Disaster.

They hate me.  A and C both.  C said she didn’t deserve to be treated like I treat my family.  But then they get mad when I don’t give them the answers they want either.  So talk or don’t talk, whatever I do is wrong.  All I do is fuck things up and hurt people.

They won’t let me quit therapy.  I’m an adult, and I need them to respect that.  I need to be alone.  I just feel worse when I see either A or C.  They don’t understand and I can’t explain it to them.

They threatened me.  C just threatened hospital.  A threatened cops and hospital.  And then they want me to trust them.

I’m just so far past done.  They can’t help.  No one can.  So why won’t they just leave me alone?  But they just get mad and I feel even shittier.

Can’t do this anymore.  At all.  Just can’t.

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13 Comments

February 11, 2014 · 9:14 pm

13 responses to “

  1. Sounds very, very difficult. Thinking of you.

  2. To me it sounds like A and C are scared. It’s not very professional to ‘get mad’ when you tell them your truth. And threatening people is what scared people do.

    I know it may not be feasible, but I think you need better help.

    Anyway, here listening. It sounds so hard.

    • I guess I just am not capable of sympathy for their fear. It feels like they don’t care very much how I’m feeling. I try to tell them that I can’t do this, and I get “Well, you were fine last week.” No, I fucking wasn’t. I was falling the fuck apart. I have been for a long time. I’ve been barely holding it together for longer than I can count, and now I can’t anymore. I try to say I can’t do this anymore, can’t keep fighting to survive, and I get a lecture on how I shouldn’t let the bastard win. It’s way past winning and losing. I lost a hell of a long time ago, and there is no winning anymore. There’s nothing anymore. Everything I say is wrong and it just makes everything worse. But then when I tell them I don’t want to talk anymore, that’s wrong too. Then they tell me they won’t leave me alone. They won’t let me quit therapy. “What if it was your sister who said she just needed to be left alone forever?” I told them if that’s what she really needed, I’d do it. It would hurt like hell but I’d do it. They didn’t believe me.

      There is no better help. I’ve tried. There’s nothing in three counties. Doesn’t matter anyway. All i need now is for them to stop trying to fix me. Stop threatening me. But they won’t. They ask me what I need and then tell me no.

      • It’s not your job to sympathize with their fear – it’s theirs to sympathize with yours, and with whatever else you are feeling. Or empathize is maybe a better word. I’d be pissed off also.

        I am sorry – that is rough altogether.

      • I guess I just always feel like I’m responsible for everyone else’s feelings. It’s how I was raised–my parents’ feelings mattered, but not my own, and I took care of my sisters because my parents weren’t doing much of that. I’ve tried to get beyond that as an adult, with some success…but then when people make me responsible for their feelings (at least, that’s what it felt like with C and A), then I’m right back in that spot where I have to make everyone feel better and my needs be damned because I’m a bad person who doesn’t deserve to have needs or feelings. To quote Louise Gluck, “The boundary, the wall around the self erodes.”

      • “Well, you were fine last week.”
        It’s almost amusing exactly how many people in this profession have difficulty recognizing when someone is putting up a mask of being okay. Even more how often they fail to recognize someone struggling and at times directly asking for help because (I assume) it doesn’t match up with their idea of what that looks like.

        I’m really sorry to hear you’re going through this right now, and as icing on the cake, getting invalidated in the bargain.

        Also, insert rant about their job being to actually listen to you, so that they are better able to meet your needs. It is not to engage in whatever tired-assed discourse makes them feel better about the situation.

      • Yes…people don’t understand the masks. I think I must just do it better than most people. Maybe it’s the DID, I dunno–I switch to someone who really is fine so I can function enough to do what has to be done, but that’s exhausting and impossible to maintain for very long. So while I know that I’m just barely holding it together, to other people it must actually look like I go from totally fine to not okay at all. It’s not even that I consciously hide it–that just happens.

  3. Mandy

    I can’t “help” so I offer my LIKE in support. Tough situation,

  4. Wow that sounds really hard. If I’m hearing you right, you feel like nothing has helped nor can help, and you just want to be left alone. You’re really in a lot of pain, and they just don’t understand! You don’t have the energy or will to keep going as you are and you know, deep down, that there is no chance of anything getting better.

    That must be such an awful and painful place to be! I can understand your desire to be left alone, When I’ve felt that way, I’ve been mad at everyone for not just dropping the matter and letting me go when the situation was so obviously beyond salvation. Is that how you feel?

  5. complicatedwaltz

    Hi, I’m just learning your story here, first time reader. I’m taking it that these 2 are crappy therapists? I’m so sorry they are doing this to you. I think therapy is hard enough, without having to mitigate whatever “issue” the T has. It’s a real breach of trust and it undermines your healing.
    A very dear friend of mine, fellow survivor, went through a very bad “breakup” with her therapist– to the point that I think this woman’s professional license should be taken away. May I point out this friend to your blog? Maybe she has some kind words of understanding.
    Glad to know you, Hope. 🙂

    • A is my therapist; C is my team leader. (“Team leader” is something of a misnomer because I no longer have a team–my family cut off my treatment at the end of last year.) They’re not bad people, or even bad at their jobs. I think right now they just don’t know how to handle me. I get that because I don’t know how to handle me either. But it does feel a lot like they’re making their issues mine right now, when I can’t even handle my own issues.

      Sure, point away. I’ve got a number of therapist horror stories, unfortunately, so I can empathize with what your friend is going through.

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