I am really not okay tonight, and I have no idea why.
I’m incredibly agitated. I can’t settle down, and nothing holds my attention. I can’t sit still. I want to rip my skin off. I want to smash things, break windows, punch holes in the drywall.
I’m obsessing about self-harm because it’s the one thing I know would calm me down and make being conscious at least vaguely tolerable. I haven’t cut in, god, probably four years, but NOTHING else is working right now, and if I can’t get this under control, I’m probably going to do something truly goddamn crazy.
I haven’t taken my sleep meds because I don’t want to sleep. In the three hours of sleep I got last night, I woke up four times from nightmares. I don’t even remember what they were about–I just remember thinking they weren’t bad, so why the fuck was I so scared?
It is taking everything I have to keep from hyperventilating, and there is NO FUCKING REASON. Nothing happened. No triggers. I’m just fucking nuts, and all I can think about is slicing my arms up to make this stop. This never happens. I never get this crazy without knowing why. I think I am truly fucking losing it and I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this night.