What the hell is WRONG with me?

I am really not okay tonight, and I have no idea why.

I’m incredibly agitated. I can’t settle down, and nothing holds my attention. I can’t sit still. I want to rip my skin off. I want to smash things, break windows, punch holes in the drywall.

I’m obsessing about self-harm because it’s the one thing I know would calm me down and make being conscious at least vaguely tolerable. I haven’t cut in, god, probably four years, but NOTHING else is working right now, and if I can’t get this under control, I’m probably going to do something truly goddamn crazy.

I haven’t taken my sleep meds because I don’t want to sleep. In the three hours of sleep I got last night, I woke up four times from nightmares. I don’t even remember what they were about–I just remember thinking they weren’t bad, so why the fuck was I so scared?

It is taking everything I have to keep from hyperventilating, and there is NO FUCKING REASON. Nothing happened. No triggers. I’m just fucking nuts, and all I can think about is slicing my arms up to make this stop. This never happens. I never get this crazy without knowing why. I think I am truly fucking losing it and I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this night.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “What the hell is WRONG with me?

  1. You will make it through this night and many more. I have had crazy shitty nights like this for years and here I am, sitting at a computer, shit basically together, writing you. Things can change for the better. You can change things. Tonight, or tomorrow, or next year, you can start the change. Master your life one day at a time.

  2. Sounds like a generalized panic attack. They are awful. I have those. That is the only kind my Mom has, and they are caused by a chemical imbalance. Atleast ours are. I can usually tell when my panic attacks are chemical imbalance or my ptsd. They feel totally different and the chemical you cannot find a reason to be anxious, ptsd of as you know you have triggers. I hope your system calmed down and you were able to find peace. ~Hope

    • I don’t know. I’ve had panic attacks before–had a LOT of them in high school. With those, there was always, well, panic. Last night was just this intense physical and psychological agitation. I’ll talk to my therapist about it next week, and maybe she’ll have some good ideas.

  3. It also could be someone else wanting to come out. It could be that what you are experiencing is the memories of a part of you that you either don’t recognize or don’t remember. That’s the hard part about DID. When your still a fractured person and don’t have co-consciousness with all the part/parts then sometimes your struggle is related to what one is going through. I know this is neither comforting or helpful but just a thought.
    I use to try several methods to help. My kids liked to color and found that soothing. One of the teenagers would draw artistically and the let the little ones color it in. Sometimes I would sit down and journal. If a part I was unaware of or had not yet learned to be conscious at the same time with would usually take over from there after I wrote some meaningless things. Then sometimes I would attempt to write with my left hand. It would encourage that side of the brain to start working. Reading a journal entry from another part of myself was freaky and scary at first but time eases that. I had an angry cutter as well. He hated me for the longest time because he thought I was weak and should have protected the little ones. Of course at one point we had him sign a contract not to cut me as it was to the point of endangering my life with so much blood loss and then we found there was another cutter. Life as a multiple can be tough and frustrating. I am sorry you are having a rough time of it! Hang in there it does get better.

    • Yeah…it bugs me that I can’t figure out what was going on. I hate how often my own internal experience is a mystery to me. Things got better eventually, but I still haven’t figured out what was happening.

      • Do you have or know your gatekeeper?

      • I don’t know what that is, so…no.

      • Well not all systems work that way. Most multiples I have talked to have someone like that. Someone who knows all the parts and things about them even if the parts don’t know about him/her. My presented as “Black” but at first he was more then just one person because he represented and spoke for others before we all learned how to be in the same room together at the same time. Everyone’s story is different so I don’t know if you have someone like that. I had parts I refused to acknowledge (so they just started stealing my time) but he could convey things between us. He could speak to my therapist and help her navigate through my system. My therapist knew about the kids well before I did because of him. I am sure there are other names and maybe not every system has one. I am only me and know my story and a few others. But after I began to get accustomed to the others Black could clue me in on why I would have this overwhelming emotion when nothing seemed to spark it. He knew who was having trouble and why. That’s how we found the second cutter. Because I was locked up at the time and Aaron had signed a contract to not cut but I lost all privileges because there was a cutting incident and Aaron swore it was not him. I can remember begging the doctors to believe me it wasn’t him. black clues us in to Jesse who was this incident. I hope I am not confusing you! Like I said everyone is different! Just thought I would ask incase you have one that can help

      • I don’t think we have anyone like that, although I couldn’t swear to it. There’s a lot of my system I don’t know.

      • No problem it can be overwhelming at first. I thought I just had two to begin with. If I had known about all the others I would have lost it so I am sure it will come in time

  4. we hear ya, we’re feeling really similar, self harm urges really strong right now, we’re in the hosp so nothing to cut with,hoping you got through the night ok and your safe, sending hugs if ok? ❤ hugs

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