Wow.

Apparently my mother is getting married. In three weeks. And she wants me to come to Florida for the wedding.

 

If it were just her, I wouldn’t go. The woman is a pathological narcissist (diagnosed by the guy who started McLean’s trauma unit) who verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abused me for most of my life. There’s a very good reason why we live 1400 miles away from her.

 

But my sisters will be there. The middle one I haven’t seen in three years, and I haven’t seen my baby sister for 5 years. I miss them SO much. I checked prices for the train, and I could get a round-trip ticket for $300. It’ll really stretch my budget, but I think it’s doable.

 

I just don’t know if it’s going to make things worse for me and for parts inside. I have a whole group of alters who were created to deal with my mother, in a whole variety of responses. What if they get triggered and come out and I say something terrible?

 

When I’m around my mother or grandparents (who might also be there), my grip on reality goes away–I start thinking I really AM this horrible, manipulative, too-needy crazy person who’s faking everything for attention or so she doesn’t have to grow up and be self-reliant. I start thinking my mother was a good mother; I was just being crazy to think she was abusive.

 

I don’t want that to happen. I’m in a much better place emotionally than I was the last time I saw them, but I’m not sure I’m in a good enough place that I’d be okay. But I want to see my sisters so much. I don’t know what to do.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “Wow.

  1. Bourbon

    Can you arrange to see your sisters but another day? It doesn’t seem worth rocking the boat of your stability to go to the mothers wedding when you don’t want to go for her at all. Perhaps you can meet with your sisters the day after or something.

    • I don’t want to put my sisters in a position to lie for me. We had to do that all the time as kids, and it’s not a pattern I want to repeat, you know?

    • I don’t want to make my sisters lie for me, you know? It’s a too-familiar pattern from our pasts that I don’t want us to have to repeat, but my family would have a cow (possibly a herd) if I came and didn’t see them.

      I’m pretty good at creating an emotional buffer between my mother and myself. I’d only go for a few days, so I think I could handle it.

  2. Red

    I agree with Bourbon, if possible forgo the wedding and just spend time with your sisters.

  3. Good advice from Bourbon. Maybe you could see your sisters without having to worry about the rest of them? I didn’t do so well, confronting my whole (foster) family at my sister’s wedding but then, it was smack in the middle of a very bad time for me. Follow your heart…do what’s best for you in the end. xx

    • I guess I feel like I can justify the travel expenses just to see my sisters–my needs/wants don’t matter, but the wedding gives me an excuse. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but that’s how it goes with my brain.

      I’m not planning any confrontations, just polite avoidance. I’d only go for 2 or 3 days. I think it would be manageable.

      • Oh…yes I do understand how the wedding would be a good excuse to go financially and emotionally. If you think you’ll be okay, go for it. I just don’t want you to feel pressured or have to worry about dealing with flashbacks and the like. Seeing my family together in one place after years apart really messed with my head.

        I hope you are having a decent day today. (hugs)

  4. Cat

    I would agree with Bourbon. Sometimes, being in touch with those that caused so much pain is not good for us. That’s not to say you cannot ever deal with her in the future.
    You can only do what you feel will be right for you

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