I am terrified all the time lately.  As of January 1, I lost my support team, everybody except my therapist, A, who isn’t part of the program I’m in.  And I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep seeing her because now that I’ve had to move, it will take me several hours and four buses to get to her office even though it’s only a 30-minute drive.  I just don’t think I have the physical stamina to do that twice a week.


And I’m terrified that I can’t cope on my own.  I lie in bed and panic, hoping I’ll go back to sleep because then I don’t have to think about it.  I haven’t left the apartment.  Right now I have the excuse of the major snowstorm that hit us, but that excuse won’t hold up for very long.  Then again, there’s no one left in my life that I need the excuses for.  There’s no one to notice that I’m not around.


I feel like there’s no one left who cares about me.  I know that’s not fair because there are people who care.  Even in my town, there are plenty of people I’ve met through campaigns and so forth who I keep in touch with.  I’m just so bad at letting anyone in that they have no idea how bad things are right now.  It’s my own fault.


But I’m still terrified.



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15 responses to “Terror

  1. Have you talked about the fear you might not be able to see her with her? Maybe you could work out talking on the phone or something. I’m wishing you all the best and hope that things will ease up for you.

    • No, I haven’t, really. For a while I thought I was going to have to move to Manhattan with my SO, so we talked about it in that context. But I haven’t seen her since I’ve moved. Also, I have this fear of seeming too needy or whining too much. I know that’s not how A would see it, but the messages from inside my head are much stronger than anything from outside my head.

  2. I know how scary it can be to lose support. And moving is so disorienting also. It sounds like you will need to find new supports in the new place. Once you get acclimatized. Some phone sessions, maybe to transition to someone more accessible, do seem called for. Hang in there.

    • Team tried and tried to find other supports. Department of Mental Health guy told me and my team leader, “We already have 204 clients. Which one do you want us not to serve so we can give you services?” So they’re clearly not gonna do squat, and I can’t afford anything else. As for therapists, it took me 9 months and 3 bad therapists to find this one. I live in a mostly-rural area, and there aren’t many options. It’s pretty much this or nothing. And honestly, right now, nothing seems like the best option. I can just hide in my apartment and not deal with anything. Probably not the best approach, but I just feel like there’s nothing else I can manage right now.

  3. That sounds very frightening. However, this is not all of your fault. Please try to care for yourself even in this difficult time.

  4. I’m sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Switching or losing members of treatment teams has always been so hard for me. I have a hard time reaching out when I feel lost in the darkness, that no one wants to deal with me and I’m just bringing others down, when I start to feel myself slipping I ask certain friends and acquaintances to call and check on me, if they ask I will most likely be honest or at least have someone to talk to yet I can’t bring myself to call myself.
    I hope you are feeling better soon.

  5. I was thinking of you last night while I was up in the wee hours of the morning. I knew your ‘time limit’ was up sometime in January and hoped you were okay. I know you can totally hold your own but it must be throwing your head for a spin. 😦 It must be so scary.

    • Thanks. ❤ I'm holding on, but it is hard. I feel so alone now. B is in NYC now, and I've lost a team that had become more like a weird little family to me. I still have my therapist, but I'm worried that I will lose her, too, because it's just too hard to get to her office. Three buses and then a mile-long uphill walk–there are a lot of days I'm not physically capable of that. And there really are no other options–I've been through every therapist in the valley who deals with dissociative clients.

      Then I start thinking my grandfather is right: I've become too dependent. It's incredibly fucking hard for me to need things, and I find myself wanting to cut everyone off to prove that I'm not dependent, that I can stay alive on my own. Like emotional support anorexia. And actual anorexia is looking more appealing than it should, too. That always happens when I feel too needy.

      • I play the same game with myself when I start to get overwhelmed too. Eating, at least, you can control entirely. I think your grandfather doesn’t take the internal stresses you face every moment of every day into account. It’s one thing to depend on things you want and take things because you feel like it and another to be dependant on coping mechanisms. Your team was your fallback…if you slid too far down they would be there to help you back up. It’s not easy losing that support…I’m sure it’s harder than never having had it in the first place.

        I push folks away too, when I feel useless. Why is B in NY? Is that where he lives? (stupid question maybe…sorry). I wish he could be a source of comfort and stability for you. I don’t trust anyone in the world but I’d still rather go home to D and feel like I’m a tiny part of something.

        Thinking of you. xoxox Please remember, you can always write me if you need a friend. I’ll be there. x

      • B moved to NYC at the end of December. He loves it there, and he got into NYU.

        But who am I kidding? I wouldn’t talk to him about my problems anyway. I don’t want to stress him out.

      • That makes things so hard, when you have to worry about how other’s feel about how you feel…Blech. Do I ever know that. Ah well…maybe break him in slowly. 😦 So you’re living on your own now? How frightening to be flung into things like that.

      • I actually prefer to live alone, but I have roommates who are moving in on the 12th. What’s frightening is being without the support I’ve had previously. I’m not all alone–I still get to see my team leader through February, and I’m still going to run my knitting group. But it’s a lot less support than I’ve had for a long time.

  6. This state you’re in now Isn’t your own fault. You have a flood of chemicals running thru your system and that affects your actions and moods. You have a lot more power here than you’re giving yourself credit for. Just the fact that you can write so well about it is proof to me that you have inner resources that you’re just not using yet. Sometimes it takes a crisis to pull these other things out of us and let them have their way. Trust in yourSelf and you’ll be OK. Other people are helpful it’s true but it always comes down to Us taking care of ourSelves. You can do it, tho I hope you get your support system back soon or a new one that takes good care of you. I know it’s not easy but try to hang in there and wait it out. It always changes and in time it will shift for you and it’ll be different. I don’t know when that will be but I hope it’s good for you.
    All the best,

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