I’m really not okay.
I got an appointment at my PCP’s office today about the asthma. It was with someone who isn’t my usual PCP, but I assumed it would be okay because I haven’t had issues with my PCP.
Yeah, not so much with the okay.
First, the nurse’s aide made several comments about how many meds I’m on. NOT YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS AND NOT APPROPRIATE JUST TAKE MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND GTFO
Then the NP just blew me off. All she did was listen to my lungs, which doesn’t necessarily tell you anything about asthma. You can have normal, clear lung sounds and still have asthma–and I TOLD her the wheezing only happens occasionally, the main problem is chest tightness/pressure.
She told me, “It’s just anxiety. Just try to relax and breathe normally.”
THANKS I NEVER FUCKING THOUGHT OF TRYING THAT
Then she flat-out refused to do any testing or prescribe me anything to help. She told me to go home and breathe into a paper bag.
I’m sure if I didn’t have a mental illness, she would’ve done something. But no, I don’t deserve real medical attention because I’m obviously just an attention-seeking crazy person.
C, my team leader, wanted to go in there and argue with her and demand that she do something, but I begged her to just take me home. I knew I was going to start crying, and if I did it in the doctor’s office, they’d just interpret it as proof that I’m crazy and not sick.
I give up. I’m just fucking done. This is a HUGE trigger for me, and I just can’t deal with it. It’s pushing me to the brink of suicidality, and I’m having a hell of a hard time resisting the urges to cut. I’ve been crying on and off all day.
I think I need to find a new doctor. True, this wasn’t my regular PCP, but it’s hard to get appointments, so sometimes I have to see someone else in the practice. And I can’t/won’t accept being treated like this. I don’t even know how to go about finding a doctor who’s not prejudiced against people with psychiatric diagnoses. And I can’t take any more trial and error.
Fuck. Just fuck everything. I’m trying so hard to hold it all together, but I just don’t know how much longer I can pull it off. I’m sick all the fucking time, and now I’m being treated like I’m faking it and being refused adequate medical care. This should make me mad at the NP, and it does–but mostly it makes me feel like I should kill myself because I don’t deserve to be alive.