I am terrified all the time lately. As of January 1, I lost my support team, everybody except my therapist, A, who isn’t part of the program I’m in. And I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep seeing her because now that I’ve had to move, it will take me several hours and four buses to get to her office even though it’s only a 30-minute drive. I just don’t think I have the physical stamina to do that twice a week.
And I’m terrified that I can’t cope on my own. I lie in bed and panic, hoping I’ll go back to sleep because then I don’t have to think about it. I haven’t left the apartment. Right now I have the excuse of the major snowstorm that hit us, but that excuse won’t hold up for very long. Then again, there’s no one left in my life that I need the excuses for. There’s no one to notice that I’m not around.
I feel like there’s no one left who cares about me. I know that’s not fair because there are people who care. Even in my town, there are plenty of people I’ve met through campaigns and so forth who I keep in touch with. I’m just so bad at letting anyone in that they have no idea how bad things are right now. It’s my own fault.
But I’m still terrified.