A keeps calling and emailing me.  Three voicemails and two emails since Thursday.

I want to scream at her to leave me the fuck alone.  I didn’t go to therapy because I didn’t WANT to go to therapy.  I’m never coming back to therapy.  I’m never coming back to life.  If I wanted to talk to you, I would’ve, you know, come to therapy.  But I didn’t go because I didn’t want to talk, so learn some fucking boundaries and leave me the fuck alone.

I say I want someone to take care of me, but I can’t even let anyone care about me.  That’s pretty fucked up.

I told C I’d be safe until Monday.  I don’t think that’s going to work.  I can’t make anything work.  The only reason I’m even still alive right now is guilt, and that never works for very long.

Things aren’t getting better.  Things aren’t going to get better.  Miracles don’t happen to people like me.  The best I can do is hope the people I care about don’t hate me forever once I can’t hold on anymore.

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4 Comments

February 8, 2014 · 5:09 pm

4 responses to “

  1. I’m really sorry to hear (read) that you are having such a rough time. I haven’t been following your blog for a super-long time, but long enough to know that you face many barriers and stressors just in an average day. I am sure a buildup of frustration can leave you where you are…at the breaking point. It’s easy when you are in this place to also think that your life has no value, that there is no point to existing, that no one cares. I have been there and it is a terribly ugly place to be. I hope you can hear me when I say that your life does have value. I know (for a fact) you have people in your life that care. You have friends on the WWW, “A” and “C” care (you as much as said it in your post), and hopefully, with some support and possibly an advocate from your mental health center, you can find more help for the things you need. I do hope you are able to keep yourself safe until you can talk to someone. You are in my thoughts, Rose

  2. happilydpressed

    I felt like this last night. My doctor prescribed me new medication and I wanted so badly to take them all. I don’t want to live, I stay around for everyone else.
    I seem to be getting worse also. Life just gets harder every day. But we’re all here for a purpose, maybe you haven’t found yours yet. I wish you the best of luck- hope you’ll be ok. There’s a lot more to life if you can just muster up the courage to find it. I can’t, but I hope you can.
    If you ever need to talk, I don’t know you but I’ll listen.

  3. kat

    i have been in and out of this place of hopelessness, nothingness for too long. i dont know the answer of why to keep trying, but somehow i am still here despite my best efforts not to be. i dont know why to stay but i guess if you do stay there might always be a change, a reason, something different that makes it worth it to be here. if you dont stay youll never know, never have a chance for it to change. if you need to talk, im here too. take care, sending you caring and calming thoughts.

  4. (((hugz))) You have so much despair and hopelessness, my heart really goes out to you for the pain you are experiencing and how horrible you are feeling.

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