can’t do it anymore.

Missed therapy this morning.  Phone died, so the alarm didn’t go off.  Don’t think I would’ve gone anyway, but this was just a convenient excuse.  Didn’t call A.  Didn’t want to.

Got a letter this afternoon from Social Security.  Have to go to a meeting to determine if I’m still eligible.  Tomorrow.  In a town I can’t get to.  Couldn’t get to it even if I had more than a day’s notice.  Too far to walk to get a bus, then several hours on buses.  Should call them, but haven’t.  Don’t care.  Take it away.  Don’t care anymore.  Probably never deserved it in the first place.  Keep your money.  Give it to someone else.  Don’t care anymore.

Just can’t do this anymore.  Sorry.  I’m done.

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17 Comments

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17 responses to “can’t do it anymore.

  1. Hope, is there someone you can reach out to? Please do. The government red tape stinks but … please try reaching out in a different direction if old contacts are not helping.

    • Reaching out is the problem. Never should’ve asked for help in the first place. I didn’t deserve it. I was not even supposed to be alive. There’s no one left to reach out to. I’ve exhausted all the resources, and there’s nothing left. It’s okay. It doesn’t matter.

  2. Bourbon

    Please don’t be done 😦 I know you will see me as being selfish to say that but I can’t not say it. 😦

  3. Dearest Hope. You like I have the name “Hope” for a reason. Focus on one moment at a time. Reach out to someone you can trust. You are worth it. With social security, call and explain, the adjudicators are generally pretty understanding. If you call. The red tape is a pain, my hearing will not be until this December probably. sending lots of positive thoughts and energy your way. ~Hope

    • Hope isn’t even really my name. I made it up for privacy, mostly, and maybe to try to persuade myself of something I’m not good at actually believe in. C called Social Security but I don’t think it’ll matter. It usually doesn’t, no matter how hard I try. Everything I touch falls apart.

      • Hope isn’t my name either. That was my point. 🙂 I chose it too, for the same reason.:) I am glad that C called social security. Oh hon, I am offering you a hug if that is ok. I promise I have said those very word, no let me rephrase, I have screamed those very words. I do not remember if I mentioned this yesterday, but if after your rescheduled appointment you are denied. Find a lawyer that specializes in disability. Yes, they get 20% of your back pay (that is all by law and it is taken out by social security so you do not have to worry about sending it.), but they also deal with many of the headaches for you, and help you dot your i’s and cross your t’s. The great thing to them too, you do not have to pay anything if you do not get disabilty. I have worked with my lawyer who is several counties away via email, telephone, and fax. Never face to face, that is a huge plus for me since I have the fear of getting out in public. I hope this helps some. ~Hope

  4. Mandy

    Please don’t ever be done, Hope. Every time I see you’ve liked something on my blog, I feel a sense of “hope”. I don’t know why. I just do. I need you to be here.

    • I’m trying not to give up, but I don’t think I can hold on very much longer. It’s just too hard. The people who could help me won’t because they think I’m lazy and useless and worthless. I think they’re right. I try not to but it doesn’t work. When most of the world treats you that way, they’re probably the ones who are right.

  5. kat

    you may be feeling down and hopeless at this moment, but there have been moments before and will be moments after this exact moment where you will want to keep your income. dont punish your future self by not calling and rescheduling your SS appointment for a day you can get there. if possible, have a friend or therapist accompany you, so it wont be so overwhelming and daunting.

    • If only I had friends. I have friendly acquaintances, nice people, but no one I would tell about this.

      I doubt they’ll let me keep my income, so it seems pointless to try. They think people with psych disabilities are just lazy and don’t want to work. I know too many people who’ve had their disability taken away because it was “just” for psych reasons. They want me to just die quietly. No food stamps, no disability, no DMH, nothing. I don’t deserve services. And honestly more often than not I think they’re right.

      • kat

        if ‘they’ were in our shoes, then ‘they’ would expect to get help too. its only because they think it could never happen to them that they have the gall to think we are somehow inferior and undeserving.

        and i do know what you mean about having friendly acquaintances or online friends. i am in the same position, for the last 6 yrs. and sometimes, it is very hard and others just sort of okish.

        but as for services, you do deserve them. i am on SS disability just for psych problems, and they don’t take it away unless you are clearly—to all the docs and therapists you have—able and fit for full time gainful work–gainful means not minimum wage, it means what you are trained for, that pays enough to live on. vocational rehabilitation services (offered by state, administered by feds) will help you retrain for something you would likely have success doing and make enough to live one also. as long as your providers agree you cant work full time and stay healthy, they wont take your SS disability away.

        As for the other services, they are based on income. i used to qualify for food stamps, until i started getting child support–then i became over limit for food stamps. my kids used to be on medicaid, but the same thing–with child support and their dad having to pay to keep them insured, they get dad’s insurance instead.

        anyway please talk to your providers that you are afraid you will lose SS disability, and ask them how they assess you right now. they will tell you if they would say you are fine and can work or if they think you are still too ill to work. and it will help set your mind at ease to know that. so please dont just skip your SS appointment–call and reschedule, explain how much time you need to plan transportation for the appointment. im sure they will reschedule it.

        it is worth trying for. homelessness is really not the way to go. trying to work a job when youre not able will not last very long. i am sending you calming and positive thoughts.

  6. Maybe you need to hibernate for a while….It does sound very discouraging. Here listening and sending healing wishes.

    • Hibernating implies sleep. Lay in bed for most of the day, but I finally got up because I couldn’t stand being in my head any longer. Thanks for the thoughts.

  7. Kenzie - Motorcycles, Books & Fructose

    Hope, is there a local Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America chapter that you can reach out too that may be able to help you with this? I would definitely see if you can talk to SS and reschedule your appointment. I’m sure the red tape is a pain to deal with but every little bit helps I’m sure. I hope things work out for the best for you.

    • There’s no CCFA chapter within three hours of me because I live in the middle of nowhere. But my disability is for psych reasons anyway, so I doubt they could help even if there were one nearby. C is going to try to reschedule the appointment, but I don’t think it’ll do much good. In general they see people with psychiatric disabilities as nothing but malingerers who just don’t want to work.

      • Kenzie - Motorcycles, Books & Fructose

        I’m sorry to hear that 😦 I really wish that the world wasn’t that way.

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