Today Sucks

Had the meeting with Social Security this morning. I may have to pay them back for the four months I was at Sheppard Pratt last year–apparently you’re only entitled to a small stipend if you’re hospitalized for more than 30 days, which no one tells you. I don’t know how they think you’re supposed to keep paying the rent–it’s not like the property management company cares that I was in the hospital. I don’t know how I’ll afford to pay back the money if they demand that. I’m already overdrawn by the third week of every month as it is.

I did get my non-working debit card replaced at the bank–not that it matters much, since I don’t have any money and am probably about to have a lot less.

Then therapy. A decided we should play drums to release my anger, which is not even something I feel at this point. I don’t know why, but the sound of her banging on the drum was really triggering, so that idea didn’t last long.

Came home to find the pellet stove is broken. Again. We’ve had a guy out here four times to fix it in the 6 weeks we’ve lived here, but it still won’t work.

So I thought I’d go take a hot shower to warm up. Oh wait, no hot water. We’re completely out of oil. Partly that’s my fault–the gauge is in the basement by the washing machine, and I haven’t cared enough to do laundry in weeks. But my housemates knew it was low and didn’t say anything. Of course, I don’t have the money to fill it, and even if we did, it would be a few days until they could come anyway.

So there’s 2+ feet of snow, it’s below freezing, and I have no heat or hot water. I can’t afford it.

And I should stay alive why?


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7 responses to “Today Sucks

  1. kat

    oh my god. is there anyone you can get to help you? are there places that will help with rent and oil for people in financial emergencies this time of year? or help with food boxes? does your therapist know? maybe they could help you get to the emergency resources above? or at least tell you where they are and what you need when you go there? or do you have any family or friend(s) that you could ask? i would help you in a heartbeat, if i could. i really hope you can get ahold of someone to help you get emergency assistance. i will anxiously await seeing your next blog, hoping for the best! sending you love and strength in this awful moment, hoping to see you in a better place soon.

    • We’re waiting on an appointment with fuel assistance, but that doesn’t help us now. For rental assistance, we’re shit outta luck. The list for vouchers in Massachusetts is so long it’s closed, and it’s a 3 year wait if you are on the list. I’ve been to the local food bank, but you’re only allowed to go once a month. Plus, with all my dietary limitations, I can’t eat most of the food they offer.

      Basically, if you’re poor, you’re fucked. Our government keeps cutting social services and safety net programs, and the most vulnerable people suffer. It’s a silent epidemic, and most people don’t care because they blame poor people for being poor. Politicians only care/talk about poverty when it affects kids–the adults like me don’t matter.

  2. Kenzie - Motorcycles, Books & Fructose

    That’s horrible! I hate how there’s hidden rules when it comes to stuff like that!

  3. As a fellow person living on SSDI, I can relate that things do get tough. I hope your appointment with fuel assistance comes quickly. You have a lot of people in the blogosphere pulling for you, Hope!

  4. I’m sorry that the money issue has come up, and I don’t understand why they did not inform you of this long ago. Yes I think the point is that they assume that if you are hospitalized you deserve to lose your home space and not have to pay any rent while you are in hospital and everyone knows that we don’t stop having to pay our bills and should not be the way that they treat us, but unfortunately it is.

    I can understand how drumming might be triggering. I’m sorry that you went through that.

    I hope that you can stay warm, somehow. Please stay warm. Good and healing thoughts to you.


  5. Monesy issues are really terrible 😦 I’m so sorry.
    Nasty hidden rules!

  6. Oh honey. 😦 I want to run away with you. I want to drive to where you are, pick you up, get the fuck out of here and just run away. I don’t care how we’ll make money…let’s just go somewhere warm where we don’t’ have to worry about oil or heating bills or food.


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