Empty

Lately I just feel empty. I’m lonely, I’m bored, and nothing holds my interest. I want to do SOMETHING, but I’ll be damned if I know what.

I used to think it would be awesome to wear my pajamas and watch Netflix all day. In reality, it sucks.

I want to work on a campaign. I want to fight with people. I want to get excited. I want to feel like I’m doing something that matters.

It all feeds into my belief that I’m worthless, that my family was right about me all along, that I’m lazy and unmotivated and want everybody else to take care of me. Then I feel like I ought to be dead. I’m not actively suicidal, but I can’t stop thinking that I’m worthless and the world would be better off without me.

I just don’t know how to do anything. By the time I walk the two miles to town, I’m already exhausted and in major pain–and therefore useless to do anything else. I can get transportation for medical appointments, but for everything else, I’m shit outta luck.

I’m alone and useless.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Empty

  1. kat

    im sure youve heard this before, but you are not useless just because you dont have a particular skilset or a job. you are worthy and special and deserve to be here just because you are unique and special and no other human can be who you are or fill your space.

    that said, i do know exactly how you are feeling, as i still feel that way too often. it is easy to feel that you are worthless and lazy when people keep telling you that you are, especially when it come from family. but they cant possibly understand or know what it is like to be in your shoes. so what they say doesn’t amount to a hill of bean. i havent worked in 7 years, for much of that time my mom was ever so eager and ready to remind me how useless i was. i was actively suicidal then. unfortunately i had to end my relationship with her. now i am improved by about 50% (therapy and meds helped also). now i am trying to get the voice in my head to stop telling me i am awful too. maybe when i can change my internal dialog, ill actually be getting somewhere.

    sending soothing and caring thoughts your way

    • It’s not even that I lack the skill set. I have the skill set for working on campaigns. I’ve phonebanked, I’ve canvassed, I’ve tabled, I’ve recruited volunteers, I’ve planned events and parties, I’ve collaborated with other groups, I’ve worked with social media, I’ve learned how to earn media coverage, I’ve talked to lawmakers, I’ve managed data…there’s very little campaign work I haven’t done, and I’m confident that I could learn how to do the rest. I’d be fucking awesome.

      What I lack is the physical stamina. For starters, I’d have to walk 2 miles into town with no sidewalks, risking getting run over by a car or a train. Then take into consideration that campaign events often require being on your feet for extended periods of time. I can’t do that without narcotic painkillers, which make me too stupid to function effectively. I have times when I have to poop RIGHT FREAKIN’ NOW or my bowels will literally explode, and I often have very little warning time. What happens if that happens while I’m tabling at the farmers’ market, where there’s no bathroom? Or in the middle of a phone call?

      Sorry, I think I’m coming across as angry. I am, but not at you–I’m angry that I’m sick for no reason and all the efforts I and my doctors are making aren’t doing much good. I’m angry that I can’t do what makes me happy because of it. I’m angry that there’s no cure. I’m angry because I want somebody to FIX IT, goddammit, and nobody can.

      I don’t talk to my family much anymore. I have only extremely limited contact with my mother and don’t reveal anything substantial about my life because I know she will use it against me later. I haven’t talked to my grandparents in months because they cut me off, and I’m too angry to talk to them without going off. But it doesn’t matter–I still hear all their voices. I have at least two introject parts who are harsh and cruel and enforce all the “rules,” implicit and explicit, that my family taught me. I can’t get those voices out of my head. And a lot of the time, what they say about me seems so true. I’m really not contributing anything to society; I’m just draining away resources that could be better spent on somebody who was doing something that mattered. The good of the many outweighs the good of the one. It makes sense to me, and nothing the hell else does anymore.

  2. I’m so glad you’re not actively suicidal. I don’t know you (obviously!) so I won’t bleat any platitudes, but I will remind you of the stats: the longer you stay alive (i.e. not suicide) the better the odds are that your depression will lift, even without treatment. With treatment, your depression will lift – but I don’t have a timeline for that, I’m afraid!
    So hang in there.
    I hope there’s a kernel somewhere inside you that knows that you are intrinsically unique, infinitely valuable, and that the world would be a poorer place without you.
    May tomorrow be a better day.

    • I think that, right now, the depression is a direct result of my physical illness and the disability it causes. I’ve lived most of my life in a deep dark depression where I didn’t want to do anything because I just didn’t care. Now, emotionally, I’m much better. I actually WANT to be alive, I want to do things, I want to be involved, I want to build a life that feels fulfilling.

      But I can’t because I’m sick all the time. It’s a chronic illness without a cure, and I’m having a hard time with the idea that this may be what the rest of my life looks like. I’m 27 years old, for god’s sake. I’m not supposed to fall apart for another 50 years! But I’m probably going to be like this–or potentially sicker–for the rest of my life, and I don’t know how to live with that.

  3. If there’s one thing I can say that might help, it’s that you do not come across as wanting everyone to take care of you. You are very keen on taking care of your own self, even if a part of you wishes for that softness and compassion you’re supposed to feel when you’re growing up.

    *hugs tight* I know how frustrating it is to not be able to do what you want because your body just won’t work with you. It’s so hard not to give up….

  4. Motorcycles, Books & Fructose

    It’s definitely hard to be active when your in pain and feeling sick. I really struggled with that in college and it was a challenge many days to just keep going. I can imagine that it’s even harder when you don’t have the support of your family.

    Wishing you the best & I hope that you begin to feel better soon.

    • Thanks! I see my GI doc again a week from tomorrow, and I really hope he’s got some more ideas. The only med left I haven’t tried is Remicade–there just aren’t many options for treating UC. I’m less sick than I was when I had my first flare, but I’m nowhere near as healthy as I was before that. I can’t imagine how I’ll deal with a whole lifetime of this.

      • Motorcycles, Books & Fructose

        I really hope he has more ideas for you too. I read an article today about a new medication that is backed by the FDA Advisory Panel: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/12/10/vedolizumab-bowel-disease-crohns-ulcerative-colitis-fda_n_4415306.html

        I’m in the same boat with not knowing how I’ll deal with this for the rest of my life. I hope that we can get it into remission and it stays that way but I’m scared that I’ll have to have my colon out at some point 😦

      • I’ve read about that too. I hope it actually gets approved and lives up to the hype, but I’m always skeptical where the FDA is concerned.

        I’m at the point where I’m seriously considering asking my doc to get rid of my colon. I think an ostomy would be better than being sick all the time.

      • Motorcycles, Books & Fructose

        I can’t blame ya for being skeptical!

        I can only imagine being at the point where you are at. It definitely wouldn’t hurt to talk to your doc about it. I wouldn’t want to be sick all of the time either. It may be the best way for you to take back your life and be able to do what you want to do.

  5. I hope things start to look up for you soon x

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