Facing What I Dissociated

In two weeks, I’ve gone from not involved in a campaign at all to regional field organizer and caucus coordinator.  I was in Boston all day yesterday for a big training session with the campaign interns, which was good.  Our candidate came in at the end, said hi, and took some pictures with all of us, which was pretty classy of her.  My regional field director (RFD) just keeps asking me to do more stuff, and I keep saying yes because I want a new challenge and I want to feel important/valuable.

But some part of me is freaked out.  I’m not sure who–communication isn’t good enough for me to figure that out.  But whoever it is has been close to the front lately.  During the training yesterday, I kept having these flashes of panic: “Oh my god, why did I agree to this?  I can’t do this stuff!”  Just a couple seconds at a time, and then I was back to just being me, back to being fine.

It’s just hard to adjust to.  I spent so long trying to deny that I had parts that it feels wrong and dangerous to let them feel, let alone to acknowledge their thoughts and feelings.  It scares me, although I can’t articulate why.  It’s just this strong, general dread of them, like they’re something so dangerous they’ll destroy me.  On one level, I know they’re not.  They’ve been around for most of my life, and they haven’t destroyed me yet.

But I suppose it’s inevitable to be afraid of them.  I broke myself into pieces and dissociated most of them because I was too badly traumatized to survive the memories and feelings.  They would’ve destroyed me back then: I was a little child with no safe place or safe people, with nowhere to be loved.  I’m older now, I’m safe, and I have people who care about me…but those child parts are still there and still feel like facing all of this would destroy them/me/us.

I just wish I knew how to deal with the terror.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Facing What I Dissociated

  1. Mandy

    ((Hugs)) just know you’re not alone. I’ve experienced that many times and it feels dreadful.

  2. I hear you. Those child like parts can terrify me at times. Their emotions take over so easily. Things that should be safe feel scary to those parts. Those parts that were so violated. They helped you survive the scary things when you were a kid. I wish I had a solution on how to find a truce with those little parts. Big hugs to you, my dear.

  3. I think part of what’s been helpful to me is realizing it’s not all at once. Any of it. Connecting with one of them doesn’t mean connecting with all of them- and learning to accept them doesn’t mean your immediately going to be flooded by memories. Even memories coming up doesn’t mean your ever going to get everything at once- because *none* of you has everything at once. For myself, I’ve found that over time, I’d rather have the fears of knowing then those of not-knowing- knowing allows me to be able to do something, and connecting and knowing the others inside enables that “knowing”, whereas not knowing leaves me vulnerable.

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