like that, have an episode, you should have someone to call. Leave an emergency contact in your head. Someone, anyone, to turn too. Even the suicide hotline. Someone for that one moment just to talk you down until your okay again.

    • I should, but the simple fact is that I don’t. I will never again call a hotline because they will trace your phone and send the cops after you. I’ve had it happen before, and it was extremely traumatic on several levels. I will never repeat that mistake.

      Basically, at this point, I’m not willing to speak openly with anyone who’s likely to hospitalize me, and that’s pretty much everyone.

      • happilydpressed

        So email me….I’ll talk you through it. I’ll try my best just keep your mind off of it. I know how hard it is. And the only fact I’ve stopped trying is because when I look into my sisters eyes I know how much it will hurt her

      • happilydpressed

        I’m usually up and always have my phone

  5. Gel

    Hi Hope,
    I’m new to your blog and so just getting to know you.

    I will read more before commenting on your situation.

    But I want to say that the way you described dissociation helped me to understand it for the first time. I really appreciate your writing style. I can hear you talk (to me) through your writing. I look forward to reading more.

    In the mean time, I feel for you , for the difficulty you are going through. Keep writing.

    love, Gel

    • Gel

      In regards to your words: “I can’t trust anyone anymore, not even myself. Especially not myself.”

      I want you to be safe.
      At the same time, I would challenge the idea that you cannot trust yourself. Isn’t there some deep knowing in yourself (you seem really smart) that you CAN trust? even if you lose touch with that part sometimes?

      With love,

      • There are certainly times I have trusted myself. Generally I trust myself more than I trust anyone outside, but even that’s been difficult for me. Over the past several years, I’d been learning to trust my own internal knowledge and intuition more.

        But this attempt just really threw me as far as trusting myself. I suspect there was an alter involved, but I don’t know that. I don’t have any internal communication happening at this point, either, so that’s…less than ideal. I mean, if I don’t know what part of me did it and why and what led up to it, how can I trust any of myself not to do it again? It’s like if I were blindfolded in a room with 20 people, and somebody hit me–even after they took the blindfold off, I wouldn’t know who did it, so I wouldn’t be able to trust any of them.

    • Thanks. I’m glad what I write makes sense to you. Half the time I feel like I’m completely incoherent, so it’s a nice reality check to know that’s not in fact the case. I appreciate the support, too.

  6. I really hear you on not trusting the MH system. It’s sad, but it’s really pot luck out there, and you have not been lucky. The ‘child’ therapist sounds like she didn’t even read the chapter on dissociation in Psych 101. And being pumped full of meds – not necessarily helpful. It’s like you need simple human kindness and understanding, and that seems impossible to find.

    I am not talking with experience on being actively suicidal, so it could be I don’t know much. BTW. Just somehow, I feel we do have common ground.

    It does sound like a very dissociated part is suicidal, since you don’t seem to feel that way. Is there any way you can start a bit of a dialogue with that part, so that she feels a bit heard?

    Could you reach out to a T, or anyone, without discussing the attempt? I think you have lots to discuss apart from that! Then at least you might get the feeling of some support and human contact, without the dangers of hospitalization. I went to a psych for a few years whom I never told much about my past. In a way, he was useless – I didn’t make much progress. He never diagnosed PTSD or dissociation. In another way, he provided enough support that I was able to start working and functioning more normally, which led to my being able to pay and choose my own T. Any support may be useful, even if it’s not at the level you actually need.

    I wish I could offer you my T – he listens, and he does not freak out or medicate. Perhaps you need to make it through this bad time, and then you will eventually find good help.

    Sending healing wishes to you.

    • I suppose I could talk to someone without talking about the attempt. It’s just so present in my mind–I can’t stop worrying that if I can’t figure out what happened and why, it’ll happen again with no warning. And then it might actually succeed. I don’t want that, and I can’t get it off of my mind. To talk to a therapist (or therapist-type person) without talking about that would feel wrong to me, both practically and morally. You know?

      And I think I want to talk about it. I mean, god knows I’ve gone on about it enough here. I want somebody to help me figure out what happened and how to keep it from happening again. The problem is that me–or some of me, it feels like me but not quite, like someone else partially overlapping with me–does not want to trust. There’s a LOT of anger there: “Fuck trust, fuck all these people, they just want to lock me up and fuck that. Trust is for idiots, and I’m sick of convincing myself that this one’s gonna work out, and then they always fuck me over in the end. So fuck all of them.” Enough of that is overlapping with my feelings–and/or resonating with my feelings–that I’m immobilized by the ambivalence. I’m being pulled equally in the directions of Tell and Don’t Tell, so I end up going nowhere.

      As far as communication, nothing direct is happening at this point. I get things that bleed over from other parts, mostly the strongest feelings, but no one is actually talking to me. So…yeah, I don’t know where to go with that.

  7. Swimmer

    Do you know the Trauma Center at Justice Resource Institute?
    They only do residential up to age 22 but they have other services. They list a clinic in Acton.
    Have you ever listened to this

    He is incredibly smart, knows dissociation, but is humanizing…if that’s a word.
    There is a way. I’m sorry it hurts so much right now.

    • I know of it, but it’s clear on the other end of the state from me. Even Acton is over an hour and a half drive from where I live, and I don’t have a car. So it’s pretty much out of my reach. I do know Van Der Kolk’s work, though, and he does know what he’s doing.

  8. I just wanted to tell you that i understand. I empathize with you and you’re in my thoughts and in my prayers. You’re not alone, even if you feel that way so many times. You touched my heart and, even if i don’t have any advise, i want you to know that i care.
    Thank you for visiting my blog and for following. And for giving me the opportunity to learn more about you. I wish that the positive energy and the words of kindness from all of your readers could create a shelter, for you to be safe.

  9. “But you seem fine”? Are you effing kidding me? Where do they find these people?!

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