I have no idea what I’m doing.

I told C today that I don’t want to find another therapist.  It’s true…but it’s not the whole story.

I’m also completely terrified.  I don’t think I’ve been without a therapist for…god, at least 12 years.  I’m afraid I can’t cope.  I’m afraid of being alone.  I’m afraid I will completely self-destruct without the connection I’ve had through therapy.  I’ve never had any other relationship where I could talk about (almost) anything and have it just be about me so someone else can help me sort out the shit in my head.  I’m not good at reciprocal relationships.  They scare me, and I’m always convinced the other person secretly dislikes me, so I just let them wither and die.  But therapy is safe because I don’t have to reciprocate.  I don’t have to care about the therapist’s life or feelings.  It’s the only relationship where I feel I have the right to exist.

And what the fuck will I do without that?

On the other hand, grow the fuck up.  Learn to be independent.  The longer you rely on therapists, the more caught up in it you get.  You’re their paycheck, so they’ll always make you think you need them.  It’s not malicious or even intentional in most cases–just confirmation bias.  They believe people need therapy, so they find proof that you need therapy.  And you end up more and more dependent and afraid of being alone.  Well, grow up and get the fuck over it.  You’ve got to get over this self-indulgent bullshit.  Yes, your childhood sucked.  A lot of people’s did.  Yes, you’re damaged.  Most people are.  But those people can’t fix you.  Maybe you can’t be fixed at all, so learn to deal with it.  Plenty of people are broken, but they manage to get on with their lives.  If you keep letting yourself depend on therapists to prop you up, you’ll be crippled forever.

(Note: that last paragraph is what I’m hearing in my head.  I’m not applying it to people other than myself.)

I met with my new DMH caseworker today–call her S.  She’s all right, just really young.  She seemed really gung-ho about getting me to switch to one of their therapists.  For reasons I can’t quite suss out, I didn’t tell her that I fired A.  I don’t trust her, and I don’t trust her agency.  I mean, they’re so notoriously bad that people who work there mock the agency.  I really cannot afford to have another therapist disaster because I’m pretty sure I’d just crumble.  And this new agency is also pretty gung-ho about locking people in the hospital, so I can’t afford to crumble.  And if I do, I fully intend to lie my ass off about it to them.

I just have no idea what I’m doing.  Some moments I feel okay, and then there are times (like this moment) where I feel like everything’s falling apart and I’m dying.  And all of the time, I am so SICK of hearing myself.  Just SHUT UP.  No one wants to hear your whiny fucking bullshit.  You fired your therapist.  YOU.  So quit fucking whining about it.  You don’t get to be in pain.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “I have no idea what I’m doing.

  1. kat

    we’re hear to listen, and help any way we can. sorry you are going thru this. sending strength and support to you.

  2. Therapist or no, you get to be in pain. If that’s how you feel. Just here listening. You know, some people with very successful, interesting lives spend years in therapy – being in therapy or not is not a measure of success, IMO. Hope it gets better for you. Sounds horribly painful.

    • I’m not very good at tolerating my pain. I mean, I can deal with the pain itself, but most of the time, I feel like I’m just being melodramatic and attention-seeking and don’t really deserve to be in pain. (Thanks, Mom.)

      It’s not even that I think not being in therapy is a measure of success–it’s more just that I’m afraid of becoming dependent on it/the relationship with the therapist. I’m in a headspace where I can’t tell if I’m being overly paranoid about it or if it’s actually a legitimate fear. It wasn’t that bad until after I fired A–it was MUCH harder and more painful than I expected, especially when she didn’t try to convince me to try again, and then I started panicking that I won’t be able to get through it without therapy. That turned into, “Oh, fuck, I let myself get so dependent that I literally can’t survive without therapy,” and that TERRIFIES me for reasons I can’t quite pin down. It’s a big knot of shame and fear and feelings of inadequacy and rage…I don’t even know. I can’t make sense right now.

  3. Not believing that anyone has your best interest at heart stinks. I wish you could find someone you felt was smart and well intentioned.

    • Part of the reason I don’t feel like looking for a new therapist right now is that I’m in a place where I don’t trust that anyone has my best interest at heart. So starting with a new therapist would be a waste of everyone’s time–what’s the point of therapy when the patient isn’t willing to trust? It’s not even that I think they’re not well-intentioned, by and large–just uneducated and inept. (God, that makes me sound like an asshole.)

  4. I can’t blame ya for not trusting S. It can be hard to just trust people right from the get go. I hope she’s able to help you out though.

  5. Much love my friend. xox I hear you…will always be here to listen, although I know it’s not the same. xox

  6. I fired my last therapist for numerous reasons, but mainly because she didn’t seem to care about what I was saying and I didn’t trust her with “my secrets.” I went without therapy for awhile and then realized I needed it again. I was lucky enough to get back in with a therapist I had seen long-term prior to seeing a therapist at the mental health center. I’m really glad I went back and I can understand your trust issues. I hope you get to a better place in your head where it doesn’t all seem so confusing.

  7. happilydpressed

    Everyone gets to be in pain. Life sucks differently for everyone. It’s hard to see the good anymore, that’s why I take lots of pictures now. I put them all over my walls. Of children playing. People smiling. Just to remember there are fleeting moments where life is ok.

    And it is ok to fire your therapist. I’m ready to fire mine. Doesn’t mean you for want help, just means he or she wasn’t giving you the proper help you wanted.

    Life for you may be falling apart. But talk about it. Maybe we can help you pick up the pieces. You don’t deserve this. And don’t you dare say you do. Because no one deserves unhappiness in their own mind. No one.

  8. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I understand about being able to be as much of yourself as you can around a therapist, I feel the same way and have had one for years as well.
    Just wanted to let you know I am reading and I hope things work out.

  9. Keep your chin up we all get lost and some of find our way back, some of us don’t (just referring to me, well at least not today)

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