Hope and Trust

I started the Humira yesterday. No improvement yet, but it’s still early. The GI doc was really hopeful that it’ll put me into remission.

I saw my psychiatrist this morning. Several weeks ago, he had me do a stool and saliva sample to ship off to a lab that does a detailed GI panel. Most of it was unremarkable–no parasites, no food allergy antibodies (but I was already on such a restricted diet that you wouldn’t expect to see those). However, I did have really high candida counts and moderately high H. pylori.

The normal protocol for H. pylori is a triple antibiotic cocktail, but antibiotics could cause worse GI symptoms. For candida, the usual treatment is a course of diflucan, but my psychiatrist isn’t sure how that would cause problems with the UC or the meds I’m taking for it. So S is going to get in touch with my GI doc and see what he recommends.

In the meantime, he did recommend a probiotic with Saccharomyces boulardii. It’s a particular strain of tropical yeast that wipes out candida, and there are a number of double-blind, placebo-controlled studies showing it helps with a bunch of different GI problems that involve diarrhea as a primary symptom, including UC. I’m already taking a probiotic, but it doesn’t include Saccharomyces boulardii. I’m going to Whole Foods tomorrow to check if they have it.

I’m also looking into trying acupuncture–there’s a clinic here that does it on a sliding scale. I’m skeptical, but I figure I don’t have much to lose. I started out being very skeptical about my psychiatrist’s alternative/functional medicine stuff, but once he found my motherfucker gene and started me on the treatment, my mood improved drastically. I’m less skeptical than I used to be but still skeptical-ish. But there’s no real downside to trying acupuncture, especially since it’s cheap.

So I’m hopeful.

I also had therapy today. I’m starting to feel like we’re getting somewhere. A’s methodology is different from Sheppard Pratt’s–she hasn’t really pushed getting more communication with parts, and she tends to back off when things get rough instead of pushing me more. There’s wisdom in that, since I’m not inpatient and don’t have 24/7 support if the shit hits the fan. On the other hand, I’m frustrated because I feel like I should be doing more and getting further, but I need someone to push me because I won’t do it on my own.

Sometimes, though, I feel like I want her to push me because I know it’ll hurt like hell. I feel like I’m supposed to be in pain. I don’t do it to myself anymore, but if someone else does it to me, that’s okay. If I’m in pain, then it’s safe to breathe again. Obviously, that’s not therapeutic, so I’m trying to be okay with slower work in therapy.

A wants me to tell her when I’m having a strong emotional reaction in session, even if I don’t know why or even what I’m feeling. Naturally, that makes me want to run away. I feel like I have to understand it before I can even consider talking about it. Otherwise it feels too vulnerable. But A does understand that it’s very hard for me, which is good–less pressure that way. Still, the whole idea makes me really anxious. I’m not good at trust.

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