I know everyone’s going to say I’m not making sense, that I’m just crazy or this is depression talking or whatever else.  Maybe that’s true, but I don’t think so.  I think this is all that does make sense.

There’s a point at which hope is just stupid.  Sure, maybe things will get better–but there’s a much greater likelihood that they won’t.  I’m talking science here, statistics.  Once you’re disabled and poor, you’re probably not going to stop being disabled and poor.  Once you’re crazy and broken, you’re probably not going to get better.  And by “you” I mean me, of course.

And even if it will get better, so what?  It’s my life, isn’t it?  That means it’s my right to decide what’s enough.  It’s my right to decide that the possibility of hope isn’t enough to outweigh the pain of the present.  I don’t believe we’re all here for a reason or a higher purpose.  My parents had sex; that’s the only reason I exist.  I didn’t ask to be born.

People with power want me dead.  I know this sounds like paranoia, but I don’t think they’re going to kill me in my sleep or anything.  Really, it’s more that they want me to not exist than that they want me to die.  I’m a useless eater.  I take up precious resources I haven’t earned, and I add nothing to society.  My family doesn’t think I deserve financial or emotional support.  They knew their money was what was letting me have a place to live and food to eat, but they took it away anyway.  The government has made it nearly impossible for me to get housing assistance, fuel assistance, transportation, food stamps, or mental health services.  Now they want to take away my disability, which is my only source of income.  They will never SAY they want me to die–they just make it impossible to survive.

I could probably figure out some way to survive.  I am resourceful when necessary.  But I don’t want to anymore.  I don’t have the required internal resources.  I’ve fought so hard for so long just to get through each day, and now I have nothing left.

When so many people want me to die, how can I argue with that?  They must be  right.  I mean, we’re talking about my family, the people who saw me grow up.  They see me as a worthless individual.  To the government, I’m not a useless individual–just a member of a useless group.  They’re right about me.  I can’t fight the truth anymore.  I tried and failed.  I see the truth about myself now.

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8 Comments

February 7, 2014 · 4:45 am

8 responses to “

  1. I have “listened” to what you’ve written, and I can “hear” the train of thought behind what you say.
    If it’s OK, may I challenge some of your conclusions? I don’t mean to presume, so please feel free to not read or ignore any of the following.
    It is probably true that your government, wherever you live, would rather not have a person with a disability to support. Governments are stupid, and behave as though they have a function beyond serving the people. That, as we know, should be their purpose, but it is corrupted by other interests. But that doesn’t apply to you personally. They would also rather not have under- or over-achieving students in schools (or, better yet, no students at all); not have to fund either emergency departments nor palliative care; not have to fund emergency services, or conservation services.
    I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to comment on your family situation; anything I might say would be based on too many assumptions to be either valid or respectful.
    However, what I will say is this: you DO have an intrinsic right to exist, a right to live, and not merely survive, but be clothed, fed, educated, have the freedom to follow a religion and to no small end determine the course of your life. Not only do I say that, but the UN says that, and so does good old common sense. Naturally, this includes the freedom to end your life early, should you make that choice; but I hope you won’t, because in your words I hear a beautiful voice, a unique voice, a voice which no other person on this world or any other could speak with. Although I don’t know you, I believe the world would be a lesser place without you.
    That’s the truth I see about you.

  2. DysthymiaBree makes some great points Hope. To those I add that anyone who can write and express themselves as well as you do has a great deal to offer. The people around you have failed you. You are battle weary. Fine, but are you really sure no one cares? I do not think so. You need a fresh champion or two. You are reaching out by writing your blog. How about reaching out to a local non government agency, even dare I say a faith based group?

  3. You do have an awful lot to deal with at once Hope – I can see it could be overwhelming. I do think you are taking a system’s behaviour and personalizing it. These systems don’t know you. They want to save themselves money because that is their nature.

    As to your family’s horrendous behaviour – ouch. That is the battle though – treating ourselves differently than our abusive families treated us. The impulse is to treat ourselves as they treated us.

    Sending calming waves your way.

  4. Hope. Your voice is the voice for many that are too afraid to scream. That is a gift you have. You express yourself for them, and dare I say me oftentimes. I hate that you are in the darkest abyss right now, seeing no light and feeling that rather than life preservers stones are thrown by those that you desperately wish would help. Please see those are is their flaws not yours. You are exhausted from “swimming”, you have been doing your part. My therapist pointed out something to me the other day when I cried to her about my lack of purpose, she mention my blog. How my blog gives voice to people that need to find their voice. Mental illness is so taboo in the nation, our responsibility is to fight. You are one of those on the frontline and doing a dang good job. I know you are tired, po’d, confused, frustrated, and many other things. Focus on YOUR battle, not those around you, they are wrong. You have so much to offer. I pray that you find the strength and the courage to continue. ~Hope

  5. Oh my friend…I’ve been there. It’s hard to keep finding reasons, I know. When you cannot work and you turn for help and are refused, by everyone, it must seem like there is just nowhere to go. I’m so angry at your family for taking your support away. It’s as if they pulled the plug on your life just because they didn’t want to spend any more money. How sad…money over family.:( The only good part is that you no longer need to feel you ‘owe’ them anything.

    The Government is useless and is never going to help enough….it’s kind of all on you to survive, and that really fucking sucks.

    You know I care about you very much.. If I can help, even just as an ear, you know where to find me. xox Much love.

  6. This quote and graphic design made me think of you.

  7. I agree, this makes sense. I wish it didn’t. But I have felt this hopelessness. I hear you. I don’t have anything profound to try to inspire hope. I’m still working on that one. But know that you are not alone. People are rooting for you. People are standing here with you, even if you don’t see us. Take care, my dear.

  8. Sadly, this makes too much sense and there is so much truth in it. I’m hoping you decide not to die and eventually are glad you made that decision but I don’t know if that will happen. It is your choice, and people are making it hard for you to live/survive some knowingly others maybe not so much. Maybe you need a different kind of hope, one that works for you that isn’t based off higher power, or things will be great soon, or finding meaning or the typical reasons we are given to hold on. What about doing it out of spite, stubbornness to beat all those people who want you to die or not survive? I know also in depression hope seems futile any way you put it but, i hope this helps. Take care.

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