Aw, shit.

Dear Colon:*

You are not Texas, so stop trying to secede from the Union. Why would you want to be like Texas anyway? They’re so crazy they have signs on the front doors of Walgreens that say, “No guns or missiles allowed.” (True story, bro.) Like, what, you forgot you had an ICBM in your back pocket? “Is that a cruise missile in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

Anyway, if you really feel it’s necessary to start a civil war in my digestive system, could you not do it at 2:00 in the morning? That’s just rude.

But really, it’d be better for all of us if you just knock this shit off–metaphorically and literally. I don’t wanna end up having to haul a poop bag around for the rest of my life.

Sincerely,
Hope

*If you catch this joke, you are my new favorite person.

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