Can’t I Count on ANYONE?

So mad I can’t even think straight right now.

I was supposed to have an appointment with the GI NP this morning at 8:45, and the psych nurse from my team was supposed to take me. She made the appointment without even asking me first, which was already frustrating.

So she was supposed to pick me up at 8:30. At 8:25, I was outside waiting. I can’t stand up straight or the pain gets worse, but I was out there anyway. Oh, and it was raining, too. And I’m waiting…and waiting. Called her once; no answer. Called my team leader, but she doesn’t have a cell phone, so I had to leave a message on her office phone. Called nurse again; still no answer. Texted her; no answer. I waited out there in the rain for 25 minutes, and she never showed.

Then, of course, as soon as I went back inside, then she calls. She said she’d call the GI office and see if they could fit me in, and she’s coming to get me. On the way over there, the office calls me back. The only time they can fit me in is smack dab in the middle of our therapy session, which I now NEED to deal with the anger, since that’s supposedly better than throwing things at people. I told the receptionist I couldn’t make it then. The next appointment they have is Friday afternoon. I said I’d take it, but I’ll have to cancel if I can’t get a ride that will actually show the hell up.

Nurse was apologizing. Said she’d been up sick all night and totally forgot about the appointment. Well, guess what? I was up sick last night too. And the night before that, and the night before that, and the night before that. And yet I still managed to get up and dressed and out of the apartment on time. I’m sleep deprived and feel like crap too, but I set two alarm clocks ten minutes apart to make sure I’d get up. It’s not that goddamn hard.

I’m just really fucking sick of people not doing what they say they’ll do. It’s not like I like having to rely on people to take me places, but I can’t afford a car. And I’m supposed to trust that these people are gonna find me a place to live come January? Yeah fucking right. They’re just gonna cut and run like fucking everyone else, and I’m gonna end up living under a bridge. That’s what you get for trusting people. It was stupid to even think about trusting them. I thought I’d finally found people who were different but apparently I’m just an idiot. Nobody cares enough to make sure I’m taken care of. I don’t really matter to anybody in real life.

I’m just so far past fucking done.  I want to go to my kung fu and hit things, but I can’t stand up straight.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Can’t I Count on ANYONE?

  1. Rose

    Unfortunately, the most correct answer is, no, you can’t count on anyone but yourself. What I have learned over the years is that, if you are incredibly lucky, you may have a few people come into your life that you can rely on, but you will have learned by that time to trust oh-so-tenuously, and you aren’t able to actually appreciate it. I hope for you that someone like that does come into your life and that, when they do, you are able to accept their help. It’s no small feat.

  2. Rose

    Unfortunately, the most correct answer is, no, you can’t count on anyone but yourself. What I have learned over the years is that, if you are incredibly lucky, you may have a few people come into your life that you can rely on, but you will have learned by that time to trust oh-so-tenuously, and you aren’t able to actually appreciate it. I hope for you that someone like that does come into your life and that, when they do, you are able to accept their help. It’s no small feat.

  3. :(. That sucks and was irresponsible of the nurse. I hope you can make the therapy Friday and are feeling a little more at peace. I had my case manager cancel today and needed the session, so I sort of know how you feel about moving an appointment you needed.

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