Triggered

Really not okay since therapy this morning. Normally I’d call my team leader, but she’s away on vacation. I don’t really feel like I could talk about this with the other people on my team. And it’s almost the weekend, and I’ll be all alone.

I tried taking a nap. I tried knitting. I tried watching DVD’s. I tried playing dumb iPhone games. I tried reading. I tried looking at pictures of cute baby animals. I tried taking a PRN. I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to do, and none of it’s helping.

My head is all chaos and I have a pounding headache that Tylenol doesn’t touch and someone in my head–maybe me, I don’t even know anymore–wants to slice me up because then the feelings would stop.

I wanted to stop freaking out in therapy this morning. I knew I could–I’m good at shutting down feelings, but I didn’t really want to do that. I wanted to survive it and let it pass without doing any lasting damage. That’s what I really want. I keep getting told that the feelings pass, but they never seem to for me. Or at least, it takes a hell of a lot longer for me than other people.

I keep thinking I’m faking it for attention but then why couldn’t I even keep my eyes open. Name three red things in the room, five purple things, four brown things. That’s all she was asking me to do. If I made it all up, then why did that freak me out so much I couldn’t do it?

But why would that freak me out? Why would that freak anyone out? It happened at Sheppard Pratt a bunch of times too. It was terrifying and overwhelming, but I felt like my therapist there would get mad at me if I didn’t do what she said. She’d just keep pushing and pushing, so I’d name whatever things in the room she asked, but there was this rage because she didn’t understand how terrifying it was and I couldn’t tell her. Somebody HATED her, wanted to scream at her whenever she made us open our eyes.

I don’t understand it.

I don’t understand most of what’s going on right now. I think I know what set all these bad feelings off, but I don’t know what the feelings are or why I’m having this specific reaction or how I can survive it.

I just know I hate this.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Triggered

  1. Sounds like a really hard day 😦 I hope things have calmed…I carry feelings for long periods of time too, when I really feel them. Maybe this is … progress …somehow? A part of you is maybe expressing that terror you didn’t feel as a child? Anger? (I don’t know…I wish I did). xx

    • Somewhat better this morning, but still pretty rattled and shaky.

      I’m not sure what to make of yesterday. I was talking about my relationship with Bob, including the major issues I have with any sort of physical touch/intimacy. I thought I was doing okay, and then toward the end of the session, I was suddenly not okay at all. I know a big part of it was that A said something about learning to feel completely safe, and that felt threatening.

      Then at home I was trying to distract myself. I ran across a video posted with no trigger warning that was very reminiscent of a huge trauma memory. And the video was treated like a joke, which made it even more not okay. I tried all my healthy coping skills, but nothing helped. It was not a good night.

      • Oh yeah, I can see how exhausting and frightening that must have been. It seems to happen that way often for me too…one thing sets me off then everything starts to fall out of place. 😦 I’m glad you’re a little more settled now. Maybe a quiet day will help calm the turmoil a little more. xo Thinking of you.

  2. I’m so sorry for all the pain you are in.

    I’m not sure where you are at in your healing, but my wife, the host, still cannot process emotions very well, but I’ve found that the insiders can. So I’ve been teaching them to “wrap their arms” around Karen to help her process them. But we’re nearing the end of things I think, so that may not help.

    Another thing that helped in the beginning (besides me giving them lots of hugs) was the little girls loved when Karen taught children’s classes in church or they would play with their niece. I don’t know if you are aware of attachment theory, but it has really guided our healing journey, and what it taught me as I helped my wife is the power of “safe hugs” to calm all of us down. Maybe there’s someone that can be that for you: a source of safe hugs.

    Wishing you well.

    Sam

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