I’m so angry right now I can’t think straight.
A “friend” of mine who I was stupid enough to trust and tell how much I’m struggling has been on my case about going to the hospital. I said being shamed and treated like I’m less than a person was not what I needed to get better, and she asked why I was so opposed to getting “help.”
So I told her. I told her about how I’ve been yelled at for self-harming or being suicidal. How a doctor refused to suture a cut that clearly needed it because he had “real patients who didn’t cause their own problems.” How I’ve been strip-searched. How I’ve been watched while showering and using the toilet. How I’ve been forced to take medications that made me sicker. How I’ve been threatened with restraints and worse “treatments” if I refused. How my attempts to get help have been written off as “attention-seeking” and “manipulative.”
I told her about being in the state hospital. I told her that one night, another patient came into my room, grabbed me by the throat, and hit me in the face over and over again. Staff refused me any medical attention (I later found out the woman had broken my nose) and told me to “forget about it and move on because she didn’t know what she was doing.” No attempt was made to protect me. I told her that one of my roommates repeatedly sexually assaulted me, but I didn’t tell anyone because I knew they wouldn’t care and wouldn’t help me.
And this “friend” blamed me.
She said I should’ve reported any doctor who treated me poorly. She said if I’d fought back against the woman who beat me up, she would’ve stopped. She said I should’ve told someone I was being sexually assaulted and they would’ve stopped it.
She blamed me for all of it.
I’m trying to hang onto believing she’s wrong, believing I did the best I could to survive, believing it wasn’t my fault. But I’m not doing very well. Not hanging on very tight.
I want to hit her. I want to beat the shit out of her. But that turns almost instantly into wanting to slice myself to ribbons and then kill myself. This is the hardest thing for me–I try so hard to stop blaming myself for all the traumas, but when someone I trust blames me, I fall apart. I blocked her email and cell number, but her words keep replaying in my head. I can’t stop that.
I’m really not okay right now.