I’ve been trying to post this for three and a half hours, but WordPress and Firefox aren’t playing nice. Every time I try to post, it gets stuck saving and won’t let me publish the post. Anyone know how to fix that? For the moment I’m posting from my phone, but that’s annoying as hell.
I’m feeling very sad and alone today. Roommates are gone for the weekend, which is nice, and my weekend is going to be crazy. Saturday morning, I’m collecting signatures for my AG candidate, and in the afternoon, I’ll be collecting signatures for my gubernatorial candidate, who will be in town. Sunday morning I’m collecting signatures for my AG candidate again, and in the afternoon I’m going to a house meeting about a NARAL initiative in Massachusetts. I’m going to be exhausted…but it’ll give me a respite from the crap in my head.
I’m still on the fence about what to do about the therapist situation. Part of me wants to go without one for a while—to see how I do, to prove to myself I won’t fall apart without one. Also because it’s just too exhausting to keep starting over. Even the idea of looking makes us want to go back to bed and burrow under the covers where it’s safe and warm. There’s some merit to the idea of at least seeing if we can do okay without a therapist because maybe then we won’t be so terrified that we’re dependent on them.
On the other hand, if things do get bad, then we’ll be trying to do the therapist search in the midst of a crisis, which probably wouldn’t go so well. That could be disastrous, especially since S and her agency seem really gung-ho about hospitalizing people. S has been a little pushy about getting me to see a therapist connected with her agency, and I guess we could give that a try. We could at least ask if they have anyone who works with DID. But I’m a little concerned that they would insist I keep seeing their therapist, even if it wasn’t a good fit, just because they’d be connected with the same agency. That’s a fight we don’t need.
I could try looking for a new therapist on my own, I guess. I found a few online who say they treat dissociative disorders, though I don’t know if that includes full blown DID. But phone calls fucking TERRIFY me. I never know what to say, and I trip all over my words, and I end up feeling like such a fuck-up that I want to cut. I think it’s that I don’t know the proper protocol or etiquette for calling a potential therapist for the first time. How much do I say? Do I just ask if they take my insurance and if they’ve worked with DID patients before, or should I ask about their treatment approach, philosophy, availability, etc.? How much information should I leave in a voicemail? I want there to be clear rules, and there aren’t. That terrifies me to the point of paralysis, for some reason. I’m not sure why.
I’ve also thought about devising our own therapy program for us, but I might be deluding myself. I mean, how much progress can we make without insight from someone outside of us? Sure, writing is helpful. We could work through the Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation book that’s currently buried under dirty laundry on our bedroom floor, but is that enough? And would I really even have the motivation to do it without someone pushing me to do it? There’s a reason it’s been buried for months.
I wish I knew what to do.