Last night I dreamed that I walked into a big theater, and a woman told me I was going to dance the part of the Sugarplum Fairy in “The Nutcracker.” This wasn’t one of those “oh god, I’m horribly unprepared” stage fright dreams–I was excited. I’ve always wanted to dance, but I never got to learn. (I got kicked out of ballet when I was 5 for being too hyper and disruptive.) The woman told me it would be easy, she’d teach me.
She started doing my make-up, pink and green. I was so happy. I could hear the music starting to play. I’d never danced before, but somehow I knew I’d do it perfectly.
Then the woman just melted away into a pool of water. I thought maybe I could bring her back, but I didn’t know where to begin. How do you turn water back into a woman? The music stopped. The dancing stopped. Everything stopped. She was in charge, and they couldn’t do the show without her. And everyone was looking at me. I didn’t know if they thought I’d made her disappear, if they were angry at me, if they expected me to bring her back, or what they thought. They all just stood there, watching me, and I didn’t know what to do.
The dream’s been nagging at me all day. It feels horrible–like a loss, like grief. My instinctual interpretation is that this is about my relationships and trust. I think someone has something to offer me to make my life better, changes start to happen, and then…nothing. They’re just a puddle of water. The trust that holds the relationship together melts, and then there’s nothing left. I want to fix it, to put the relationship back the way it was, but I have no idea how. It’s all dissolved; there’s nothing left of substance. I’m left alone and empty-handed and unfulfilled.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. I wish my dreams would give me metaphors for where I go from here instead of just reflecting that I feel alone and untrusting. I already understood those feelings; I don’t need metaphors to clarify them. What I need is a way to turn the water back into a person, into a relationship, into trust. But I guess even my subconscious mind doesn’t have answers about where I go from here. There’s no answer and no comfort.
Of course, I also dreamed that SCOTUS struck down the buffer zone law in a 5-4 ruling. Let’s hope that’s not a prophetic dream.