I’ve been gone.
I don’t really have any good explanation as to why. Nothing dramatic or remarkable happened–I guess I just got tired of hearing my voice. I still am, really, but I’m more tired of being alone. So here I am again.
I’m at the tail end (I hope) of another UC flare. Wound up at the ER on morphine when my gastroenterologist tried to take me off steroids. He put me back on those and upped my 6-MP, and I’m finally doing better after about a month. I also spent that whole month fighting my insurance about authorizing Zofran, which is important because both the flare and the 6-MP make me nauseous. I finally got approved for 15 a month, even though it’s supposed to be every six hours–you can do the math there.
I still don’t have a place to live, and I have to be out of my place by December 31. I’ve barely even started packing, so that’s fun. I did meet a couple, J and N, friends of a friend, who also need a place to live, so we’re looking for a 2 bedroom apartment. But budget is a big problem. J is also on disability, and N is temporarily out of work because of a severe burn. So we need something that’s under $900, and there’s just not much. What there is within our budget is, well, not somewhere you want to live. We looked at one that smelled like dead fish, had a bathtub that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned since 1950, and still cost $895 a month. We’ve also got to have somewhere on a bus line that runs frequently because none of us can afford a car, and the bus service out here is spotty. There are much cheaper places to live out in the hill towns, but there’s no public transit. I just don’t know how we’re going to make this work.
I think I have to get a part time job, which scares the shit out of me. I’ve always struggled with work because I can’t deal with stress. At all. Literally, the last time I was working, my coping method was to go to the bathroom and cut on myself until I felt like I could go back and deal with people. The jobs I’m going to be able to get with my situation are going to be stuff like food service or retail, which are going to be really stressful for me. I mean, in an ideal world, I’d be able to get a paid gig on a campaign, but I don’t even know how you do that. I mean, do I just send a resume to campaign directors or something? No one tells you these things, and my impression is that campaign jobs are mostly by invitation.
I’m also terrified I’d screw up somehow and lose my disability. The rules are so complicated, and if you screw up, there goes your disability. I can’t afford to lose that. There’s no way I could work enough to survive without the disability money. Everything is just so stressful, and life feels like it’s more than I can handle. But what choice do I have?