.

I just can’t.

I don’t know what I can’t. Anything. Life. Whatever.

I am sick and I am in pain and I am scared and I am sad and I am totally, completely alone.

It’s my own fault, of course.

I want to give up. Being a grown-up is too hard. Being ME is too hard. But pretty much everything is too hard for me because I suck at life.

I really, really hate myself right now. I don’t want to be kind to myself. I don’t want to take care of myself. Life is too big and too loud, and I want to hide from it. From myself. From everything.

I want somebody to save me and take care of me. I know no one can, and I hate myself for wanting it.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I haven’t felt this bad since before I went to Sheppard Pratt, and that worries me. A lot.

Fuck.

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  1. Please. Keep reaching out. Breathe. You are not alone. Being sick and in pain and feeling overwhelmed is NOT your fault. It means that you are human and alive, and that you have been treated with cruelty. IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT. There is a fb page that always helps when I think I need to “check in” so I don’t “check out” Sanctuary for Awareness and Recovery. I don’t claim to have the answers. I am still learning what ? I need to ask. I can be found on fb “aunt max” I have a very small circle of friends, (13 count) and most of us are survivors. I am tempted to share this on my page… but it is not my story to post. I too have always been promised a “rescue”. There’s a chapter about that in my blog/book. I have heard your cry for help. That means that the universe did too. BREATHE. Dare I be so intrusive as to say that I , worthless as I am, I love you. Breathe in Starlight. You are so brave to reach out on your blog. You will survive. Life is Hope, and Hope is Victory. I speak this to myself when I am overwhelmed. Love exists. Reach to this poor stranger if you will. – Kat (aka fb Aunt Max) ps. I suck at life too.

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