Part of me wants to go back to therapy tomorrow.  I want so badly to be heard, to be understood, to be cared about.  I feel completely, totally alone.  I feel like there is no one who will help me. 

I’m almost out of food–still haven’t been approved for food stamps.  They asked me again for a statement of my rent.  This is the third one I’ve sent.  But even if I got food stamps, it wouldn’t matter because I can’t get to the grocery store on my own anyway.  There’s no affordable housing that’s close enough to stores.  But it doesn’t matter, I guess, because they’re probably about to take my Social Security away too.  I have to go to a review meeting next week.  They’re going to say I seem fine–people always think I’m fine because I’m smart and usually pretty articulate.  Then they’re going to say I’m faking it for the money and take it away, and I won’t be able to pay any rent.

But if I go back to therapy, I’m just going to get lectured about how I can’t give up.  They say they’ll figure out some way to make it work.  Maybe they will, but even then it will barely even be survival.  That’s not what I want.  It takes too much to keep fighting so hard to get the most basic needs met.  I can’t do it anymore.  I don’t have anything left.  What in this “life” is even worth fighting for?  I don’t want it.

I want to go back to therapy because I want someone to fix me.  I want someone to make it all better.  A can’t do that.  No one can do that.  I’m a grown-up, and nobody’s going to adopt me and take care of me because I’m no one’s problem anymore.  All A can do is tell me not to give up, and I’m way past that point.

But I just want so much not to be alone.  Everything hurts so much.  Every breath feels unbearable.  I don’t think I can survive this, but I don’t want to be alone.

I don’t think I’m going to make it through this.  I feel like a terrible person even saying that because what can anyone do?  I’m just making people watch me die.  But everything hurts so much and I don’t want to be alone.

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4 Comments

February 13, 2014 · 4:00 am

4 responses to “

  1. happilydpressed

    That’s how I felt today. I can’t decide if I want to go to therapy because everyone says I’m fine too. I’m smart and reasonable so I can’t be crazy- they say…it’s funny really. All the smartest people in history were crazy. (Not that I can compare)
    It’s not a fun feeling…hopelessness. But you have things to look forward to. Remember your sisters wedding? That will be beautiful for you? And you knit very well, why not try to sell a few things? Try getting on to the site etsy. You’re talented, Hope. Don’t let your past tell you who to be…I know I’m not one to talk, I’m like a slutty priest, say but not follow haha but I was thinking of you today and I hope you feel better soon.

  2. kat

    sometimes some of us do wander into a kind of twilight zone of never ending hopelessness and blackness where we give up on even the few things we have left. it is so hard to be stirred to the point of being shaken back to the world, which is better by a bit than we remember and brighter than the dark place we have been stuck in.

    i dont know if you will get shaken out of the dark back into the brighter regular world, but you will never get there if you give up now. but i understand how hard that is, and how weakened you have become. i hope that one way or another, you feel better, you feel the weight lift off your chest and you see something more than darkness.

  3. *hugs you* I have that trouble too…well, until the physical stuff shows it’s hand. Is the SS based on your mental health or physical health? Leaning on that physical stuff might be the best way to go. No one cares when I’m horribly depressed but physical pain is something they can’t really deny. (How silly of me, of course they can).

    I wish I could send you some food. When you can’t eat, everything gets worse. Hrm…maybe not in your case I suppose. xoxox Wish I could help you. Wish we could run away from life somehow. I’d totally take you with me. xox

  4. You are never alone, we are all here with you. The universe in conspiring to enlighten us, and it does that by testing us. I know things will get easier, please keep trying! Even when life is painful and difficult, you are amazing and inspiring and worth it. There’s a sunrise after every darkness, just hang on until the light shines again. I wish I could send you a care package, would that be too random? I am sending you love, xoxo.

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