Alone

I’m feeling very alone tonight.  Needy.  Childlike.  I don’t like it.

I think it’s all the bureaucratic crap I’m dealing with.  I feel like I’m trying so damn hard to make my life work, but the people who could help don’t care and are only interested in figuring out how to deny me help.  I feel like they want me dead.  I’m not having serious/active suicidal impulses yet, but the thoughts are definitely there: “You could get out.  You don’t have to deal with all of this.  Nobody should have to live like this.  It’s okay to give up.”  And those thoughts feel like compassion for myself.  Like kindness.

I want someone to help me.

No.  What I want is for someone to take care of me.  I want to be a child again, but this time surrounded by people who actually love me instead of people who say they love me but hurt me instead.  I don’t want to be a grown-up anymore.  I don’t want to have to worry how I’m going to afford food or pay my bills.  I don’t want to have to decide between freezing and spending $500 to fill the oil tank or buy pellets for the stove.  I don’t want to have to fight to get mental health services I clearly need.  I don’t want to have to worry which medications my insurance is going to deny this month.

I want to be a kid.  I want all those things to never even enter my mind.  I want to not have to worry about anything.  I want someone to hug me and scratch my back and play with my hair.  I want someone to cook my meals and fold my laundry and wash my dishes.  I want to have friends and never even think that they all secretly hate me.  I want to believe that the world is beautiful and I’m full of infinite possibilities.  I want to be held and cherished and loved.

But I’m just alone.

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Alone

  1. Oh … what a bleak place to be in.
    Despite how you feel right now, I happen to believe that the world is beautiful and you are full of infinite possibilities. But then, I’m lucky enough not to be in the tough place you’re in right now.
    I hope there’s someone in your life who can, however momentarily, give you that feeling of being cared for. For what it’s worth, while I’m reading your post, I’m thinking about you; so, in a sense, even though I don’t know you, you’re not completely alone.

    • Thank you for the reminder. Sometimes I just need to hear those things from someone outside my head, you know? If someone else believes them, it makes it seem more real.

      • Yes – I know exactly what you mean! I’m also a great believer in ‘knowing’ (she touches her head) and ‘knowing’ (she touches her heart/gut). Sometimes we intellectually know something but don’t feel it, and hearing someone else say it helps us to feel it again.

      • We must be brain twins or something. There’s often a huge gulf between what I know and what I believe. It drives me crazy that I can’t bridge that gulf even though I KNOW so many things rationally. I hate it. It makes me feel even more dis-integrated than I do already.

      • Yes. It drives me mad when I have to re-learn something, especially painful things. It seems unfair …

  2. Oh my gosh, this is so me right now. I am actually thinking about going in inpatient just to have someone care for me. Not only do I desire it so much, I’ve just got run down to the point where I can’t take care of me on my own.
    You are not alone. There are bloggers going through the same thing. I wish I could give you that ability to be a kid and be cared for, in some aspect. Thinking of you.

    • I’m sorry you’re in this headspace too. It’s not a fun place to be, is it? I’m rigidly emotionally independent almost all the time, and I think sometimes that it makes me feel more alone and needy because I can’t let myself rely on anyone else for emotional support.

      I’m thinking of you and hoping things get easier.

  3. I’m sorry you feel so alone. Its so difficult when you feel like that isnt it? We have did, so have child insiders, sometimes under stress one of them can be out for hours at a time. A lot of people dont understand. They think its an attention seeking ploy but it clearly isnt. I am here if that is any consolation, and although I cant physically take care of you in a childlike way, I am sending you hugs, and a virtual cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream for your inner child. XX

    • I’ve never had anyone accuse me of attention-seeking with DID stuff, but that’s because we’re really good at hiding it. Most of the time, other folks pretend like they’re me if they come out around other people. It’s never really felt safe to let anyone know that we’re around. Even when we were at Sheppard Pratt, nobody would tell our therapist there what their names were. I don’t even know most of their names.

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