I Don’t Know

Got a call this morning from my GI doc to see how I’m doing. I was impressed–in 27 years of life, with a host of medical issues, I’ve never had a doctor call to see how I was doing.

She wants to start me on an immunosuppressant called 6MP. (Stands for mercaptopurine, I think, or something equivalently non-English and unpronounceable.) But it can take two or three months to work, so in the meantime she’s going to start me on either Remicade or Humira. I have to get a TB test first, though.

S, my psych nurse, got my appointment moved up to tomorrow. I won’t be able to get the TB test before then, so I don’t know if she’ll be able to start me on anything new yet. I told S she didn’t need to move the appointment up, but I think my team is more worried about the symptoms than I am. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks a lot, but I think I’m just more willing to tolerate it.

Which is maybe an issue, actually. I don’t want to bother people about moving appointments up, pushing for more aggressive treatments, and so on. I’d rather deal with the physical symptoms. I guess I feel like I don’t deserve to get relief or be advocated for.

Most of my therapy session was spent talking about the physical issues–or, more accurately, the emotional toll. I guess I seemed pretty shut down to A when I first came in.

“How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know.”
“How do you think you’re feeling?”
“I don’t know.”
(Her dog comes over to me for petting.)
“Do you miss your dog?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
“How do you feel when you think about talking about it?”
“I don’t know.”
“How do you feel about me asking?”
“I don’t know.”
“Glad, sad, mad, scared?”
“I don’t know.”

I wasn’t trying to be difficult–I really didn’t know what I was feeling. Still don’t. That’s unusual for me, and it’s been happening a lot since I went to the trauma unit. I had several similar conversations with my therapist there.

I know I’m feeling things, but from a long way away. Like when you can hear music but too faintly to identify. I’m supposing this is a DID thing and a part(s) has the feelings. I don’t know what to do with that. Dr. M would be pushing me to let that part talk in therapy, but A hasn’t done that. I could be wrong, but I get the sense she’s more comfortable talking ABOUT parts rather that TO them. But I haven’t actually let parts out in therapy with her, so I could be totally wrong.

I think I must’ve been sharing time in therapy. It’s not as bad as when I was at the trauma unit; there I often forgot all or most of my therapy sessions. I remember most of today’s. I know I talked about how the UC symptoms are controlling my life, and I remember talking about the scary meds they’re going to put me on. I remember a rant that climaxed with, “And I just have no control over my body, and that’s too much like the past!” I know there was more to that, and fear and frustration and hopelessness, but I can’t remember what I said or how A responded.

I’m just tired. I shouldn’t have to deal with all of this, but it’s not like I really have a choice.

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1 Comment

Filed under health, psych

One response to “I Don’t Know

  1. Do you think it’s possible that part of your “I don’t know”s are because of you and parts being very triggering and therefore dissociating from emotions due to having a painful, intense, frighening illness that has ways it’s reminsccent of the aftermath of severe abuse? Did Dr.M and A talk? What about *you* bringing up the fact you feel she’s uncomfortable with parts being out in therapy?

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