Out of Control

I just had a full-on meltdown, complete with yelling, throwing things, and crying, because I spilled Rice Krispies and Trivial Pursuit cards all over my couch and myself.

Everything just feels so out of control.

I feel like I can’t control any of what’s happening to me right now.  I can’t control the fact that I’m too sick to work, and I can’t control the fact that the government won’t give me enough money to live on.  I can’t control the fact that I’m totally broke and that this happens by the last week of every month.  I can’t control the fact that my case worker for food stamps is dragging her feet.  I can’t control the fact that the food bank doesn’t let you come often enough because they don’t have enough food for everyone who needs it.  I can’t control the fact that DMH is looking for any way possible to refuse to offer me services.  I can’t control the fact that Medicaid won’t give me transportation to my therapist’s office.  I can’t control the fact that my apartment is freezing because our pellet stove refuses to work.  I can’t control that I’m having obsessive suicidal impulses and graphic visuals.

I feel like I can’t control anything.



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12 responses to “Out of Control

  1. I clicked on the like button, not because I like the space in but because I know exactly how it feels to be so hopeless and then helplessness walks into our life and takes over. I too hate what the government is doing about our mental health crisis (which is exactly nothing). It angers me to no end.
    If you accept hugs, please consider this a cyber hug and my thoughts are with you. I hear of the same situation over and over.

    • I really appreciate your support, Sheri. It helps to know that there are people who care about me.

      I really wish that our government would do more to give people access to QUALITY mental health care, by which I mean things other than just locking them up and drugging them. In addition to treatment, we also need greater funding for social services like SNAP, housing supports, and disability since many of us rely on those programs to survive. But it seems most of what the government does is just increase the stigma, since they basically only talk about mental illness when there’s a mass shooting. There are exceptions–a year or two ago Vermont put several million dollars into peer-run mental health services, and tonight I heard one of the candidates for governor of Massachusetts talk about how most people with mental illness are not violent or a risk to the community. Things like that do give me some hope.

      • Massachusetts is ahead of everyone else. I worked with Ted Kennedy in getting legislation passed for insurance parity for all federal insurance plans, however that didn’t thousands of others left out in the cold. We saw it as one step at a time.
        I gravely concerned that the TV ads now being put on the air currently by Gabby Gifford point directly at mental illness as being a direct cause of gun violence. You and I both know this is not true.
        I’ve started putting together numbers, etc. for a series of blogs addressing the issue of insurance, the stigma behind the gun violence message going before the American public and on and on. The millions approved for community mental health outreach programs will not be spent on the clients. It will be skimmed from the top by the already overpaid administrative staff and they will pretend it’s for program development when indeed they are doing nothing at all.

      • That’s an awesome project, Sheri. If you need any help, let me know.

        Here in Massachusetts, the gubernatorial candidate I’m working for, Martha Coakley, is talking about mental health separately from gun control. She’s doing a lot of stuff I like, but that’s what really sold me on her. I’ve never heard any other politician addressing mental illness outside of gun control. In fact, at a forum in my town last week, there was a question about gun control, and one of the other candidates said the typical “keep guns away from violent criminals and mentally ill people” stuff. In her response, Martha said what we need are reasonable threat assessments because most people with mental illnesses aren’t dangerous. I wanted to jump up onstage and hug her.

      • Hope, thanks so much for the offer of help. I’ll more than likely take you up on the offer once I get deep into the research.
        Are you comfortable sending me your e-mail address. My address is sdegrom@conwaycorp.net. You may send your address there.
        Also, if there’s anything at all I can do or say within my mental health blogs to aid your gubernatorial candidate, don’t hesitate to ask. I love her response about needing risk assessments, etc.

      • I’ll send you an email.

        I’m sure there’ll be digital campaign stuff going on in the next several months–she’s on all the major social networks, though I haven’t heard much about them doing anything with blogging. Right now we’re focused almost entirely on the town caucuses, but once those end in early March, I’m sure we’ll do more social media stuff. I’ll let you know.

      • I’ll be glad to help in any way I can. Twitter, Facebook, etc.

  2. Those pellet stoves are night mares. And I bet some social service agency suggested it. My now deceased mom that one, and she had nephews who could have chopped wood for a real wood stove – – and it was forced on her by social services. People who had not a clue. That doesn’t help your frustration. Sorry.

    Just focus on each breath in and out..Sometimes that is the most we can get control of…keep on hoping, it has to get warmer sometime.

    • The pellet stove came with the apartment, actually. When it works, it’s awesome–puts out a lot of heat, which I like because I’m always cold. But it just doesn’t work half the time. My roommates finally got it started tonight while I was out, so I did come home to a warm apartment. But I’d rather have an actual wood stove or even just a fireplace.

  3. Bourbon

    ‘Liking’ to show support… I wish there was something more concrete and solid I could do. You do not deserve to be in such a dark place 😦 I want to thank you for coming to my blog recently and showing support to me whilst you’re going through all of this. I really appreciate that. xx

  4. ~meredith

    “like” support, too. i don’t have right words, just sorrow. thinking of you. ~meredith

  5. Thats a helluva lot of things not to be able to control! I am sorry Hope. that sounds awful. XX

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