I’m fighting sleep. Lately, every time I sleep, I have nightmares, and I just can’t deal with that. Last night, it was my mother killing my youngest sister as punishment for something minor–I think she didn’t want to wear a raincoat, or something like that. I tried to save her, but I wasn’t fast enough, I couldn’t get there in time. I kept trying to kill myself because I couldn’t live with the guilt of not saving her, but my mother wouldn’t let me die.
I don’t have anything to do tomorrow, so it’s okay if I don’t sleep…except that I hate being awake, too. There is no escape.
(Wow, way to be melodramatic. Seriously?)
Therapy today sucked, too. I was talking about how crappy it feels to not be able to do anything that means anything, and A just wasn’t getting it. She said something to the effect of, “What if you make getting healthy your purpose?” and I just shut down. Totally. Not. Getting. It. I told her that redefining the problem isn’t going to help, and she said it might.
“Yeah, ’cause this is what, George Orwell World?” I don’t know who said it, but it wasn’t me. I could hear it, but I was not the one in control. Then I tried to push everyone else away from the front. You’d think by now I’d have learned that that isn’t a good idea, but nope, I fall into the same holes. So then there was this big shoving match in my head, and I got distracted by that instead of what was going on in the world outside my head.
A asked what was going on, and I told her I felt like she didn’t get it. She kept asking how I knew she wasn’t getting it and how I would know if she was getting it. I said I didn’t know, but she kept pushing, and that screws with me. When I’m already struggling, being asked a bunch of questions I can’t answer stresses me out more because I feel like I’m going to get in trouble for not knowing the answers. I kept wanting to tell her I wanted to leave, to go home, but I couldn’t speak or even move. So that made for a fun day.
I don’t want to go to therapy anymore. I don’t want to get out of bed anymore, except for these damn nightmares. I feel like I just can’t win.