Canceling

We want to cancel therapy.  Permanently.

I mean, she doesn’t want to hear about us.  Just Hope.  When she tries to bring it up, A says stuff like, “Everyone has parts.”  Well, sure, but not like us, okay?  It’s not the same thing.  At all.  So quit blowing us off.

And she doesn’t get what it’s like for us with other stuff either.  Like the bus trip to see her.  Since we don’t have a team anymore, we don’t have rides anymore.  It takes four buses and three hours each way, and by the end of it we’re in so much pain we can’t function for days after that.  And she’s like, “We can occasionally do a phone session if you can’t make it.”  OCCASIONALLY?  Try EVER, lady.  She knows we’re dealing with chronic pain and chronic illness, but she doesn’t GET it.  I mean, she made Hope say she’d go out every day even though she knew how hard it is for us to get anywhere, and if we went back she’d probably be mad cause we didn’t even leave the house.  But whatever.

It’s not like we’re actually getting anywhere or anything.  We don’t even talk about anything that matters most of the time.  So what’s the point of spending 6 hours getting there and back home and causing ourself more pain?  There’s no point in that.

She’ll disappear eventually anyway, just like everybody else.  That’s what always happens.  People don’t stick around I guess cause we’re difficult or something, I don’t know.  So this time we’re gonna disappear before she does.  Just call and cancel the next appointment and then just never go back.  I just hope she doesn’t actually answer the phone cause if she does, then she’ll get us to come back and we’ll feel guilty and then we’ll be stuck going even though there’s no point.

I know everybody’s gonna tell me it’s stupid to stop going or say just find a different therapist.  I tried, believe me.  We spent 6 months trying to find somebody and had really bad experiences with 3 different therapists.  One even sent us to the ER when we dissociated even though she’d SAID she’d dealt with people like us before.  Everybody near us who deals with DID either doesn’t take our insurance or isn’t taking any new patients.  So we’re just shit outta luck cause not everyone is lucky enough to be able to just find a better therapist like it’s no big deal.  So maybe I’m being stupid but I don’t care anymore.

willow

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “Canceling

  1. You are making sense. Six hours is too much for anyone to travel, let alone if you have pain issues.

    I’m surprised your T isn’t seeing the difficulty.

    As to going out, would she really judge you so harshly if you can’t do that? I think therapy clients are often resolving to do things we just can’t manage yet – it’s not a cause for guilt.

    Also, I sometimes go to a self-help group that at least helps make me feel more connected to people, though it’s not therapy.

    Or Skype sessions?

    My therapist also made the comment to me recently that ‘everyone has parts’. I had a similar reaction to you – it’s pretty different. But I also know he was saying that to try and help me feel less like a very strange person with a horrible disorder – that was the context. Could be your T had a similar motivation for what she said.

    • No, I don’t think she’d actually be angry at us for not going out. That’s something that happens almost entirely in our head. Most of the time we know it doesn’t match external reality, but it’s so real to us that even when we know people don’t hate us, we can’t believe it. I’m not explaining it very well…it’s like two very similar realities overlapping, and we see both and live in both, and it’s hard to tell which reality is realest. (Okay, sorry, that sounds nuts. It’s hard to explain.) I think a lot of it has to do with introject parts who repeat the hateful things our family told us about being a failure.

      I think with A, there are a couple problems going on. First of all, she isn’t seeing the intensity of our distress most of the time. A lot of that is on us–we’ve been programmed for so long not to show it that we feel like we physically CAN’T reveal it. We want to wave our arms and say, “Hey! We’re not okay! This is really hard/painful/scary/triggering/etc.! Pay attention!” But it feels literally impossible, so we end up feeling unseen/unheard and very alone. I think that triggers a desire to quit because it’s easier to be alone by yourself than alone in a room with another person.

      Second, it feels like she’s ignoring the DID, ignoring us. She knows that we mapped out our system to the best of our knowledge while we were at Sheppard Pratt, but she’s never asked about it or asked to see it. She never asks about all of us, or anyone but Hope. And that really hurts. And again, it feels like we can’t communicate that to her, so we’re stuck. I think a combination of that and the feeling unnoticed in our distress is why we don’t feel like we’re moving forward in therapy. Some of us want to tell her all this, but it just feels so terrifying and impossible. I think we’re afraid of her getting mad and hating us, which goes back to what I was saying at the beginning.

