I told C today that I don’t want to find another therapist. It’s true…but it’s not the whole story.
I’m also completely terrified. I don’t think I’ve been without a therapist for…god, at least 12 years. I’m afraid I can’t cope. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I will completely self-destruct without the connection I’ve had through therapy. I’ve never had any other relationship where I could talk about (almost) anything and have it just be about me so someone else can help me sort out the shit in my head. I’m not good at reciprocal relationships. They scare me, and I’m always convinced the other person secretly dislikes me, so I just let them wither and die. But therapy is safe because I don’t have to reciprocate. I don’t have to care about the therapist’s life or feelings. It’s the only relationship where I feel I have the right to exist.
And what the fuck will I do without that?
On the other hand, grow the fuck up. Learn to be independent. The longer you rely on therapists, the more caught up in it you get. You’re their paycheck, so they’ll always make you think you need them. It’s not malicious or even intentional in most cases–just confirmation bias. They believe people need therapy, so they find proof that you need therapy. And you end up more and more dependent and afraid of being alone. Well, grow up and get the fuck over it. You’ve got to get over this self-indulgent bullshit. Yes, your childhood sucked. A lot of people’s did. Yes, you’re damaged. Most people are. But those people can’t fix you. Maybe you can’t be fixed at all, so learn to deal with it. Plenty of people are broken, but they manage to get on with their lives. If you keep letting yourself depend on therapists to prop you up, you’ll be crippled forever.
(Note: that last paragraph is what I’m hearing in my head. I’m not applying it to people other than myself.)
I met with my new DMH caseworker today–call her S. She’s all right, just really young. She seemed really gung-ho about getting me to switch to one of their therapists. For reasons I can’t quite suss out, I didn’t tell her that I fired A. I don’t trust her, and I don’t trust her agency. I mean, they’re so notoriously bad that people who work there mock the agency. I really cannot afford to have another therapist disaster because I’m pretty sure I’d just crumble. And this new agency is also pretty gung-ho about locking people in the hospital, so I can’t afford to crumble. And if I do, I fully intend to lie my ass off about it to them.
I just have no idea what I’m doing. Some moments I feel okay, and then there are times (like this moment) where I feel like everything’s falling apart and I’m dying. And all of the time, I am so SICK of hearing myself. Just SHUT UP. No one wants to hear your whiny fucking bullshit. You fired your therapist. YOU. So quit fucking whining about it. You don’t get to be in pain.