Part of me wants to go back to therapy tomorrow. I want so badly to be heard, to be understood, to be cared about. I feel completely, totally alone. I feel like there is no one who will help me.
I’m almost out of food–still haven’t been approved for food stamps. They asked me again for a statement of my rent. This is the third one I’ve sent. But even if I got food stamps, it wouldn’t matter because I can’t get to the grocery store on my own anyway. There’s no affordable housing that’s close enough to stores. But it doesn’t matter, I guess, because they’re probably about to take my Social Security away too. I have to go to a review meeting next week. They’re going to say I seem fine–people always think I’m fine because I’m smart and usually pretty articulate. Then they’re going to say I’m faking it for the money and take it away, and I won’t be able to pay any rent.
But if I go back to therapy, I’m just going to get lectured about how I can’t give up. They say they’ll figure out some way to make it work. Maybe they will, but even then it will barely even be survival. That’s not what I want. It takes too much to keep fighting so hard to get the most basic needs met. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have anything left. What in this “life” is even worth fighting for? I don’t want it.
I want to go back to therapy because I want someone to fix me. I want someone to make it all better. A can’t do that. No one can do that. I’m a grown-up, and nobody’s going to adopt me and take care of me because I’m no one’s problem anymore. All A can do is tell me not to give up, and I’m way past that point.
But I just want so much not to be alone. Everything hurts so much. Every breath feels unbearable. I don’t think I can survive this, but I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t think I’m going to make it through this. I feel like a terrible person even saying that because what can anyone do? I’m just making people watch me die. But everything hurts so much and I don’t want to be alone.