Thursday night, I tried to kill myself.

I don’t really know why.  What pushed me over the edge was money problems–I owe a lot of money to the power company, and our oil tank needs to be refilled if we’re going to have hot water–and I’m terrified my roommates hate me now because I fuck everything up.  I wanted to call somebody for support, C probably, but I was too ashamed of how I fucked up again.

I just couldn’t live with being such a fuck-up anymore.

So I attempted.  Obviously, it wasn’t successful, and there don’t seem to be any bad long-term effects on my body.

But psychologically…I’m a mess.  I desperately want to tell somebody, but I’m too afraid.  I’m pathologically terrified of being hospitalized again.  I’m terrified of losing my independence.  I’m terrified that people will lose their respect for me.  I’m terrified I’ll lose my ability to function.  I’m terrified that I’ll lose my ability to be politically active, which is pretty much all I have to hang onto anymore.

I don’t want to be alone with this, and I am.

I should be working through this.  I should be figuring out how I went from okay to suicidal in literally 30 seconds.  I should be apologizing to my roommates for fucking up and trying to make amends.

I’m not actively suicidal right now, but I’m not really okay, either.  And I can’t imagine how I will ever be okay.  There’s never going to be enough money for the things I need.  I’m never going to have the level of support I think I need.  I’m never going to stop being ashamed of my needs.

I want someone to hug me and tell me it’s okay, they’ll take care of me and I don’t need to worry about anything.  But that’s never going to happen.

So what the hell do I do now?



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19 responses to “confession

  1. Owl

    My heart really goes out to you right now. We’re going through a bankruptcy and I’ve got a mouth full of broken teeth — and I’ve been low, low enough to seriously think and plan for suicide. So I hear you, I hear you, and I want you to know that I care, if that helps at all. I’m so sorry you’re not getting the support you need. I wish I had answers for you. I wish I had something to offer, I really do. Please feel free to reach to me out at any time, if talking to someone would help. I hope you find someone you can confide in who will help you through this.

    • Thank you. I don’t really have words right now, but thank you. It helps to know that someone hears me. In my “real life” I feel like no one does. If I’m honest, they’ll lock me up. If I hide it, then I’m alone with it. I feel like I can’t win.

    • Thank you. I don’t really have words right now, but thank you. It helps to know that someone hears me. In my “real life” I feel like no one does. If I’m honest, they’ll lock me up. If I hide it, then I’m alone with it. I feel like I can’t win.

  2. I am sorry you felt so desperate, that you have so much to deal with and so many fears. May you find some one trust worthy.

  3. Dear Hope, all I can do is send loving thoughts to you right now. May you find your path and the unique gifts only you can offer to the world.

  4. I am so sorry. Sending healing wishes to you.

  5. I can relate to so much of what you write here. i have never gotten to the point of an actual suicide attempt, but I have come closer than I like to admit. And I never reach out at that point because of the same reasons you list here. It is being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I, for one, am so grateful that you didn’t succeed. This give you time to set up more support before you reach that point. I wish I had an answer as to what that support actually is, I’m still working on my own. But one day at a time, one hour at a time, one second at a time. Know that you have many people in this blogging world that are supporting you and trying to help you pull through this. hugs my dear. the biggest, warmest hug you can imagine.

    • It is a lot like being stuck between the rock and the hard place. I feel like there’s no way out of this. I have to hide it so I don’t get hospitalized again, but that leaves me completely alone with it. I don’t know how to set up any more support because I don’t trust anyone at this point. It’s my own fault. It always is.

  6. Mandy

    I’m so sorry. I wish I could help. Feeling so terrified, so ashamed of what feels out of your control I’d daunting. I hope you will reach out to someone. C? I hope you’ll feel better tomorrow. ((Hug))

    • If anyone, it’ll be C. But I probably won’t because I don’t want to hurt her, don’t want to cause her more stress. She’s supposed to be phasing out of my life. I’m supposed to be getting less dependent. And the new people, they just want to hospitalize people. No understanding of the further trauma that causes. And I couldn’t even begin to explain why to them.

  7. So sorry you go through this. We definitely relate. Weve been there before aswell 😦

    Sending hugs

  8. You survived honey, so for whatever reason you are meant to be here. Don’t ask me why, I haven’t figured out my own reason for existence unless it’s to fall into severe poverty, develop a nice hump, watch my tits hit my knees, then die of cat hair inhalation.
    If it’s any consolation I have lost the worrying about what my (ex) peer group think, everyones a bit fucked up as far as I’m concerned, and at least we’re smart and brave enough to acknowledge and admit it.
    Perhaps today is your new beginning, keep moving, keep hope in your heart, good nourishing food in your kitchen and never be too far away from your tea/coffee pot xx

  9. I’m sending you love and hugs for your recovery. I have been there too. We all mess up and crash hard sometimes, and how other people react can make it a lot worse. I’m so proud of you for talking about it here. Use your blog to purge all the gritty details until you feel better.
    If you were someone else, how would you treat you while you are recovering? Be that kind and considerate to yourself, because you are wonderful and worth it.

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