I know everyone’s going to say I’m not making sense, that I’m just crazy or this is depression talking or whatever else. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t think so. I think this is all that does make sense.
There’s a point at which hope is just stupid. Sure, maybe things will get better–but there’s a much greater likelihood that they won’t. I’m talking science here, statistics. Once you’re disabled and poor, you’re probably not going to stop being disabled and poor. Once you’re crazy and broken, you’re probably not going to get better. And by “you” I mean me, of course.
And even if it will get better, so what? It’s my life, isn’t it? That means it’s my right to decide what’s enough. It’s my right to decide that the possibility of hope isn’t enough to outweigh the pain of the present. I don’t believe we’re all here for a reason or a higher purpose. My parents had sex; that’s the only reason I exist. I didn’t ask to be born.
People with power want me dead. I know this sounds like paranoia, but I don’t think they’re going to kill me in my sleep or anything. Really, it’s more that they want me to not exist than that they want me to die. I’m a useless eater. I take up precious resources I haven’t earned, and I add nothing to society. My family doesn’t think I deserve financial or emotional support. They knew their money was what was letting me have a place to live and food to eat, but they took it away anyway. The government has made it nearly impossible for me to get housing assistance, fuel assistance, transportation, food stamps, or mental health services. Now they want to take away my disability, which is my only source of income. They will never SAY they want me to die–they just make it impossible to survive.
I could probably figure out some way to survive. I am resourceful when necessary. But I don’t want to anymore. I don’t have the required internal resources. I’ve fought so hard for so long just to get through each day, and now I have nothing left.
When so many people want me to die, how can I argue with that? They must be right. I mean, we’re talking about my family, the people who saw me grow up. They see me as a worthless individual. To the government, I’m not a useless individual–just a member of a useless group. They’re right about me. I can’t fight the truth anymore. I tried and failed. I see the truth about myself now.