Apparently my mother is getting married. In three weeks. And she wants me to come to Florida for the wedding.
If it were just her, I wouldn’t go. The woman is a pathological narcissist (diagnosed by the guy who started McLean’s trauma unit) who verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abused me for most of my life. There’s a very good reason why we live 1400 miles away from her.
But my sisters will be there. The middle one I haven’t seen in three years, and I haven’t seen my baby sister for 5 years. I miss them SO much. I checked prices for the train, and I could get a round-trip ticket for $300. It’ll really stretch my budget, but I think it’s doable.
I just don’t know if it’s going to make things worse for me and for parts inside. I have a whole group of alters who were created to deal with my mother, in a whole variety of responses. What if they get triggered and come out and I say something terrible?
When I’m around my mother or grandparents (who might also be there), my grip on reality goes away–I start thinking I really AM this horrible, manipulative, too-needy crazy person who’s faking everything for attention or so she doesn’t have to grow up and be self-reliant. I start thinking my mother was a good mother; I was just being crazy to think she was abusive.
I don’t want that to happen. I’m in a much better place emotionally than I was the last time I saw them, but I’m not sure I’m in a good enough place that I’d be okay. But I want to see my sisters so much. I don’t know what to do.