In two weeks, I’ve gone from not involved in a campaign at all to regional field organizer and caucus coordinator. I was in Boston all day yesterday for a big training session with the campaign interns, which was good. Our candidate came in at the end, said hi, and took some pictures with all of us, which was pretty classy of her. My regional field director (RFD) just keeps asking me to do more stuff, and I keep saying yes because I want a new challenge and I want to feel important/valuable.
But some part of me is freaked out. I’m not sure who–communication isn’t good enough for me to figure that out. But whoever it is has been close to the front lately. During the training yesterday, I kept having these flashes of panic: “Oh my god, why did I agree to this? I can’t do this stuff!” Just a couple seconds at a time, and then I was back to just being me, back to being fine.
It’s just hard to adjust to. I spent so long trying to deny that I had parts that it feels wrong and dangerous to let them feel, let alone to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings. It scares me, although I can’t articulate why. It’s just this strong, general dread of them, like they’re something so dangerous they’ll destroy me. On one level, I know they’re not. They’ve been around for most of my life, and they haven’t destroyed me yet.
But I suppose it’s inevitable to be afraid of them. I broke myself into pieces and dissociated most of them because I was too badly traumatized to survive the memories and feelings. They would’ve destroyed me back then: I was a little child with no safe place or safe people, with nowhere to be loved. I’m older now, I’m safe, and I have people who care about me…but those child parts are still there and still feel like facing all of this would destroy them/me/us.
I just wish I knew how to deal with the terror.