No-Win Scenario

I’m fighting sleep.  Lately, every time I sleep, I have nightmares, and I just can’t deal with that.  Last night, it was my mother killing my youngest sister as punishment for something minor–I think she didn’t want to wear a raincoat, or something like that.  I tried to save her, but I wasn’t fast enough, I couldn’t get there in time.  I kept trying to kill myself because I couldn’t live with the guilt of not saving her, but my mother wouldn’t let me die.

I don’t have anything to do tomorrow, so it’s okay if I don’t sleep…except that I hate being awake, too.  There is no escape.

(Wow, way to be melodramatic.  Seriously?)

Therapy today sucked, too.  I was talking about how crappy it feels to not be able to do anything that means anything, and A just wasn’t getting it.  She said something to the effect of, “What if you make getting healthy your purpose?” and I just shut down.  Totally. Not. Getting. It.  I told her that redefining the problem isn’t going to help, and she said it might.

“Yeah, ’cause this is what, George Orwell World?”  I don’t know who said it, but it wasn’t me.  I could hear it, but I was not the one in control.  Then I tried to push everyone else away from the front.  You’d think by now I’d have learned that that isn’t a good idea, but nope, I fall into the same holes.  So then there was this big shoving match in my head, and I got distracted by that instead of what was going on in the world outside my head.

A asked what was going on, and I told her I felt like she didn’t get it.  She kept asking how I knew she wasn’t getting it and how I would know if she was getting it.  I said I didn’t know, but she kept pushing, and that screws with me.  When I’m already struggling, being asked a bunch of questions I can’t answer stresses me out more because I feel like I’m going to get in trouble for not knowing the answers.  I kept wanting to tell her I wanted to leave, to go home, but I couldn’t speak or even move.  So that made for a fun day.

I don’t want to go to therapy anymore.  I don’t want to get out of bed anymore, except for these damn nightmares.  I feel like I just can’t win.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “No-Win Scenario

  1. Motorcycles, Books & Fructose

    Getting healthy with UC definitely isn’t easy. Too bad it wasn’t possible to make someone walk a mile in your shoes.

    I’m sorry about your nightmares. I hope they go away ASAP!

  2. kat

    so sorry. that all sounds so rough. and i just want to let you know—i do get it. i had a similar day today. hope you get some sleep. and hope we both have a better tomorrow.

  3. SORRY YOUR HAVING SO MANY NIGHTMARES, THEY SUCK, WE GET THEM TOO, ALL THE DAMN TIME. HATE THAT SO MUCH. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR T ISNT VERY EXPERIENCED, MAYBE YOU NEED TO EDUCATE HER SOME ON DID AND STUFF.

  4. Oh Hope. My heart is there with you. I so wish you had my therapist. She is great about backing of a subject. If this therapist is not a good fit anymore, find a new one. I changed therapist twice, and psychiatrists four times. I understand the nightmares. They suck!! I often feel like I get no relief from sleeping or in waking hours. I have even started talking in my sleep. That’s a new one. Something that I have found that has helped me a little is music. I have been getting music for my mp3. That keeps my mind engaged on relativity positive happy thoughts for a while and my hands active looking for them as I type. Another is loom knitting. Just yesterday my therapist and I talked about how right now thinking about getting healthy is too overwhelming for me, and that is okay. Keeping my eyes on my small projects that I do right here in bed until I get stronger is okay. I am getting stronger. I was only watching tv with my blankets pulled up to my nose. I hope that today is a better day for you. Though its online just want you know you are cared about and I’m sending you a virtual hug! ~ Hope

    • I just wrote a long comment, then hit the wrong button and *poof* Gone. Grr.

      The gist of it was that there aren’t any other therapists in my area with the necessary experience, and A is great most of the time, so I’m not looking for someone new right now.

      I’ve got plenty of things that usually occupy my mind and my hands, but right now, nothing is holding my attention. I have two knitting projects sitting next to me on the couch, but I can only get through a few rows before I’m distracted and uninterested. I don’t know what my problem is, but I hope it goes away.

  5. It does sound like A wasn’t getting it, at that point in time at least. You wanted her to really understand how you felt, and she was trying to ‘solve it’ for you instead. I think therapists should know better than that. Mine sometimes does similar things, but other times, he does get it, so I keep him around. 🙂 Hope it gets a bit easier for you soon.

    • Most of the time, A is good and gets what I’m saying. But I think with any two people in any relationship, there are always going to be times when one or the other of them doesn’t get it. And god knows I have to ask A for clarification of what she’s saying all the time. I guess it’s not fair, given that, to be frustrated with her for asking me for clarification. Then again, I’m the crazy person, so she’s got more of the burden of…understanding, I guess.

      She does tend to get a bit solve-y sometimes. Not overly so, and she stops when I tell her I don’t need to be fixed. I know it’s hard for people not to want to fix things for others; I’m guilty of it sometimes too. It’s hard to see another person suffer.

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