Because

This is an excerpt from a journal entry I wrote while I was at Sheppard Pratt, about a week before I discharged. I was really struggling and told my therapist I was done having feelings. She asked why I kept coming to therapy, and this was my answer.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I’m stupid.

Because no matter how hard I try not to, I still believe in the possibility of hope.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because what the hell else is left for me to try.

Because if you’re falling off a cliff, you might as well try to fly.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I’m needy.

Because I want somebody to fix me.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want to make my life work.

Because I want to finish undergrad, go to law school, and get paid to argue with people.

Because I want to feel satisfied with my life.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because maybe one day I won’t hate myself anymore.

Because maybe one day I might even like myself.

Because I want to be able to imagine that concretely, not just abstractly.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I haven’t seen the stars in months.
(And now, each night I count the stars.
And each night I get the same number.
And when they will not come to be counted,
I count the holes they leave.

Nobody sings anymore.

–Amiri Baraka, from “Preface to a Twenty-Volume Suicide Note”)

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because maybe if I dismantle myself bit by bit, I’ll find out what is inherently wrong with me.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want somebody to tell me there’s nothing inherently wrong with me.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because maybe there really isn’t anything inherently wrong with me.

Because I hear a voice telling me that OF COURSE there’s something wrong with me.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want someone to tell me I am irreparably broken.

Because I want someone to give up on me.

Because I want to give up on myself.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want to get angry at somebody.

Because I want to scream at somebody.

Because I want to hate somebody.

Because I want to hurt somebody.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want somebody to get mad at me.

Because I want somebody to scream at me.

Because I want somebody to hate me.

Because I want somebody to hurt me.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because there’s so much I need to say.

Because I can’t find the words or even the language to say most of them.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I have no idea what else to do anymore.

Because no matter how many breaths I take, there’s never enough air anymore.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I can remember the months I was happy.

Because for a few months, I was a real person.

Because I remember the warm humming energy I’d never felt before.

Because I remember when the river and the dogwoods and the crocuses were so beautiful I almost cried.

Because I’ve said to myself, “I fucking love my life,” and for once in my life I wasn’t being sarcastic.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want to be understood.

Because I want to understand myself.

Because being understood and understanding myself both terrify me.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I’m scared all the time.

Because I don’t want to be scared all the time.

Because the possibility of not being scared scares me.

Because I can take down a man and I know 11different ways to break his arm, but I’m still scared all the time.

Because I’m angry that I’m scared all the time.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because it’s exhausting to have to be on guard all the time.

Because it’s lonely to have to be on guard all the time.

Because I hate having to evaluate people first as potential threats and only then as people.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want to be curious instead of fearful.

Because I want to feel safe in the world.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want to hide.

Because I want somebody to come and find me so I know I matter.

Because I want to feel like I don’t have to hide anymore.

Because I want to believe I deserve to be seen.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I’m a black hole.

Because no matter how much people offer me, I swallow it all up and I’m still so empty it hurts.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I want to be able to breathe again.

Because I want to see the stars again.

Because I want to believe there is the possibility of hope.

Why do you keep coming to therapy?

Because I don’t want to be alone.

Advertisements

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

2 responses to “Because

  1. Oh. My. Your post is so full of raw emotion and the tension of life! I lost it over your comment, “Because the possibility of not being scared scares me.” This is how I feel in my therapy sessions and the thought of them someday being over. I have been in therapy for 2.5 years now, and I feel as though I am a million pieces. Every time I go, I am discovering another part of the DSM-V. Kind of like Humpty Dumpty looking for someone to pick him up again. Well, nicely done. A beautiful post–honest, painful, yet very compassionate. I wish you well.

  2. This is a phenomenal post. I believe many people can resonate with this and hope many read it. Phenomenal.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s