Clearly my needs don’t matter, so I’m done having them. I’m cancelling the GI appointment for Friday. I’ll tell them I can’t make it. It’s my body, and I can screw it up if I damn well want to. Nobody else gets a say anymore. If they can’t be bothered to show up and take me to appointments they made without my permission, then they don’t have a right to object to me canceling appointments.
I’m thinking about not showing up for my shift tomorrow either. I don’t want to fucking deal with any of them. In team meeting today, nurse kept asking if I forgave her. I said yes even though I hated myself for it as it was coming out of my mouth. I’m such a fucking pushover. I can’t get mad at people.
So instead I’m just going to sabotage my own life. It’s one of the very few things I’m good at, and I’ve been told you should use your talents. Sabotaging and hating myself seem to be my only talents anymore, and I’m too fucking sick of myself to fight it anymore. I don’t even fucking want to be alive.