Random Post Is Random

Randomness, bullet point edition.

–I got a slot as one of the disability add-on delegates to the state Democratic convention.  I’m pretty effing excited about that.  Full voting rights!

–They’re probably also going to make me a whip.  This probably sounds cooler and/or more sadomasochistic than it actually is.  Basically I’d just be responsible for a group of about 20-30 delegates.  Make sure they all get to roll call in the morning or they won’t be eligible to vote all day, and make sure they pay attention and vote when they’re called to vote.  But hey, I’d get to order people around.  I love authority when I’m the one wielding it (but pretty much no other time).

–My regional field director apparently think I represent all disabled people and wants me to do persuasion calls to all the disabled delegates.  This conversation was problematic on pretty much every imaginable level, and it will probably be its own post later on.

–I kind of want somebody to tell me I need to find a new therapist.  Of course, I’m not sure that would actually make me do anything about it–reference previous statement about only liking authority when I’m the one wielding it.  But I feel incapable of making a decision either for or against therapy, and I hate sitting on the fence.

–I think what I really want re: therapy is to not have to do the work of finding the therapist and then be a jerk to them for a while to get the aggression out of my system and make them win my trust.  Which makes me pretty much an asshole.

–I can’t remember if I mentioned that I finally got the results back from the biopsies they took during my colonoscopy.  Mild-moderate inflammation, which is a significant improvement.  Not remission, of course, since my body is a jerk, but definitely improvement from this time last year, which was when I was first getting really sick.  GI doc is trying to taper me off Entocort again.  I hope it works but remain skeptical–the last time we tried that, I ended up in the ER on morphine.

–I don’t know what the fuck my body is up to in general.  I’m having a LOT of muscle and joint pain, but only on the left side of my body.  I swear every joint on my left side hurts.  There’s the old lower back and SI joint pain, but my neck and shoulder have been hurting like hell for the last 6 or 8 weeks–I can’t even lift my arm all the way above my head right now without wanting to cry.  My knee and ankle hurt if I’m on my feet for more than about half an hour.  And the last two weeks, my wrist is hurting too.  At first I thought I’d just slept on it funny, but it hasn’t gone away.  It’s bad enough that I’ve started wearing my wrist brace again.  I’ve never heard of somebody having pain on just one side of their body.  I don’t know if it’s something medical I should be worried about or a trauma/PTSD/DID thing I need to deal with.  Either way, I’m not really dealing with it.  If I went to a medical doctor, they’d write it off as a case of the crazies because who only hurts on their left side?  But it’s not like I have a therapist to help me if it actually is psychosomatic.  So whatever.  I’m just in pain.

–I haven’t had any more panic attacks this weekend, but my baseline anxiety level has been higher than it’s been in a while.  It still bugs the hell out of me that I don’t know what I’m anxious about.  How am I supposed to deal with it when I don’t even know what it is?

–I feel like I should apologize for posting here so much, but I’m trying to resist that urge.  I feel really lonely and disconnected, and I think I’ve been posting a lot because I want to feel connected to someone, even if it’s just via the internet.  It’s hard not having the real-life support I used to have.



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6 responses to “Random Post Is Random

  1. kat

    well it ok you write alot here, you do have friends and support here. and if someone needs to tell you, then ill volunteer to be the one, ‘you really should look into getting a new therapist’. you already know that, of course, but as you pointed out, sometimes it needs to come from the outside. hope that helps! also, like you said, real time support counts for a lot, so a therapist would help with the anxiety, and maybe with the weird one sided body pain. i would definitely have that checked out medically–like say with a xray, cat scan, mri, or whatever just to make sure. also, maybe its some kind of weird stroke or fibromyalgia symptom. better to know if its not life threatening and is just really darn annoying instead. anyhow, whatever you do, best of luck and hope you feel better.

  2. You are in charge of you. Anxiety feeds off itself, and the pain can also. A good family doc will look at you as a whole person.

    Congrats on being a state convention delegate, and likely whip.

  3. Yay for the convention delegation! I will also volunteer to tell you I think you should find a new therapist. I know you wrote before that part of you didn’t want to be dependent on one, but if you’re questioning it even a little bit, now is not that time. And also, I think therapy is never really over. Sometimes you get to take a break and other times you still have to revisit stuff… that’s just been my experience. And it’s ok to have that.
    I’m glad your scope came back good- today has been a bad day for my IBD- if i could have walked into the hospital tonight and gotten an ostomy I would have.
    The body pain could have a lot of causes- it could be related to the IBD, the anxiety or trauma, or something completely different. I’ve had chronic neck pain for nearly 10 years and finally figured out that it flares whenever I am anxious or angry. But I’d also recommend and internist if you don’t already have a regular MD you trust. Especially with your IBD. For me, she was better at seeing the whole body picture and not just the part that was bothering me.
    I know I just found your blog but don’t feel bad about posting. That’s why we blog right? Because we have stuff to say… it’s not for anyone else. Post away! I’ve enjoyed reading it and finding someone else I can relate to!

  4. It sounds like, overall, you have a lot to celebrate! Bossing people around, is fun, yes, in certain circumstances. 😀 It sounds like your health is up and down, but maybe improving overall? And of course, I could say, “Hope, go get yourself a durned therapist!” but that doesn’t really get you anywhere. Do I think therapy is helpful? Yes, it has been for me. Would you benefit? Maybe. It just depends what you want to put into it. Wishing you all the best, Rose

  5. The convention gig sounds really exciting! It’s great when you get to feel like you’re making a difference.

    I agree with everyone who says you should get a new therapist. You have to put so much into recovery it’s important that you have someone guiding you who can help to make sure all that effort does you the most amount of good. That person doesn’t always have to be a therapist, but if you’re looking for someone a therapist is as good a place to start as any.

  6. Hope, I am so glad the results were good. Well semi good. Thats awesome news. I am thinking of you and hoping you do get a new therapist soon, it sounds like you really could use one. Bite the bullet and make a few calls, or send a couple emails. It will probably be worth it, there are good t’s out there just waiting to be snatched up! Hugs! Carol anne

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