Okay or Not, Dissociative or Not

I’m having trouble in therapy with self-assessing how I’m doing. Often, when my therapist asks how I’m doing or what I’m feeling, all I can tell her is, “I’m okay.” I just haven’t been feeling strong emotions, good or bad. Today was like that, and it frustrated me because I know something is off when I’m not feeling things. I’ve got a lot of things going on in my life right now that I should be having feelings about.

I said I wondered if I was dissociated. I didn’t feel the blankness I usually get when I’m dissociating feelings, but one of the things I learned when I was hospitalized recently was that I have a broader range of dissociative experience than I realized. I found out that there are times, particularly in therapy, when I think I’m present and grounded, but later I can’t remember all or part of the session.

I do remember all of today’s therapy session, and I felt fine all through the session. But after I left, I got slammed with depression, anxiety, and exhaustion. I’m not sure what’s bringing up these feelings, and all I get when I ask inside is a bunch of indecipherable noise.

I have no idea how to work with this issue. How do I deal with the feelings when I don’t know where they’re coming from? How can i get and stay grounded if I cannever be sure if I’m dissociating? How can I make progress in therapy when my parts can’t/won’t (not sure which) let me feel things? It feels like such an impossible situation, but there have to be solutions I’m just not seeing.

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1 Comment

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One response to “Okay or Not, Dissociative or Not

  1. I find in counseling and therapy I will be okay or blank or something, then as soon as I get to my car I break down or get home and “suddenly” become super suicidal. For me it’s more of a dissociation/detachment when I’m around other people then when it is “safe” aka not around others, everything breaks through. Just me, but maybe something to consider?

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