From my journal

Yesterday it took 5 hours to get to A’s.  I was cold and wet and couldn’t get warm, and I was crying because I couldn’t deal with my life and the rain was getting harder.  She kept trying to take care of me.  I let her give me a couple of blankets and a mug of hot water, but I purposely “forgot” about the water, never even touched it.  She asked if I would let her take me home.  It took me a minute, but I nodded.  Then her car wouldn’t start, so she called me a cab and gave me the money to pay for it.  She wanted to make me some soup while I was waiting, but I said no.

Now I feel almost unbearable shame and guilt.  I feel like I manipulated her.  I could’ve gotten home on the bus; it wouldn’t have killed me.  Did I cry to make her feel sorry for me?  I wanted her to rescue me.  I always want somebody to rescue me, but I’m not supposed to want it, I’m not supposed to let anyone actually do it.

But I couldn’t have known what she would offer, could I?  She’s a grown-up, so she can make her own boundaries and decide what she’s willing to do.

But you cried on purpose, didn’t you?  You know you wanted her to feel sorry for you.  You wanted her to save you.  You’re supposed to be a fucking grown-up.  You know you could’ve made it home on your own.  So you would’ve been in pain, so what?  Lots of people are in pain, and they don’t make people take care of them.  You should’ve said no.  You didn’t even argue.

But it should be a good thing that I let her help instead of saying no.

No, you manipulated her.  You were suddenly fine once she said she’d take you home.  That proves you weren’t really upset, you were just being manipulative.

I was relieved.  That’s normal.  If I was suddenly fine afterwards, then why am I such a mess now?

You’re making excuses.  You’re manipulative, and now you owe her.  How are you gonna make that right?

I can’t.  All I can do is be grateful.

You should be ashamed.

I am.

 

The memory that keeps coming up is from 2nd or 3rd grade, shortly after my parents divorced and my mother’s rages really got out of control.  Stupidly, I told her when she yelled, it scared me because I was afraid she’d hurt us (me or my sisters).  She said she’d stop yelling and told me if she did yell again, tell her I was scared and she’d stop.

The next time she yelled, I asked her to please stop yelling because I was scared.  Instead of stopping screaming, she got angrier.  She said she never hurt us, and I just said I was scared she would hurt us to control her.  She screamed and threw kitchen stuff at me.  I remember standing with my back against the wall across from the kitchen door, too scared to move, praying nothing would hit me.  I was so hurt and confused by her accusation.  I hadn’t lied, and I wasn’t trying to hurt her or control her.  I was terrified, and I didn’t want to be anymore.

I ended up even more terrified, with shame and guilt added in.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “From my journal

  1. If you can forget that you cried, do. It’s absolutely okay to accept a little help when you are overwhelmed, even if it feels very wrong inside. I’m proud of you for even being able to express your tears!! I know it feels wrong, but you did just fine. xx

  2. What a painful memory of your mother. Very helpful I would think that you can make the connection between the memory and your current painful response to another’s kindness. I kind of think anyone would want rescue in your predicament with the long pain filled journey to therapy. It doesn’t follow that you manipulated anyone, logically anyhow.

  3. I’m glad you could accept the help. Especially since I’ve read your past blog posts about how hard it’s been for you to just go to therapy, and at least you got home in a easy way and safe and warm. Because you deserve that! 🙂

  4. Wow, I know exactly what you mean, being afraid when someone is yelling hat they will burt you. Your mother BETRAYED you doubly, yes, that word again, but she betrayed your trust because she told you to ask her not to yetll and tell her it scared you, and then she took it out on you and made it even worse, I feel so deeply sorrowful for that terrified little girl you were. How horrible. How deeply terrifying! As for accepting help and comfort from your therapist, I think it was great that she OFFERED,. NO therapist offers more than she can or feels comfortable doing. And she didn’t drive you home, she got you a taxi. I think it was wonderful that you could cry and show that you were so upset. And that she showed a little maternal side and did motherly things to make you feel better. That is all okay. Nothing at all wrong with it. Nothing at all. YOU NEED NOTHERING sometimes. What is wrong with getting it once in a while from your therapist? Really? If you cannot get it there, where else? You do not need to be strong and grown up at every single session. She will let you know if you are regressing and being a “big cry baby” but I don’t think that has happened yet, has it?

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