Randomness, bullet point edition.
–I got a slot as one of the disability add-on delegates to the state Democratic convention. I’m pretty effing excited about that. Full voting rights!
–They’re probably also going to make me a whip. This probably sounds cooler and/or more sadomasochistic than it actually is. Basically I’d just be responsible for a group of about 20-30 delegates. Make sure they all get to roll call in the morning or they won’t be eligible to vote all day, and make sure they pay attention and vote when they’re called to vote. But hey, I’d get to order people around. I love authority when I’m the one wielding it (but pretty much no other time).
–My regional field director apparently think I represent all disabled people and wants me to do persuasion calls to all the disabled delegates. This conversation was problematic on pretty much every imaginable level, and it will probably be its own post later on.
–I kind of want somebody to tell me I need to find a new therapist. Of course, I’m not sure that would actually make me do anything about it–reference previous statement about only liking authority when I’m the one wielding it. But I feel incapable of making a decision either for or against therapy, and I hate sitting on the fence.
–I think what I really want re: therapy is to not have to do the work of finding the therapist and then be a jerk to them for a while to get the aggression out of my system and make them win my trust. Which makes me pretty much an asshole.
–I can’t remember if I mentioned that I finally got the results back from the biopsies they took during my colonoscopy. Mild-moderate inflammation, which is a significant improvement. Not remission, of course, since my body is a jerk, but definitely improvement from this time last year, which was when I was first getting really sick. GI doc is trying to taper me off Entocort again. I hope it works but remain skeptical–the last time we tried that, I ended up in the ER on morphine.
–I don’t know what the fuck my body is up to in general. I’m having a LOT of muscle and joint pain, but only on the left side of my body. I swear every joint on my left side hurts. There’s the old lower back and SI joint pain, but my neck and shoulder have been hurting like hell for the last 6 or 8 weeks–I can’t even lift my arm all the way above my head right now without wanting to cry. My knee and ankle hurt if I’m on my feet for more than about half an hour. And the last two weeks, my wrist is hurting too. At first I thought I’d just slept on it funny, but it hasn’t gone away. It’s bad enough that I’ve started wearing my wrist brace again. I’ve never heard of somebody having pain on just one side of their body. I don’t know if it’s something medical I should be worried about or a trauma/PTSD/DID thing I need to deal with. Either way, I’m not really dealing with it. If I went to a medical doctor, they’d write it off as a case of the crazies because who only hurts on their left side? But it’s not like I have a therapist to help me if it actually is psychosomatic. So whatever. I’m just in pain.
–I haven’t had any more panic attacks this weekend, but my baseline anxiety level has been higher than it’s been in a while. It still bugs the hell out of me that I don’t know what I’m anxious about. How am I supposed to deal with it when I don’t even know what it is?
–I feel like I should apologize for posting here so much, but I’m trying to resist that urge. I feel really lonely and disconnected, and I think I’ve been posting a lot because I want to feel connected to someone, even if it’s just via the internet. It’s hard not having the real-life support I used to have.