      I’ve looked for support groups in my area and come up empty-handed. I love most aspects of the area where I live, but it’s frustrating because there are so few resources. The only groups I found for mental health were either groups you have to pay for or groups for people with specific diagnoses I don’t have. I also looked for support groups for IBD or chronic illness in general, but there’s nothing.

      I really feel like we should talk to A about all this, but I also feel the sense of hopelessness and futility very strongly from willow and some of the others, and a lot of resistance associated with that. There’s a fear that A still won’t get it, and then we’ll feel even more hopeless and alone. There’s also fear of breaking the rules about silence imposed by our introjects, who have a powerful grip on the system. We need to talk about it, but how do we even get to a point where we can?

      Sorry this turned into a novel. It should probably be its own post.

      Anna/Hope

  2. I don’t think youre being stupid, it IS hard, and I don’t even have a chronis illness. Is there a way that you can get a taxi compensation?
    Skype sessions might be an option like Ellen said.
    I believe you’ve tried to find a therapist, the best way you could. But I also think you do need someone.. and not disappear.
    Take care!

    • I don’t know of any way I could get compensation for a cab. I’ve been trying to get a case manager through the Department of Mental Health who might help with things like that, but they’re being less than helpful. The guy from DMH actually said, “We already have 200 clients. Which of them do you want me not to serve so I can give you services?” So I doubt they’re gonna do shit to help me.

      Not disappearing is overrated. I’m pretty sure most people would be happier if I did, or they wouldn’t notice I was gone. And I don’t really care enough to be motivated to leave the house. I just don’t care.

      willow

      • “We already have 200 clients. Which of them do you want me not to serve so I can give you services?”

        Iunno, maybe they could squeeze someone else in if they fired him and hired someone less crap? I mean, that line is complete bs. It’s like: “What, you expect me to do my job? How dare you!”

        As for the difficulties with finding someone, while relatively lucky with my therapist, I do feel you in general. My psych keeps demonstrating that she just doesn’t get it. And by it, I mean, anything about my background despite being told. Not even the DID, since we haven’t told her about that. I mean, just a basic understanding of a childhood in which various needs aren’t met — or even that this might happen.

      • Yeah, it was complete assholery. But it makes it feel like there’s no point in even trying. It taps into all my childhood stuff about not deserving anything and being too needy, and that just shuts me down. I haven’t yet figured out how to get around our shutdowns.

        It makes me angry that so many of us have so much trouble finding doctors and therapists who get trauma. Okay, DID is fairly uncommon and sort of a niche specialty, but trauma in general is so pervasive that there’s no excuse for them not to understand at least the basics of its effects and how to help people affected by it.

  3. Hi there. I really feel for you. I just wrote an insanely long comment to you, which I then realized I should make into a post rather than dump it on you. But what I really wanted to get across was that your feelings are valid; it’s okay to have your own opinion about what treatment a therapist should provide. It bothers me that your therapist doesn’t want to hear about all of you and says dismissive things about your multiplicity.

    I’m sorry your current therapist is so lacking and the commute is so taxing on you. What a hard situation. I hope you find another means to get support and insight. Traditional therapy may not be the only option. I hope you find someone who listens, even if it’s “just” a friend.

    • Thank you. Validation helps a lot. A lot of the time I feel like I can’t even articulate my distress, so I just feel crazy.

      I’m usually very okay with having opinions. In fact, there are a lot of people who wish I’d shut up about my opinions. But for some reason, it’s very hard for me to communicate my opinions about therapy to my therapist. Not just with A–it’s always been like this with therapists. It makes me so frustrated with myself because I know I need to say something, but I just can’t. It should be so easy, and parts are yelling at me to just spit it out already. I feel like such a failure when I can’t, like if I’d just try harder I could. I hear the introjects telling me that I’m just making excuses for my failure.

