I Hate Everything

Fair warning: this whole post is just me ranting and whining like a spoiled entitled bitch.  Feel free to ignore it.

I want to kill people right now.

DMH–the people who said, “We already have 200 clients.  Which of those do you want us to drop so we can serve her?”–sent me a registered letter today.  Like 15 minutes ago.  Saying that if I don’t call them by tomorrow, they’ll deny my application for services.  And the woman I’m supposed to talk to isn’t answering, and her voicemail is full.  And I have five million things to do tomorrow.  Seriously.  I see my psychiatrist and then my gastroenterologist and then my therapist.  I have to switch my voter registration to my new address before the deadline, have a phone interview for food stamps, and go to the food bank if I want to have anything to eat, not that they have much food I can eat to give me.

It’s probably a good thing this woman’s voicemail is full because my message would say something to the effect of, “Look, bitch, you’ve talked to my team leader multiple times, and you know I’m in need of services.  I’ve legally authorized her to speak to you on my behalf, and I know she told you to go through her for stuff.  I don’t fucking know you, and I have an irrational fear of talking to people I don’t know on the phone–something that, you know, is part of my MOTHERFUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS.  Which is why I need services.  But you assholes have clearly demonstrated that you’re more interested in finding excuses to deny me services instead of help me, so go fuck a cactus, bitch.  Preferably one of the poisonous ones.”

I also got a letter from Medicaid denying me transportation to my appointments with my therapist because “provider/facility is outside locality.”  NO FUCKING SHIT.  That’s why I need GODDAMN TRANSPORTATION.  To get to her, I’d have to walk two miles–either along a busy road with no shoulder or along railroad tracks, either one of which could endanger my life.  Then I have to take 3 buses, with layovers where I have to wait outside–and we’ve been having windchills of -15.  Then I have to walk half a mile uphill on a road which is, due to the aforementioned frigid temperatures, icy and dangerous.  And did I mention that I have a bone spur and arthritis in my lumbar spine and sacroiliac joint, which causes significant pain when I’m on my feet for longer than 30 minutes a day?  Or that my severe autoimmune disorder often leaves me so weak that standing for long periods of time is impossible?

It’s too bad none of this happened yesterday, before I went to the forum where I met the current state attorney general who will probably, according to polling data, be our next governor.  She particularly mentioned, more than once, that she wants to increase access to mental health care and decrease the stigma, and I could’ve asked her what she’s doing about bullshit like this.



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7 responses to “I Hate Everything

  1. That is a lot of bad, negative, unfair stuff happening all at once! And that’s an understatement. I’m sorry to hear you are going through all of this, really am. Can you appeal your Medicaid decision? I am on Medicaid and it seems like there is an appeals process for everything. I had to appeal my Working Healthy three times before I received it. Right now it’s just good to let it out. I hope that maybe tomorrow (or the next, because tomorrow sounds quite busy), you are able to sit down with someone who can help advocate for you. My thoughts are with you, m’dear!

    • Yes, I’ll be appealing the Medicaid decision. The therapist is two towns over, less than half an hour by car. The area where I live is just small towns, so it’s not unusual to have to go a town or two over to find a medical specialist. There are few therapists in the area with DID/severe trauma experience and fewer who take my insurance and are taking new patients, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable under those circumstances to go two towns over. That’s why the “provider outside of locality” thing sounds like a load of bullshit to me. But apparently I’ll have to go to a hearing. If I can’t get to a medical appointment on my own, how the hell do they think I’m going to get to a fucking hearing on my own?

      I’m just trying so hard to make my life work under EXTREMELY unfavorable circumstances, and it feels like the people I have to deal with–or rather the agencies–are more interested in throwing up roadblocks than in helping me. And then they wonder why suicide rates are so fucking high. Gee, I dunno.

      (Sorry. I sound angry, I know, but it’s not you I’m angry at.)

  2. wow that sucks! I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope that everything gets settled in your favor soon

  3. When it rains it pours eh? I cannot believe that they denied your application for transport because the facility was too far from your house. … It’s all just red tape and bullshit half the time. (Leaning towards 3/4 really). I still can’t get benefits for Colt who is legally declared disabled by the same government who says he’s not eligible for anything.

    You vent away lady…you have so much to deal with, you need to let the steam escape! xx here if you need to vent more. God knows I’ll need to in about 40 minutes!)

  4. I’m pretty sure you’d have checked into this already, but is there a disabled/Paratransit service where you live? I finally got signed up for one here, and it helps (er, when I have a fucking therapist to see, that’s a different rant, but…) Despite the appearence that you can’t use them if you *can* at all use buses/other public transit, that’s actually not true- it just takes creative wording/emphasis. Not that you need *another* thing to apply for, but….

  5. What a lot of shit to be dealing with hon! That is awful. I know about transport issues, being blind, I need to take a ton of taxi’s, the cost adds up, and I just dont have that kinda money, so I am talking to the social worker on our psychiatrists team tomorrow and hoping against all hope that she can help. If she cant, then it is looking likely I wont be able to access services. I hear your frustration. I hope things start to look up for you soon hon. Xxo

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