I’m really not okay right now, and I can’t even explain what’s wrong.
I had therapy today, and my team leader decided we should both meet with my therapist to talk about what’s going to happen when I don’t have my team leader anymore. The whole thing turned into a fight about the DMH referral. I kept saying I didn’t want to deal with them because they’ve made it very clear that they don’t want to help me, and it’s been causing me way too much stress. A and C were both telling me I was wrong because the people I’m dealing with now (administrators) aren’t who I’d be dealing with once I got services (clinicians). I know that. I get that. I’m not stupid. But the administrators are the ones who hire the clinicians, and I can’t deal with people like that. When I’m repeatedly treated like I don’t deserve help, it makes me suicidal. I’ve been dealing with these people since September, for fuck’s sake. I’ve dealt with all that I can deal with.
Then they started in on, “Well, what are you going to do if things get bad again?” I don’t know. I don’t fucking know, okay? I’m kind of busy trying to deal with all the shit that’s happening NOW, and the more you push me into dealing with some imagined future, the more hopeless I feel. They both just kept at me, talking like they thought I was stupid and hadn’t considered what I was choosing. I’m not fucking stupid, I have an IQ of 164, and I did consider this. I’ve been considering it since September, and I decided I can’t deal with any more people treating me like I’m worthless. I decided it’s less harmful for me to have no support than support that DMH makes it clear they don’t think I deserve. It’s not like it was an impulsive decision, but A and C kept treating me like it was, like if they just repeated the same arguments three more times, I’d suddenly make the decision they’d decided was best for me. Finally they agreed to abide by my decision, like they were doing me a favor or something.
Predictably, I started dissociating. C went out to the car, and A kept trying to get me to talk. I didn’t want to talk. She kept asking me what I felt, but I didn’t know because I felt everything at once, and nothing. The only person there I trusted was A’s dog. I didn’t want to talk or be present or even exist. C took me home and I cried all the way there. I don’t know why. I needed to go to the pharmacy but I told her to just take me home. She asked why I was upset with her and I said it wasn’t about her. I don’t even know if I was lying because nothing makes sense.
I went straight to bed and slept for 13 hours. I had things I needed to do. Run a conference call, call people about caucuses. So now my RFD probably hates me like everyone else. I deserve that but I don’t want him to, but I can’t fix it because I just can’t deal with anything. I’ll probably lie and tell him I flared and can’t do the campaign anymore. He’ll hate me like everyone else, and I care and I don’t care at all.
I know I’m not making sense. I don’t think I can, right now.
I’m trying to convince myself that it would be cruel to kill myself. I’m not doing a very good job. Well, I know it would be cruel, know it would hurt people I don’t want to hurt. What I’m not doing a good job of is convincing myself that that’s enough reason not to do it. Everything just feels like too much. I haven’t done anything so don’t worry. I probably won’t. I usually don’t. But this is where I am.