      Have you found other means of support that have helped you? (If you feel comfortable sharing.) I’ve participated on and off with some DID forums, and I have my blog…but I feel like I need structure and someone gently pushing me to do the work. I don’t have the motivation internally–I need outside help to be able to overcome the internal resistance. So I’m at a loss about finding support other than therapy.

      • I came a long, long road with the help of my partner, who has known and worked with other multiples. She is something of a therapist herself and has even been asked to speak at universities — despite the fact that she is entirely self-educated. So I’m very lucky. We create our own therapy techniques (and my real, professional therapist completely supports what we do). My partner is very down to earth and raw — she calls her way of doing things “redneck therapy”. But it works, for me anyway, and that’s the point — finding something that works for you specifically. What are your goals, and what do you think will make you and your system happy? If you can answer that, you’re way ahead of the professionals.

        I’m not advocating that you go it alone. Do you have a good friend who knows about your parts and is comfortable talking with them? What we all need is “tough love”, the gentle push, the physiotherapist who makes us walk when it hurts. That person doesn’t have to be a trained therapist. Therapists in general don’t know much about DID, and seem to have trouble self-educating themselves about it. I like to think that with a good friend to help you stay on track and with resources for different therapy tools (a good self-help book might do), you can heal yourself.

        If you don’t have a friend that will nudge you to do the work (somehow I’ve been blessed with several people who would have walked down this road with me, and I’m pretty antisocial), you might need a professional, but not to give you the answers — just to nudge you. That means you can look for different kinds of professionals who might be open to helping you help yourself. There’s people out there calling themselves “life coaches” now. All you need is someone who doesn’t have an agenda and wants to help you do the work alongside you.

        I guess this might be radical advice? I don’t know. I’m the type of person who doesn’t believe the physicists and instead tries to figure out the universe for herself. It’s a weird way of life but it’s working really well for me, so what’s the harm?

      • I’m a fan of radical approaches. The mainstream approach to mental health has never done me much good.

        I don’t have any friends I can talk to about DID stuff. I don’t really have friends, just friendly acquaintances. I’m apparently incapable of getting beyond that point with people. The only people I talk to about this stuff are people who are paid to deal with it.

        I can’t really turn to life coaches, etc., because I can’t afford it. My insurance won’t cover stuff like that, and there’s no way I could afford it out of pocket. I already have more medical bills than I’ll ever be able to pay off.

        I know there must be a workable solution somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it.

  4. kat

    im so sorry for all you are going through for therapy. i agree with you that A is not doing any good, especially if she can’t understand DID. if you can find a therapist you would like to try, you can ask if the therapist will work with you on payments (since they will not be in your insurance) and you can also ask your insurance if they will make an exception and cover this therapist since you can’t find one in network who can work with DID. and don’t stop working on getting help through the Dept of Mental Health, or any other resources out there that might be useful.

    This is really really disheartening. I don’t blame you at all for wanting to give up. could you maybe ask your psychiatrist or regular doctor for suggestions of therapists? i am so sorry you are in this situation–it really sucks. keep trying to get what you need and know that we are out here rooting for you. you deserve to get good help.

    • I have Medicare and Medicaid, and they won’t do out of network. I’ve gone through literally every therapist in a 50-mile radius who has experience with trauma. If I could afford to move to Boston, I’d have a lot more options, but western Mass is a desert.

      I think we’ve been unfair to A. She’s not a bad therapist–I just feel like we’re not doing therapy in a way that’s constructive given where we are right now. Feeling guilty because I feel like I’ve made her sound bad and she’s not.

      Hope
      (sorry for the switch-fest today)

      • kat

        oh i do see—i am on a medicare advantage plan and also on medicaid. here in az, medicaid contracts all their mental health to magellan, and magellan mental health providers accept the medicare/medicare replacement plan as first payor and then the remainder is paid for by magellan (as contractor for state medicaid). so, i am forced to stay within the magellan network of providers to have both medicare and medicaid pay 100%. if i go outside of magellan, then medicare will pay their share and i would have to pay the remainder (which for mental health under medicare is around 50% covered).

        i don’t think you made her sound bad, just not very helpful or knowledgeable of DID and what you need from a therapist at this time.

        anyway, wishing you good luck!

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