Done.

I’m done.

 

Clearly my needs don’t matter, so I’m done having them.  I’m cancelling the GI appointment for Friday.  I’ll tell them I can’t make it.  It’s my body, and I can screw it up if I damn well want to.  Nobody else gets a say anymore.  If they can’t be bothered to show up and take me to appointments they made without my permission, then they don’t have a right to object to me canceling appointments.

 

I’m thinking about not showing up for my shift tomorrow either.  I don’t want to fucking deal with any of them.  In team meeting today, nurse kept asking if I forgave her.  I said yes even though I hated myself for it as it was coming out of my mouth.  I’m such a fucking pushover.  I can’t get mad at people.

 

So instead I’m just going to sabotage my own life.  It’s one of the very few things I’m good at, and I’ve been told you should use your talents.  Sabotaging and hating myself seem to be my only talents anymore, and I’m too fucking sick of myself to fight it anymore.  I don’t even fucking want to be alive.

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Done.

  1. It sounds like you’re taking your anger that should be focused on other people and things and aiming it directly at yourself, you don’t deserve that. You deserve to be at peace and be free to tell people how you actually feel, i know how desperate it feels when it all wells up inside you and you get overwhelmed by your own self hatred but it will pass, you just need to find a way to work through whatever issues are behind these feelings. I hope you get through it soon, all the very best

    • “Deserve” followed by anything good is a major issue for me. I was taught from the time I was a very small child that all I deserve is hatred, abuse, and pain. At this point I think it’s probably coded into my brain, and I can no more change that belief than change my eye color. I know it’s fucked up, but a lot of the time, I believe it. A lot of the time it’s the only thing that makes any sense to me. If I don’t have that–the guilt and shame and self-hatred and self-inflicted punishments–my world just falls apart because nothing makes sense. The atoms lose cohesion, and the world’s just a cloud of senseless particles.

      Believe me, I’ve tried to work through the issues. It doesn’t help. There are too many, and they’re too deeply ingrained. I wish I could believe something else, but I don’t think that’s really possible.

      • I grew up being abused, told i was useless, not worth anything, I was abandoned and left by my mother. I understand what you mean by feeling like it’s coded into you, but you have more power over yourself than you believe. It takes a lot of time, and for me i wasn’t capable of truly dealing with my issues till the age of 31, i’m 32 now and still trying, so it’s a long road but you ARE worth something, it may take you a long time to believe that but it’s true.

  2. I hope this passes soon. It doesn’t sound like very much fun. Have you tried playing one of those computer games where you get to blow things up or kill monsters or something? I’m not really kidding about that, a silly as it sounds. It’s a much safer place to be angry.

    It’s hard to be so dependent on others, isn’t it?

    Take care.

    • I’m not a visual processor, so video/computer game violence doesn’t do anything for me. I’m an auditory/tactile processor. Usually, my coping skill is to go to my kung fu school and hit the hell out of pads, and yelling is encouraged. I have literally put my foot through a pad. (In my defense, it was old and close to death anyway.) I hate that the UC has taken that away from me too.

      I just can’t do this anymore. I hate myself too much, and it’s constant. This is not how life is supposed to be.

  3. I hate the lessons we have to learn at the hands of others. 😦

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