Paper Doll

BF told me he’s probably moving to NYC at the beginning of next year. At first that was okay–we’ve done the longish-distance relationship thing before. There are trains I could easily take to go down for the weekend or whatever.

But he just assumes I’ll move there with him. Granted, I have no idea where the fuck I’ll live after the end of the year or how I’ll afford it, but still. He just assumed. Didn’t ask me what I think or what I want. I know I’m making him sound selfish, and he’s not. I think he just forgets I’m a real person sometimes, and that hurts. Too many people have intentionally made me a non-person, and even though with BF it’s not malicious, it still hurts intensely.

I’ve fallen in love with Massachusetts. I didn’t realize it until I thought about leaving. I knew I’d never go back to Alabama, but I didn’t realize I’d gotten so attached to Massachusetts. Back in the winter, A asked me how I pictured a satisfying future, and I told her I wanted to end up living in Boston eventually. Maybe I’m as guilty as BF–we were having problems, and he wasn’t included in my fantasy future. Just me, but now I can imagine him in that future. I just can’t imagine it in New York.

I feel like I’d drown there. Disappear. There’s just so much of it, so many places and people, and I can’t ever imagine feeling safe there. It makes me cry just thinking about it. It’s so hard for me to feel safe, and I finally do. BF doesn’t understand that. He can’t. He hasn’t been traumatized, and he’s a man. It’s different for women–we’re taught our entire lives that everything is dangerous because we’re small and weak and there’s always some big man out there who wants to hurt us. BF has never had to live in a state of constant hypervigilance and fear. It takes so long for me to feel safe, and I don’t think I could ever feel safe in NYC. And he can’t understand that.

But it still hurts. And it hurts that he didn’t even ask me how I felt about it. Of course he’s entitled to make his decisions about his life without my input; that’s not what bothers me. It’s that he includes me in it without asking what I think.

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Filed under psych, relationships

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