Today I’m realizing (yet again) how screwed up I am in regards to interactions with people. I assume that “grown-ups” (by which I mean people in authority positions) are always just waiting for me to screw up so they can get mad and yell at me.
Yesterday, my regional field director texted me to tell me my candidate had tried to call me. I didn’t pick up because I was in the bathroom and didn’t recognize the number. (I only do bathroom calls for some people.) No big deal, right? People miss phone calls all the time, right?
Except I can’t stop obsessing over it. It kept me up last night, and it’s been gnawing at me all day today. I don’t know if I should text my RDD again and ask if I need to call her back or something, but I’m afraid he’ll think I’m dumb. I mean, it’s not like the candidate would call me about anything important. I’m nobody, and she’s the state attorney general. I couldn’t even get myself elected as a delegate. Then I start worrying that she was calling to chew me out for not getting elected. I only lost by one vote, so if I’d just gotten a few more people to come vote for me, I would’ve won. She probably thinks I’m totally useless.
I know I’m being ridiculous. She was probably just calling to thank me for running and for working for her. Honestly, the lady is probably too busy to call failed delegates and yell at them, and besides, she’s always seemed to me like a nice person.
This is the legacy of emotional abuse, of growing up in a family where the adults really were waiting for me to screw up so they had an excuse to attack. It makes me really angry–I shouldn’t have to spend two days obsessing about a missed phone call and all the implications thereof. It shouldn’t be that big a deal. I want to be able to be pleased and flattered that the attorney general–and probably the next governor–of Massachusetts is calling me. I want that so much, and I don’t know how to have it.